Carenote from Judy

January 28, 2019

11:08 AM

Welcome to CareNotes. In this special section we will feature a reader's letter and provide an opportunity for an interactive exchange that will help find some answers and possible solutions to concerns.

What to Do?

I am trying to care for my sister, 96 pounds and fragile. Three years ago, she had a hip replacement and now has to have a revised hip replacement. She just barely walks. I came from Dallas to cook and clean and take care of her dog.

Nothing I do is good enough or suits her. I opened the blinds too much, I didn't clear the microwave, I didn't wake up at 6:30 a.m. when she yelled at me to go the bathroom. I am at my wits end and am resenting her. I miss my friends and grandchildren at home. She is even bad mouthing me to her two friends. If she has her surgery in Dallas, after therapy, she will be staying with me indefinitely. She will have my room and I will have to sleep on the floor with a very bad back. What to do?

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Comments (5)

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Don't go at it alone

Hi Judy, You have probably thought through all the things you might do to help yourself and your sister, but I will throw out a few ideas in case one strikes a chord. Has your sis always been the demeanor she is now? She may be experiencing depression, feeling helpless and her own resentment or even a UTI. It sounds like it is time to call in the troops. That might be a dr appt, a counseling appt, a neighbor to visit ....I always find when someone else is around, our mood lifts. And a professional should really be involved to make sure something isn't falling through the cracks (like dementia, depression, infection etc). I would also strongly encourage you to set boundaries. Discuss what you can and can't do with your sis (and other family members) then stick to your guns. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Christina more than 5 years ago

Carenote From Judy

Wow its the ones who need our help the most that Complain the Most.. I would look into Respite Care or even admission to a Nursing Rehab facility with Doctor's OK and have him sign her in... You are getting wore out and unappreciated for what you do for her..and deserve to be treated with respect. Sit down with her and tell her what her constant complaining is doing to you and give her a week to change her attitude toward you. Explain to her that you can no longer stay with her and need to get back to your Life and Family in Dallas.. and she is welcome to stay in a Facility or assisted living Apt near where you live so you can visit. but NOT with you.. you don't have room unless you want to take care of her dog at your place..

Jean Benson Thompson more than 5 years ago

Help

Dear Anne, I appreciate so much that you have cared so selflessly for your husband, and now recognize that those same skills you have used for your husband, you can now use for you and your self care. Your love and devotion for your husband is not diminished because of your own need for self care nor is there any excuse for you to feel selfish or guilty. I do agree with those who have already responded. One of the most difficult tasks of a caregiver, particularly a spouse, is to ask for help. Number one task to realize that you are exhausted and need time for yourself. Who can you ask, family, children, friends, social worker at hospital, community agencies, the list goes one. Know that you are special, indeed heroic, in the love and compassion you have shown. Now spread a little of this good will for yourself. Ed Smink PhD. www.soulofcaregiving.com

Ed Smink Ph.D. more than 5 years ago

Help

I can empathize with you as I have been the primary care giver for two husbands with lingering illnesses. If your husband is on Medicare/Medicaid your doctor can order Home Health Care nurses to assist you in his care. One place to start is the social worker at the hospital where he was a patient. She/he has access to avenues most of us would not know about. Just someone to come in and give him his bath was a great help to me. Also I had a friend who would come and sit with him and allow me to get out of the house for some "me" time. These friends were from my church. I suggest that you let your friends know that you need help - they may know that he is ill/disabled but they are not mind readers and know you need help.
I hope this is helpful to you.

Wilma more than 5 years ago

options

Anne I feel your compassion and frustration caring for your ill husband. Are there other options available to you like family members who can provide some respite? Is home health care available and affordable? Do you have a support group in your area available you could participate in?

Robert Lewis more than 5 years ago