caroline sheppard
Last December, I became a recipient of caregiving. I am not unique. Receiving care is something that can potentially happen to anyone at any point in our lives. Suddenly, being on the inside looking out, as someone who was receiving rather than providing care was different. My own first call for care for a family member, was unexpected and made a difference in my life.
In 1999, I received my first call to care for a family member. Over fifteen years, I was a short and long-distance caregiver for five different family members. I was on the giving end, not the receiving end. I wrote a book about my experiences, as I learned so much along the way as a caregiver. My recent experience of being on the receiving end of care, opened my eyes to some new considerations.
Last Fall, I underwent surgery. I do not want to go into details, but instead I want to reflect on my experience as a receiver of care, as opposed to being the giver of care. I found it to be a real eye opener. I tend to be someone who does not like to be dependent. As a young child, I apparently often said, “by myself” according to my older sister.
Until recently, I didn’t really consider the role shift and the feelings attached to becoming more dependent upon someone else. In my case, my husband has had to help me for various health reasons. Recently, I needed care and assistance. I call myself, “a healthy person with weird health issues!” Not debilitating, but in need of someone else doing basic everyday chores and driving a car. My independence was challenged out of need, not want.
Why I chose to write about my current situation, is because this change in my role in my relationship with my husband, soon to be 45 years, I realize that I have taken care of him after surgeries, and he cared for me. Nothing unusual. As we age, the reality of the need to provide care for one another, opened my eyes to what may be next and how to best prepare for what may or may not be ahead. I believe it’s worth considering how to be prepared when the next shoe drops.
So, when the last shoe dropped and I needed care, there were so many feelings attached to the shift in roles. To magnify the fact that I couldn’t do what I normally did, we were in the process of moving. This is when my feelings of guilt, for not being able to help, crept in slowly at first, and then hit me, that the great teamwork and balance of roles we always had, was out of balance.
Realistically and intellectually, I accepted what I needed. Yet, beneath this were nagging thoughts of what will it be like when we both need help? And who will help us, as we never were able to have children. So many thoughts ran through my mind as I considered the importance of planning ahead.
After almost 45 years of marriage, I can count more than once that I was a recipient of help from my husband after surgeries. Some related to issues that prevented us from having children. To add to this, not being blessed with children, I think about who will be able to help us when we will need it.
Of course, we have helped each other whenever necessary over the years. And, as we all know, there may come a time when we are not capable of helping our spouse. Yes, everyone’s life span is different and unknown. And there are times when we may be infirmed and can no longer be helpful to others in need. It’s a reality we all may share.
My reason for writing this article of reflection, is to shed light on what can happen when least expected. We will either need to step up to care for a family member and or suddenly become dependent upon someone else. The lessons I learned is that we cannot predict but we can plan, or consider the possibilities, before a crisis occurs. And I learned more about being on the receiving end of care, which will help me understand those whom I may care for in the future.