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Designated Grown-up
While being a caregiver has many rewards, it’s not always easy. It becomes even more challenging when the care recipient is your mom or dad. Switching roles by becoming the parental figure to your own parents can feel strange and unfamiliar, especially when your mom or dad act in a way that puts them in danger, necessitating your intervention whether they like it or not.
Maybe your parent wants to continue driving a car, but you have noticed their skills are declining, possibly presenting a danger to themselves and others. Or maybe you have dropped by their place only to find the refrigerator door wide open, or a burner on the stove is still on high. These and other signs that your loved one needs support and more supervision can put you in the position of being the adult in the relationship.
Many caregivers find themselves in this position, and these tips can help make the journey a little less stressful:
- Breathe. This may seem like a no-brainer, but the urge to react immediately to certain behaviors is instinctual, especially when it involves your parents. However, unless your parent is in actual danger or creating a dangerous situation for others, stop for a moment and take a few deep, long breaths. This gives you a chance to assess the situation with your loved one and think before you act, possibly de-escalating what could be a frustrating experience for everyone. Your parents, while they may have reduced cognitive abilities, deserve respect, so finding a way to be the decision-maker without making them feel powerless is the key to caregiving balance.
- Expect the unexpected. Being prepared for the unexpected experience of caring for an aging parent is easier said than done. Parents with dementia and/or other cognitive issues often believe they are perfectly fine and do not need any additional support. Some may even lash out or resist your efforts to help them. So, arguing over their abilities - or lack thereof - is an ineffective strategy when dealing with someone experiencing cognitive decline. Many caregivers use the technique of deflecting to reduce tensions during conflicts. For instance, if a loved one insists on ice cream and they are lactose-intolerant, rather than try to explain the problem, deflect them with a different treat that they like and is on their safe list.
- Set boundaries. Yes, as a caregiver you might be taking on the role of guardian when it comes to your mom or dad, but it does not mean you need to give up on your own happiness and fulfilment. Just as your parents didn’t give in to every whim or desire you expressed growing up, you too must set limits with your parent(s). Caregivers can get sucked in to feeling they must devote every moment of their lives to make life easier for their loved one, but setting clear boundaries gives everyone a blueprint they can use as a reference.
- Ask for help. Most caregivers are reluctant to ask for help. But there is no reason to feel guilt when asking a family member or someone you trust to occasionally care for your parent to give you a break. Whether it’s for a date night with your spouse, an evening with friends, or help in accompanying your parent to a doctor appointment … you deserve some time off.
Most of all, resist the urge to try to do it all yourself. Caregivers who feel frustrated or isolated parenting their aging parents can explore various resources for more information and guidance on navigating caring for a parent. National Institute on Aging and AARP’s website offer great tips and advice for caregivers caring for their mom or dad.