Carenote from Barbara

June 22, 2020

5:59 AM

Welcome to CareNotes. In this special section we will feature a reader's letter and provide an opportunity for an interactive exchange that will help find some answers and possible solutions to concerns.

Depression

My husband died 5 months ago, - Intense caregiving for two years - now have no zest or joy in life - just don't care - advice to get joy back?

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Comments (8)

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Joy

I think long term caregiving which results in death of a spouse creates a genuine space for joy. This joy is because of being able to spend truly intimate time with the spouse. As life shrinks for both of you, we become more cognizant of the small moments.. often tough moments when we connect with our spouse in such poignant ways. This poignancy creates such a powerful connection to our memories from this time. I think it takes permission from ourselves to accept that what we knew as joy just isn't going to be there for awhile. And permission with ourselves as well that enjoyment of small things, and friends , and freedom from the work of caregiving (though we will always feel it was an honor), and children needs to be gently received and ultimately sought after. Joy is different for all of us.. but remember it's not the same as being happy. Joy is deeper.. cultivated by different emotions such as self-lessness. But happiness is good and we deserve it until we can (and we will) be in contact with our capacity for joy once again.

kathleen sullivan more than 5 years ago

Depression

Grieving is a natural part of who we are as a human race. Therefore, the transition of a loved one can be very difficult for all of us. But when we've had the opportunity to be their caregiver whatever the length of time, it's a greater challenge. But if you remember self-care is what kept you going during your time of caring for your loved one, it's just as important now in order for your heart to heal from their absence.

It's a good thing to start incorporating some of the recreational things or hobbies you enjoyed before you took on the responsibilities of being a caregiver. Try gradually, to begin adding a few of those enjoyable activities to your daily schedule. Some examples might be watching a favorite funny movie because laughter is good medicine or having lunch with a friend at home or in a restaurant. Start an exercise regiment after checking with your doctors such as just going for a morning or evening walk. Walking is therapeutic because it gets your blood flowing to all parts of the body. These are a few ideas that may be helpful. Get out of bed in the morning and eat a good breakfast and read a good book. Take some time to pray and reflect on the good times you can recall with your loved one when they were healthy and you shared your lives together. There is no rush to finish your grieving process but you need to take care of yourself.

Rev. Violet Speights more than 5 years ago

Caregiving joy...

Dear Barbara,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband..I asked my sister, a fulltime 24/7 caregiver for her ALS spouse..for advice. She said "Don't expect so much of yourself; take time for yourself. And once a week, get together with an old friend and just be together (That may mean Zooming with a glass of wine...") But please take time to heal and remember those "old" things that gave you peace and joy.

CL more than 5 years ago

Depression and loneliness

Barbara, please find an on-line grief support group or an in-person one. Also, make an appointment with a grief counselor. Some churches have a 6 week course in Grief support. It helps to get to know people who have been thru what you are going thru, widowhood and grieving.

Mary more than 5 years ago

Depression

I was a widow at 46 years old with two children. It was devastating and my heart was broken. I found it very helpful to see a therapist and join a Hospice support group. I met several women who recently lost their husbands and we spent time together socially. It gave me a purpose and slowly I began feeling better.

Carol more than 5 years ago

Depression

Everyday go out for a five or 10 minute walk.

Dianelva more than 5 years ago

Carenote from Barbara re: depression

Hi Barbara,
First, I want to say how brave you are to recognize your need and reach out for help. Then I want to say, give your self time. You have lost a great deal and it is okay to feel sad and lost. Grief is a process and everyone's grief looks different. Don't allow your expectations or another persons expectations to make you feel like you "should" be feeling or doing something different right now.
Next I want to encourage you to continue to go to caregiver support group if you were going and if not to find a support group for caregivers, widows, or a grief group. Additionally if you have a person in your life who will just be there with you, listen when you need it and offer non judgmental support...that person is your bestie and allow them into your grief. A grief counselor can be of great assistance. I found this to be true for myself.
Finally, think about things you had enjoyed before but lost during your caregiving (coffee with friends, book club, painting, career) and make a plan and some steps to work toward getting that back.
I hope this helps and I thank you for sharing your struggle.

Daphne more than 5 years ago

Loss

My wife passed away, from Alzheimer's, this past April 30. We had been married for 55 years; coping with the loss has been difficult...I miss her dearly. I'm also struggling with the withdrawal from the routine associated with her care. I will not allow the emptiness I am feeling turn to depression. I have a very supportive family, as well as friends and neighbors with whom I have contact every day. Our church community provides spiritual strength and encouragement. I am devoting time to the establishment of an endowment in my wife's memory to support dementia education at our local Hospice. I have volunteered for Hospice for several years, both soliciting financial support and facilitating a caregiver support group. For me, I have never lost the joy of living; I know that my wife would want me to continue to be involved in meaningful pursuits. In dealing with the loss, it is important to keep busy and have social interaction. I also collect stamps...having a hobby is another important step in getting on with your life. I want to travel...this is something that my wife and I enjoyed doing when she was well. At the end of the day, I speak to my wife...filling her in on the days' events and telling her how much I miss and love her. She loved angels and I know she is with me..it is a blessing from God. We all grieve in different ways. My goal is to remain positive and to conduct my life in a manner that I know my wife would be proud of.

John Renyhart more than 5 years ago