Stop Caregiving!!

Well, Stop Caregiving (for just one minute.)

As a professional elder care mediator and publisher of Today’s Caregiver magazine and Caregiver.com for more than 30 years, I have one important request: Stop caregiving.

Okay—not forever. Just for one minute.

Now do me a favor: close your eyes and imagine, just for this moment, that money, time off work, and caregiving responsibilities are no obstacles.

What would you do for yourself? - Would you take a family vacation, treat yourself to a spa day, or plan a staycation filled with books and movies? Maybe it’s a cruise to someplace exotic, or simply quiet time with your children or grandchildren.

Now let me ask: What’s stopping you?

Most caregivers would answer the same way—there’s just not enough time. I understand that. And I deeply respect your devotion. Caregivers are stars, angels, and unrecognized heroes.

But I also want to share a tool created by my late brother, the founder of Today’s Caregiver. We have taught this to thousands of family caregivers in attendance at our Fearless Caregiver Conferences and many, if not most find something precious: free time.

We call it The Reverse Gift List.

How It Works

1. List Your Tasks - Take a sheet of paper. On the left side, write down every caregiving task for the week.

Be specific:

  • Pick up prescriptions
  • Schedule medical appointments
  • follow up on insurance referrals
  • Grocery shopping
  • Pay bills
  • Prepare dinners
  • Buy supplies like adult briefs or household needs

2. List Your Helpers - write down the people around you who might be willing to help with small favors. Don’t overlook anyone:

  • A cousin with a busy family
  • A neighbor
  • A fellow church member
  • A friend from work
  • A sibling, even one who lives out of state
  • A sister-in-law that you barely like
  • A friend who always says, “Let me know if you need anything”

3. Match Tasks to People

Grocery Shopping - If grocery shopping is on your list, split it up.

Give your sister-in-law a short list (milk, bread, eggs) and maybe a prepaid card from dollar tree to cover costs. Ask a neighbor to grab (ground beef, chicken and cheese) on their next trip.

  • Meals - Ask three church friends to each make dinner once a month.
  • You-time - Invite a neighborhood teen to spend an hour, every other week, with your loved one so you can step out for dinner or coffee with a friend.
  • Ask your sister-in-law to pick up the medication, the next time she goes to CVS.

Most don’t understand how much more time and energy it takes you to complete simple tasks. A task like going grocery shopping, can include time for shower, dressing, helping your loved one get into the car, finding a parking spot close to the store, finding a wheel chair that is hidden in the back of the store, etc. Letting someone else take a little piece of the load to give you space to breathe.

4. Be Ready When Help Is Offered 

  • Keep index cards with small tasks written on them. The next time someone asks, “What can I do to help?” hand them a card. You’ll be amazed at how many people truly want to support you—if only they know how.
  • What You Gain - These little “reverse gifts” from friends, family and acquaintances can add up to meaningful time for yourself.
  • Use that time to recharge, rest, and reconnect with the things that bring you joy.

Dana Reeve, wife of Superman actor Chris Reeve in a Today’s Caregiver magazine article said that we must find pockets of time to walk outside and enjoy a “mental bubble bath” no matter how fleeting. Asking someone who already goes to the grocery store to pick up a few items for you, who already is waiting in line at the pharmacy for their medicine to pick up your loved ones medicine, etc., will provide you with additional time. Now it is what you do with this new found additional time that is most important. Go out to enjoy coffee with a cousin, go to call a friend or to enjoy me-time.

My last request for this week is for you to waking up as if it was New Year’s Day. Treat it as a chance to start fresh, to try new caregiving strategies and to give yourself permission to build in moments of renewal.

Because every day is a new day to start “It” differently”. And you deserve it - you superhero.

Please share your comments below.