An Interview with Christopher Kennedy Lawford

Today's Caregiver January/February 2014

Christopher Kennedy Lawford, author, actor, attorney and activist, was the eldest child of actor Peter Lawford and Patricia Helen “Pat” Kennedy, and the nephew of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy. His books include the New York Times Bestseller, Symptoms of Withdrawal: A Memoir of Snapshots and Redemption; Moments of Clarity: Voices from the Front Lines of Addiction and Recovery; Recover to Live and What Addicts Know. Mr. Lawford sat down with Editor-in-Chief Gary Barg for a wide-ranging and frank conversation on family, recovery, and facing addiction challenges for family caregivers.

Gary Barg: I really enjoyed your new book, Recover to Live. It was truly insightful and I see a lot of things that apply to family caregivers. What would you like family caregivers to learn from reading the book?

Christopher Kennedy Lawford: People who are confronted with this issue, and it is a very large percentage of our population who comes across this illness, whether in their own families or in their workplace or with their friends, they do not know what to do and they oftentimes cannot trust the information that they get. Also, there are a lot of people in the world who prey on those who are confronting this issue, and are able to take advantage of them, because they are in such a vulnerable state.

This book is enormously useful because it is understandable and it is available to people for not a lot of money. If you are dealing with this in your universe, you can look at this book and find out exactly what gambling addiction looks like or sex addiction or drug and alcohol addiction. And then, there is a program to begin recovery.

I think initially people should get professional guidance; but, quite frankly, in 1986 when I got clean and sober, I did it on my own. I went to a 12-step program. The first or the second tool in the seven essential tools to recovery that I outline in this book is a 12-step fellowship. They are available all over the world. People can go there and get support, and they can get a program to deal whatever kind of addiction that is manifesting in their lives.

Gary Barg: All of your books deal with the value of being in the moment, sharing open and honest communications with yourself and those you trust. Why do you feel that is so important for people living with addictions?

Christopher Kennedy Lawford: I think addicts are medicating aspects of our personality, aspects of our upbringing that we just find intolerable. Many of us are running away from ourselves. Many of us are afraid to really accept ourselves. These are all aspects of knowing yourself and being okay with yourself, which is really about being okay with what is happening in your life at any particular time. To me, quite frankly, the key to a happy life is living moment-to-moment, and appreciating each moment. Addicts are notorious for living in their heads, living in the past, living in the future, never being in the moment. And, the biggest crime of that is missing your life.

Gary Barg: We urge family caregivers to attend support groups—to consider these support groups their trusted family of choice. And, it really seems to dovetail the message of 12-step groups; people get what you are going through because they are going through it, too.

Christopher Kennedy Lawford: I think it is very difficult to recover from any mental or physical illness by yourself. All of us get challenges in life, and this challenge forced me into community, forced me into dealing with my circumstances, my ego, all of the things that separate us from others, from my life and from my health. It forced me to look at and confront those things.

Gary Barg: You spoke about it so clearly in Symptoms of Withdrawal, and so honestly, I felt like I was part of your support group when you were explaining your life.

Christopher Kennedy Lawford: One of the things that we learn in my field is that people will spend a lot of money in order to deal with their primary addiction in terms of treatment and that kind of thing. But, they will not spend any money to deal with the issues afterwards, the family of origin issues, the codependency issues. And these are the things, quite frankly, that keep people sick, even when they put the drugs and alcohol down. Bill Wilson, the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, said basically you can remain just as despicable sober as you ever

Gary Barg: Codependency, addiction, and family caregiving are family issues. This does not happen in a vacuum. With addictions, family caregivers face a double challenge. Many times their loved ones are misusing medications, but family caregivers do, too. What would you say to someone who is (or the person they are caring for is) misusing drugs or alcohol?

Christopher Kennedy Lawford: If somebody is in the house caring for someone, they need good information. Nobody ever thought about locking up their medicines 10 years ago. There was not even consciousness around that. Now, there is good information out there that people should know about medications, and about what they should do with their medications if there are other people in their environment.

I am sure you see family caregivers who never had any relationship at all to chemicals, to powerful drugs or to pain killers. They have no idea until one day they have a back issue because they had to help somebody up the stairs. They take one of these things and they go,“Oh, my God.” But the thing about all of this stuff is addiction often happens in the vacuum of ignorance. And, if you give people good information, if you say, “Look, this substance is one of the most addictive substances on the planet; once you try it, your chances of becoming dependent on it are enormously great, and getting off of it is hellacious. You may really want to think about that versus a couple of Aleve.” If you talk to any doctors about things that people will take an addictive pain killer for, often they do not need it.

Gary Barg: When it comes to your work and your advocacy and Recover to Live, what would you like to say to family caregivers about what resolution you hope they will follow through with in 2014?

Christopher Kennedy Lawford: I think resolutions are good. Trying to change your behavior is obviously difficult and people need to give themselves a break. It took me 10 years to get clean and sober. During that time, I never lost my desire to be drug and alcohol free. But those 10 years are what got me the last 27 that changed my life and made it possible for me to have three kids who have never seen me drunk and stoned, write books and have an amazing life today.

If I had given up, I would have given up on my life. So, never give up, even if your resolve does not hold up. That is number one. The second thing is that there are probably plenty of people in the family caregiver world dealing with folks who are struggling with these issues. And, as my cousin Patrick likes to say, this is not about character, it is about chemistry. People that are struggling with these issues are not bad people; they have an illness. These people are fundamentally different than you are, if you do not have this illness. But, whether it is a kid, a parent or a sibling, compassion and understanding are really what are necessary.