SC Barg
Too often, I hear from readers who have put their own care on hold while caring for a loved one. It's one of the most common — and most dangerous — patterns I've seen in nearly three decades of this work.
Almost 20 years ago, I learned this lesson firsthand. A dear friend of the magazine, a healthcare-educated social worker and nurse, became so consumed with caring for her husband that she missed her own doctor's appointments and ignored pains she should never have ignored. She passed away before he did — even though he was living with Alzheimer's and, by every measure, seemed to be the one whose health was most at risk.
Today, we lost Dolly Parton. I had the honor of meeting her years ago while producing a radio show in Knoxville, Tennessee, and her warmth left a lasting impression on me. Her passing is a reminder to all of us, especially caregivers, that health is never guaranteed — and that we cannot set our own aside while tending to someone else's.
As an elder mediator, I've sat with families navigating exactly this tension. The instinct to give everything to a loved one's care is a good and generous one. But it can quietly become self-erasure. Caregivers skip check-ups. They ignore symptoms. They tell themselves there will be time later — after things settle down, after the crisis passes. Too often, that time never comes.
A few ways to make sure you actually get to your own appointments:
Hire a home care agency for a few hours a month. Even just 3–4 hours, once a month, gives you a reliable window to see your own doctor without rearranging your entire life.
Book your appointment first, then arrange coverage around it. Waiting to schedule your visit until you "find time" almost guarantees it won't happen.
Ask a family member or friend to sit with your loved one for a single appointment. People often want to help but don't know how — a specific, short ask is easier to say yes to than an open-ended one.
Look into adult day programs. Many operate for just a few hours and can cover exactly the window you need.
Stack your own appointments. If you're already arranging care coverage, schedule your annual physical, dental cleaning, and any overdue screenings for the same day or week.
Treat your own appointment like it's non-negotiable — because it is. Put it on the calendar with the same seriousness you'd give your loved one's care needs.
Caring for yourself isn't a betrayal of your caregiving role. It's what makes it sustainable. If you are caring for someone else right now, let this be your reminder: keep your own appointments. Don't dismiss your own pain. Your health matters too — not despite your caregiving, but because of it.
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