Ending the Family Feud

Joan, Steve and Ross are siblings who are dealing with the death of their mother.  Her death ended up leaving their father, Matt, living at home alone. The loss of their mother and the grieving they were going through left the family emotionally raw.  The kids are now concerned about their father living safely at home alone.  Matt has mild dementia as he enters his 86th year.  The house is a two-story home with Matt’s bedroom on the second floor.  A fall is a possibility as he has experienced falls in the past.

Joan and Steve live near their father while Ross lives in another state, a five-hour drive away.  The kids believe their father needs a caregiver to assist him, but are not in agreement about how to go about this.  Ross feels the family should hire a professional caregiving company, while Joan and Steve believe they can manage the situation themselves with the help of some neighbors.

Ross also felt strongly that his father’s bedroom should be relocated downstairs so as to minimize the fall risk.  Joan and Steve don’t agree with that move and said, “We are here and see dad every day.” This comment led to some hard feelings among these siblings. What to do?

The feelings Joan, Steve and Ross are experiencing are all too common in adult children caring for a loved one.  Our parents took care of us when we were growing up, but now many of our parents need us as they enter their golden years.  Unfortunately, with that, come disagreements from family members on what’s best for Mom or Dad when they need help with day-to-day activities or even when they become ill. 

Here are some potential solutions to end family feuding when it comes to caring for an elderly parent. 

A parent doesn’t want care

If a parent refuses moving to an assisted living facility or won’t allow an in-home healthcare nurse, let them know you are simply presenting options so their quality of life remains stable.  Always let them feel in control of these important decisions, and always make it clear you are simply presenting these options because you love and care about them and want the best for them.

One child is more involved than others

Caring for an elderly mother or father is hard work, but can be even more overwhelming when only one child takes an active role in the process.  If there are other siblings in the picture, don’t assume they know how you’re feeling or what you need.  Let them know you need help.  Even if a sibling lives at a distance, there are plenty of ways they can play a role.  Perhaps they can visit for a short period of time, assist with finances or help research potential in-home caregivers. 

Finances

The cost of in-home care or assisted living is more than many families can afford, and government assistance isn’t always very helpful.  Come together in person as a family and have an honest discussion on what each person can contribute.  If the numbers still don’t work, figure out what each person can sacrifice to make care more affordable.  In the end, a family moderator specializing in these situations may help bring a resolution.

Does Mom or Dad really need care?

Often times, family members disagree over whether or not a parent needs care and if so, what kind of care is needed.  Seek the objective opinion of a family physician or other qualified healthcare professional. 

End-of-life care and wills

While one family member might want hospice assistance, another might want to bring a terminally ill parent into their home and care for them.  This is why everyone should have a living will that spells these things out clearly so there is no confusion or disagreement when the parents might not be able to answer for themselves.  It’s also important that a will be drafted so after the person’s death, it is very clear who inherits what.

Caregiver burnout

Caregiver burnout can be a major contributing factor in adult children disagreeing with the path of care for their parents. The added stress can exacerbate feelings and emotions. Caregiver burnout is a real phenomenon and is accompanied by a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion that may be accompanied by a change in attitude -- from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned. Burnout can occur when caregivers don't get the help they need, or if they try to do more than they are able -- either physically or financially. Caregivers who are "burned out" may experience fatigue, stress, anxiety and depression. Many caregivers also feel guilty if they spend time on themselves rather than on their ill or elderly loved ones. It is critical that caregiving children get the support and help they need to weather the storm.

Talking with one voice

Working through disagreements is important so the family can talk with their loved one with one supportive voice. It can be extremely hard to have “the talk” with parents even when the family is united.  Dealing with all the issues listed above before you talk with a loved one will have a direct bearing on the results you are trying to achieve.

Remember that the goal is to keep your loved one safe, secure and independent at home, which is why you are working together as a family.  More importantly, whether you understand it or not, your parents are now looking to you to help make their golden years the best they can be.