How To Approach Your Parents Regarding Funeral Planning Decisions

Discussions about what to do before or after the death of your parents or loved ones are undoubtedly awkward and stressful. Talking with your parents about their eventual demise is never fun.  The “Sudden Death Checklist,” workbook is designed for families and their caregivers to help break through the resistance or avoidance of this difficult discussion.

Look at this process as an effective way to avoid future financial woes and family disputes. Your parents may not always be enthusiastic about these discussions, but planning will help lower your family’s stress during and after their passing.

Dealing with Resistance to Talking About End-of-Life Matters

To begin the process, review the first few chapters of the Sudden Death Checklist and get familiar with the information.   Try filling the pages out yourself before talking with your parents. Use highlighters to separate items “done,”  “unfinished”, or “blocked”.  As you read through the first few sections, prepare yourself for resistance.  Then arrange a meeting with your parents to discuss the workbook.  If you encounter resistance in talking about the easier issues, now is NOT the time to say, “Mom, where do you want to be buried?” “Cremation or interment?”   Just skip over the item for now while telling her that you’ll write down a few things, knowing that you will circle back later to review those tough questions or fill it out yourself. 

Your parents’ resistance to talking about their eventual passing comes from discomfort and fear surrounding the topic. That discomfort may manifest itself as:

• Brief and passive replies
• Disinterest
• Antagonistic statements
• Excessive sarcasm

This should be a “Mom/Dad, help me help you” kind of conversation.  The goal is to get them to say “YES.”  

For example:

“Hey Mom and Dad, you said that if something happens to either or both of you, you’ve appointed Mary and me set to deal with things after you’re gone, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, we’ve been talking, and there’s a lot of decisions that have to be made by Mary and me. I picked up this checklist to help us work through those decisions with you and your advisors. Mary and I don’t want to get overwhelmed. When can we sit down with you and Mom to go over this stuff?”

And…you take it from there.                 

When to Be More Firm in Your Approach

Sometimes tact and diplomacy may be required. That’s where the Sudden Death Checklist comes into play as a guide or conversational tool.

The checklists found in the Sudden Death Checklist go from easy to tough topics.  Picking the phone tree and who is on the list can be done in an hour, while writing the obituary may be more difficult. It’s all there, step by step

If your parents continue to drag their feet, at some point you may have to be firm and explain to your parents why their involvement is so critical.  They have information that NOBODY else in the family does!  For example:

• Where’s the key for the safe deposit box at the bank? 
• What about the bedroom’s safe?
• Who do their wedding rings go to?
• What happens to the business and the management decisions surrounding it?

And hundreds of other little details that only they know.

Put the blame on yourself or the workbook. Position the conversation as something that they are doing to help you get through what will be a hard time.

Unfortunately, this is the time for insistence in their involvement.

Why?

Because you will be stuck with the difficult decisions, managing the cash, and the legal document searches.  Their input will save the entire family from pain, money, and later on.

The Role of a Checklist in Your Planning

The Sudden Death Checklist helps you stay organized and focused while bringing the key people (parents and family advisors – business, finance, religious, etc.) into the conversation. As you work through the checklist, use different color highlighters to indicate any changes over time to the initial information. Start with filling in the easy items of the checklist such as phone trees and social media log-in information. 

Your parents’ Trust and Estate Lawyer will be able to coach you through the probate process. Try walking through the workbook’s Section 2 as a fire drill to discover potential problems.

Final Thoughts

There is help to get you through these tough discussions. The Sudden Death Checklist enables you to work with the trusted advisors of the family and your parents to plan for the funeral, protect the family assets, and position the family business for longevity after the passing of its founder(s).  If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to the workbook’s author Jack Veale at jackv@ptcfo.com