The Question of Questions

During the Q&A sessions at the Fearless Caregiver Conferences, I always ask the attendees to hold the driving questions to the last half hour, since it generally swamps all other concerns. My contention is that most families know that their loved one should not be driving for at least six months before acting and their loved ones know they should not be driving for at least a year.

So many times, the challenges include being able to communicate your concerns without your loved one immediately shutting you down, as well as having a viable replacement to the mobility that the car offers. Yet, if you make a list of all the costs associated with driving, including maintenance, fuel, tires, repairs and taxes, you would find that figure represents a significant pool of money that can be applied to solving the transportation challenge. Not to mention the risk associated with having a loved one on the road who shouldn’t be wheeling around a ton of metal. One of the concerns that face us as family caregivers is how to take away the keys, hopefully without taking the direct blame for the loss of their car.

In response to my column last week, I received some pretty neat responses about driving.  Here are some:

Driving

Since we recently moved to VA, my husband (who has vascular dementia) would always drive. He cannot drive anymore and he says he doesn't know where we are going so I better drive rather than my telling him "turn left or right." So far, it's working.

Loving white lies

Brilliant suggestion from Dayna Thompson at my local Alzheimer’s Resource Center: I was at a total loss of how to get my mother back home when she left the house to walk to the subway stop and return to her childhood home. I know better than deny her reality, but I didn’t know what else to do. “This is Bloomington, not Budapest, there is no subway” did not work. No surprise. I only got her to turn back when she got cold. Dayna suggested that if it happens again, I say “the subway isn’t running today”. Brilliant!

Taking the keys

I had to take the keys from my dad. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. Had my car parked behind my dad. I sat on the edge of the with my dad in the drivers seat. Told dad mom was "making lunch" ( it was 9 am)You know how mad mom gets when your late for eating. He never wanted mom upset. Took a good 15 minutes to get him out of the car, but the keys "disappeared" after that. Cried all the way home.

One year at the Nashville Fearless Caregiver Conference, a young man stood up and told the attendees how concerned he was about his mom’s driving. He did not know how to successfully broach the subject, since, as he said, “she’s a strong lady.” But by the time the Area Agency on Aging professional and the elder attorney on the panel were able to respond, at least 10 caregivers offered their clever solutions to their own driving issues.

 Please share more of your driving challenges and solutions in the comments below.