Podcast with Scott Foley
Actor and care advocate, Scott Foley, best known for his starring roles in TV's Felicity, Scandal, and now his new television program, Whiskey Cavalier has joined the Not on My Watch Ovarian Cancer Awareness Movement to highlight the family caregiver's important role in helping the loved ones manage recurrent ovarian cancer. Scott is sharing, for the first time, his personal story of caring for his late mother during her time with recurrent ovarian cancer. His mother had gone through multiple recurrences over four years with limited options available to her before succumbing to this devastating disease.
Scott Foley
Gary Barg: Scott, I know you were a care partner for your mother, Connie, who had recurrent ovarian cancer when you were a teenager. Can you tell me how that affected you?
Scott Foley: I was the eldest of three boys with a father who was not just wrapped up in my mom's illness, but also, still had to support a family and work a full-time job. A lot of the responsibilities with regards to her care fell onto me when he wasn't around. It sounds funny to put an 11, 12, and 13-year-old boy in that position. I spent most of the time when my mom was in the hospital, and when she was at home with us, making sure she was taken care of. When she came home from the hospital, she would be in her room. She was in pain, uncomfortable and sick from the medication, the chemotherapy, and the radiation; and needed quiet, and needed dark, and needed to be left alone.
I remember sitting on her bed with her when chemotherapy wasn't doing what it was supposed to do; and going over her visualization techniques, her breathing techniques, and doing that with her. Just being there, and it's a difficult responsibility, and a lot of pressure to put on a young child. Because of her death at a young age, I followed a path that was probably not the path I would have taken had she lived. That's all due to this devastating illness.
Gary Barg: We always say that caregiving is a family issue. It doesn't just fall on one person without affecting the other members of the family. How did it affect your relationships with your other family members?
Scott Foley: While we were in the midst of it and when my mom was still alive, we held our relationships together pretty well. I think the relationships that had changed were the ones between my younger brothers and myself. I was no longer just their older brother, but more of a parental figure to them. My dad relied on me to do a lot of the things that he wished he could have done himself. That changed our relationship.
But, I think the biggest change in the relationship within the family came after her passing. Everybody deals with death in a different way. It put a huge strain on my relationship with my father, and in turn, the rest of my family. We were estranged for a while after that. I was rebelling. Looking back, I know that it was because of, not just adolescence, but mostly the loss of a parent. It forever changed our relationship. My father and I, thank goodness, for the past twenty have had a great one. The further away we get from her death, the better it gets. Yet, there was a long time where we didn't speak. Things were touch and go.
Gary Barg: What advice do you have for other kids and teenagers who become family caregivers?
Scott Foley: That's a tough question. I think every case is different. But, if I could say something to the parents of those kids, and to be as open, honest, and upfront about it. When we were first told that mom was sick. I think they were trying to protect us. No one ever mentioned death. No one ever mentioned time frames or months left to live. I think we don't give kids enough credit sometimes. I think they can handle the truth. If you can, and if you're comfortable with it, you can find a way to let them know the reality of the situation. Not just someone is sick, but they're very sick. There is a possibility they not might not make it and we're going to do everything we can to try to save them and to try to help them. Because our kids are the most important part of any family. They need to know that. They need to know that they have responsibilities in this. That they can help. They are part of this process.
Gary Barg: It's invisible sometimes on how these family situations affect the kids. I really appreciate your comments there. I think you're going to help a lot of people.
Scott Foley: It's something that I still deal with on a daily basis. I know how far medicine has come in the 30 years since my mom passed. I’m partnering with TESARO on the Not on My Watch Movement, and I shot a PSA for them. If people could go to Notonmywatch.com, and check out my PSA. I hope it will resonate and touches them somehow. Every time either video is shared from the site, there will be a five-dollar donation for every share to ovarian cancer patient organizations. It's a really big deal.
Gary Barg: : I was on the site. I saw it. Not on My Watch is a great program. Because anything that gets us aware and gets us connected. It makes us realize we're not alone as caregivers or as people living with issues such as ovarian cancer. It's empowering. It really is. What do you hope to achieve by sharing your story now for the first time?
Sott Foley- headshot
Scott Foley: For me, as personal a story as it is, I know how much it has affected me and really changed the course of my life. If we can let people know and let women know, let families know. Those that are struggling with recurrent ovarian cancer know that when the doctor says, "Okay. We've done chemotherapy. We've done radiation. Now, let's wait and see what happens," that's not the end. There are other options that can be talked about. That should be talked about and brought up to your doctor. There are maintenance therapies now that can extend the time in between recurrences.The numbers are tremendous. Those that go with or without maintenance therapies. The difference is just amazing. I hope, one day to put you out of a job.
Gary Barg: Good. How does Notonmywatch.com empower people living with ovarian cancer? How does it keep them involved and make sure they don't miss any opportunities for new medications and advancements?
Scott Foley: I think that's exactly what it does. I think just by talking about this and by people being aware of Notonmywatch.com and knowing that, "Look, Scott Foley told me his story." Because of that, I now know that there's something else I can do. It makes people aware of their options; that there are options out there. Because you feel so helpless in the moment. We rely on our doctors, as we should. They are trained medical professionals. But, when they say, "You're good," we think, "We're good." When they say, "Wait and see," you say, "Okay, I wait and see." But waiting and seeing is a horrible place to be. You are putting yourself in the hands of fate. We don't necessarily have to do that anymore because there are now options. I hope that's how NotonMyWatch.com helps.
Gary Barg: What have you heard from people living with ovarian cancer or ovarian cancer care partners that you may have run into? Or, who might have contacted you because of your PSA?
Scott Foley: I hear from people all of the time who has moms or sisters who are struggling with recurrent ovarian cancer. Who have lost family members or friends to ovarian cancer? It's a devastating disease. I think they don't always know, as I didn't, what the options are. But, when they're put in front of you and you're made aware of the fact that you do have options. That's a huge deal to be able to take some control back. We put ourselves and our fate when we're sick in the hands of these trained professionals, as we should. And they are doing the best they can. When we push them and when we say, "Hey, what about this?" When we ask questions, that's when we really get everything from their knowledge. I hope that people are able to do that.
Gary Barg: You become fearless, the fearless advocate for your loved one and a fearless advocate for yourself.
Scott Foley: That's exactly right. You are your own best advocate.
Gary Barg: Yes, absolutely. Scott, if you had to just tell me the one single most important piece of advice you'd like to share with family caregivers, what would that be?
Scott Foley: Man, the one single most important piece of advice I would share with family caregivers would be to remember that you're all in this together. It's so easy to focus on the sick person. That's where all our energy goes. It's great. It should, but you've got to remember that a disease like recurrent ovarian cancer hits not just the sick person. It can take down a family. You've got to take care of yourselves. You have to open your eyes, and don't just look at the sick person, but look to the people around you. Help them and make sure that they are getting everything they need for everyone around them. That's as important as making sure the room is quiet and the person is fed, and they are taking their medication. It is equally as important.