Carenote from Brian

September 11, 2017

12:00 AM

Welcome to CareNotes. In this special section we will feature a reader's letter and provide an opportunity for an interactive exchange that will help find some answers and possible solutions to concerns.

Carenote From Brian

Two years ago I had a stroke and my wife is my primary caregiver. I am more concerned about her than I am about me, as she has become increasingly depressed and nothing seems to help her out of that depression. She has tried therapy but says it does her no good. I feel so helpless as I am afraid that one day she is going to just break down. I have told her to arrange for someone to be with me while she takes a break but she wants none of that.

What can I do to help her?

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Carenote from Brian

Dear Brian, thank you for looking beyond your own illness to notice your wife's mood.
Spousal caregivers often go through a heroic phase in the early years after an illness or disability occurs, thinking that they must exert Herculean effort to get life back to "normal". It takes time for them to realize that they are now in a "new normal" and their own needs must be recognized and incorporated into the new reality. When they continue to ignore their own needs, depression and burn-out often occur.
Your wife needs to have time to herself and an identity apart from just "caregiver."
She needs hobbies and friends who sustain her spirit. She needs to come to terms with how your marital partnership has changed.
I suggest she check into the Well Spouse Association, a nonprofit peer support organization for spousal caregivers only. (I am co-president of WSA.) We address issues such as depression, guilt, burn-out, asking for help, and other common problems that "well spouses" face. We understand because we are walking the same road, We have an online forum, a Facebook group, telephone and in-person support groups, mentors, a newsletter and more.
Adapting to the new normal can be difficult, and we are here to help her.

Dorothy M Saunders more than 8 years ago

She is not alone

Dear Brian, That sounds like such a difficult situation, and I can't assume to be able to offer a complete answer, but I can tell you what helped me. The best thing someone ever did was to tell me that everything I had been through was actually hard, and it was okay to be sad about it, and it was okay to cry. They weren't going to judge me, and they would be there for me. Sometimes that's all you can do - say that you love them no matter what, and that their sadness or distress is not 'wrong', they are not a burden, and they do not have to be brave all the time.

I'm actually very passionate about reaching out to people who have loved one's with health conditions and reminding them that they are not alone. I write about that at www.calledtowatch.com, so I don't know if that could possibly be a comfort? Does she have any other friends or other people who can reach out to her, and let her know that she is not alone, and her experiences are valid? If she does not want to leave you, is there anyone who could come and support you alongside her, even for a few hours a day? Sometimes a third person makes all the difference.

It's such a hard situation Brian for both of you. Prayed for you just now.

Emily J. M. more than 8 years ago