Taking Care: How to Give and Receive Help
One of the most compassionate traits of human nature is that we want to take good care of those we love during challenging times. Giving and receiving care might seem like simple concepts, but reality is different when people’s hearts are burdened. Theories abound concerning grief, loss, and change. But when it comes right down to it, we often don’t know what to do in a crisis. It’s hard to breathe. What should we say? Should we offer food, flowers, or gifts, or remain silent until asked to do something? Heavens, we don’t want to make anything worse or make a mistake when things are so serious.
Almost everyone faces questions about how to assist those in need whether from a difficult diagnosis like cancer or an accident or any kind of loss. And when the shoe is on the other foot, the question flips and becomes how do we receive or ask for support? The following are some suggestions to guide you in taxing times.
Giving Through Action: Practical, Concrete Help
Some people feel so much better actually doing something rather than talking. It is much more practical to offer a specific service than a vague “let me know if you need anything” offer. First of all, be sure your friend or loved one wants this kind of support and schedule it with sensitivity. One idea to avoid uncertainty is to check in with the person’s spouse or family for the best timing for your offers. Here are some ideas of things to do that will assist your dear one in a concrete way:
- Offer to clean the house. Simple chores like sweeping, dusting, doing dishes, and cleaning bathrooms are usually appreciated. Try to do it with a light-hearted spirit, as if you are saturating the environment with your caring. Someone who is sick might have very little energy for housecleaning. If you can afford it, a gift certificate for a cleaning service may be less embarrassing for the person who might feel self-conscious about having friends going through the home.
- Do laundry including linens and towels if the person is comfortable with that.
- Lend a hand to take care of those in THEIR care; taking children to school, games, play dates etc. or walking pets and cleaning litter boxes or aquariums. It is comforting for people to know that the other people and creatures in their lives are being tended.
- Mow the lawn, rakes leaves, shovel snow, weed gardens, and take out the trash. If you do these chores with a spirit of joy, you can uplift your friend by lightening the work and the mood.
- Pick up prescriptions and medical supplies. If you are picking up prescriptions, be sure it is cleared with the pharmacy ahead that you have permission to do so. You will need to know the person’s date of birth.
- Go shopping for whatever is needed, or give a gift card to a favorite store. Many stores have curbside pickup or home delivery, so explore these options as well.
- Organize prepared meals…carefully and thoughtfully! Be sure you are aware of a person’s diet, especially if he or she is doing chemo or following any special diet during treatment. Sometimes, way too much food arrives at one time, so if you can coordinate food deliveries among those making meals, it goes a long way to eliminate the stress of having sixteen casseroles on the counter, some containing ingredients your dear one can’t even eat.
- Organize a chain via text, email, or phone calls so that updates on the person’s condition can go out efficiently. It can be exhausting to organize updates for the person facing a challenge, so doing that can reduce stress and increase the loving circle of support.
Giving through Words: What to Say…and Not to Say
Other people want to offer hope and comfort by saying the right words. However, it’s perfectly normal to be at a loss for words when a friend or loved one has a difficult diagnosis or situation. In fact, one of the most genuine phrases you can say is “there are no words” because no words can change the situation. But words can change a person’s attitude and sense of connection when he or she feels most alone! The most reassuring phrases can be short, simple, and from your heart. Here are some examples of what might be comforting:
- “I care so much for you, but I don’t know what to say.”
- “I’m so sorry you are going through this.”
- “I can be a listening ear any time you need it.”
- It’s equally important to know what NOT to say. Here are some examples of what might not be encouraging:
- “I know precisely how you feel in this situation.”
- “My friend/relative had ________________________, too. He/she did __________________ and is fine now.”
- “I know you will get better. Don’t worry!” (Ironically, telling a person not to worry can make it seem like the problem is not that bad and can make it seem like you are minimizing the situation.)
- Most important of all, listen. Listen with your heart. Be gentle and open, but don’t promise anything about the future. Try to balance both comfort and reality as much as you can. Your dear one will appreciate your sincere efforts.
When You Need Help
It can be humbling, overwhelming, and even embarrassing to need help. It is surprising how many difficult emotions arise. You might wonder how you can ask for things when everyone has always looked to you for support. You are not alone in these feelings, and it’s okay to have them. Let’s look at a couple of strategies and steps so you can get some assistance when you need it.
Ask one person to be your communication link to the rest of your friends and support circle. It can be draining to keep updating the entire world about your situation when you are trying to figure it out yourself. This doesn’t mean people can’t reach out to you, but this person can streamline updates and keep everyone in your support circle well informed.
It’s completely normal to have no idea how to ask for assistance. Another proactive step is to make a list of immediate needs so eager people can plug in, whether by running errands, making food, or doing a load of laundry. If making a list is too overwhelming, ask a friend to brainstorm with you and write down ideas. Sometimes, oddly enough, it can even seem like a burden to try to find jobs for everyone who seems to want them. Release the sense of needing to fulfill others’ need to help you. Times of personal crisis can force us to put ourselves first.
Learning how to take care is one of the greatest opportunities in our lives. It is not easy, but it is infinitely rewarding to assist others and receive care ourselves. Perhaps some of these tips can aid you, but please, please remember that you don’t have to be perfect…you just have to be there. Even though giving and receiving help is a human circumstance, don’t forget your higher power or spiritual life, no matter what tradition or practice you follow. It can be a great source of comfort. Then, take a deep breath and be there for your dear ones during challenging times. Remember to keep your own heart open when they want to do the same for you. Take good care!
To learn more about melanoma clinical trials, visit BMSStudyConnect.com. The site provides patients and caregivers with information about how clinical trials work and how they might be part of making sure new medicines are effective and safe.
Sources
https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/the-best-and-worst-ways-to-support-a-friend-with-cancer
https://www.mskcc.org/news/10-tips-supporting-friend
Bowen, Deborah E. and Susan L. Strickler, A Good Friend for Bad Times, Minneapolis: Augsburg Books, 2004. Pp. 53-4.
The paragraphs about specific things to do largely came from this source, but some cross references can be found in this source:
https://www.mskcc.org/news/10-tips-supporting-friend
https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/the-best-and-worst-ways-to-support-a-friendwith-cancer
Most of the information about what to say and what not to say came from this source.
https://www.mskcc.org/news/10-tips-supporting-friend
This concept came from the comments section of the article, from a patient named Jim Russo