Carenote from Sally

September 18, 2017

2:00 AM

Welcome to CareNotes. In this special section we will feature a reader's letter and provide an opportunity for an interactive exchange that will help find some answers and possible solutions to concerns.

Carenote From Sally

I care for my husband who is in an advanced stage of Alzheimer's. I love my husband dearly but he no longer knows me nor can we have the wonderful conversations we used to have. It gets very very lonely.

Some months ago I met a gentleman at a Support Group, who is in a similar situation. We talk a lot on the telephone and that really helps me, but sometimes I feel guilty. I have no intention of being intimate with my friend, but we have talked about going for coffee sometimes. I know we are not doing anything wrong, so why do I feel so guilty about it? I do not want to stop talking to him as it helps us both to cope with the situation. What do you suggest?

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Comments (3)

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Guilt

The 36-Hour Day, 5th edition, addresses this issue, "You as a Spouse Alone" (page 231). I can relate to what this section says. I have some young (half my age) female friends - and that is all they are. It is hard to cook for one person and I eat out often. It is nice to go out to eat and have someone to talk to. It helps you retain your own sanity. Sometimes I am the only man eating or playing cards with a group of women. Why? They know me. Taking someone else makes sense until you establish a relationship you are both comfortable with. If someone wants to gossip they will. If they do, it is their problem. People do not understand what Alzheimer's does to the spouse. Unless they have been there, they do not understand Alzheimer's or a mental illness.

W. L. Haynes more than 7 years ago

Guilt

I'm suggesting you meet this person, but please, please bring someone else with you. This will keep the conversation as you will want to remember, not something that may take you down a dark, lonely road. Read something to increase/validate your faith, and take someone with you for accountability. I was a chaplain for 20 years, so am very familiar with your situation. I also understand the loneliness you you are experiencing, thus the concern that may lead to heartache later.

lyn snow more than 7 years ago

Guilt.

Please don't feel guilty about spending time with someone who understands. We need all the support we can get!

Patricia Mae Hilgendorf more than 7 years ago