Carenote from Jan

January 21, 2019

3:00 PM

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I never lied so much in my life

I moved back to PA from Florida last summer to live with my parents who need 24 hour care. We have two very good care givers that are here M to F during the day and evening. I cover the nights and mornings and with my siblings we rotate on the weekends.

The question I have is what do I do when my mother wants me to go to aunt Nelly's and pick up her mother so she doesn't fall in the ditch? My Mom is 83 and her mother and aunt Nelly have passed over 50 years ago. I have never lied so much in my life and I don't know what is the best thing to tell her. Yes, I tell my Mom I'll go pick her up at Aunt Nelly's or something to that effect. My Dad has told her a few times that her mother is no longer with us and she gets a little sad but then 1 minute later she wants to know where her mother is and for me to go pick her up. My mother has mild Dementia from a stroke after a heart attack she had Labor day weekend 2012.

Thanks so much,

Jan

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Carenote from Jan

It was always important, and challenging, for me for my relationship with my Mom to be respectful, honoring, honest. Her dementia consisted of disorientation and hallucinations but her memory was largely intact, sometimes sharper than mine. Correcting or arguing was never productive, so I tried to talk around the issue or reflect back to her some of her values or memories, like,” You always loved to entertain, didn’t you?” Or “what were the favorite dishes you prepared for Thanksgiving” when she was sure we had company and she needed to get busy cooking. Sometimes I would say quietly, “Mom, I am sorry but I don’t see anyone there. Shall I just go and make some tea for us.” Her world and my world had to coexist on common ground. I think it calmed her to know I was honest with her and she could depend on me no matter what she was experiencing.

Elaine Clark more than 5 years ago

Carenote from Jan

I went through this with my Mother. She would call my Father by name. The first time I told her, "Don't you remember we lost Daddy?" Later on I saw tears in her eyes and realized if I told her this each time she called him, she would have to grieve each time, over and over again. I decided I couldn't make her go through that just because she forgot. So I decided on the best answer I could come up with. I would tell her "I couldn't take care of Daddy the way I could take care of her. He was in Milford and sends his love." He was buried in Milford. She did finally stop asking. It was the most merciful thing I could do for her.

Pat more than 5 years ago

Carenote from Jan

I would just say, "Sure, I'll do that in a minute." Then go to another room or walk outside for a minute, return and say ,"mission accomplished. They're both OK." Don't beat yourself up about lying. It's required under these circumstances.

Donna Weissman more than 5 years ago

Carenote from Jan

Dear Jan,

I had exactly the same problem with my mother. She would ask where my late father was (he died in 1964). Being truthful I rfep,lied that he was dead. She would rear up and get very upset. The same thing every week, and I thought I was doing more harm than good. She believed in a Heaven, so I used to explain that he couldn't come today, but that she would see him some day. Then I asked if she wanted a cup of tea, and this would quieten her, until the next week, when I would go through the same perofrmance. So I never told an actual lie, and the truth was, she would see him again some day.

James McKillop more than 5 years ago

Carenote from Jan

Is it really telling a lie when you keep your mother happy by going along with her request? I believe she keeps her dignity by you allowing to live in her world rather than telling her the truth. Her “truth” is she believes her mother and aunt Nelly are still alive. I admire you and anyone who look after family members with dementia.

Anne-Marie Dekker more than 5 years ago