Caring for an aging spouse presents unique challenges

Caring for an aging spouse can often be the most challenging decision ever made in a marriage. It forces the couple to have to rewrite the relationship’s expectations, which can be hard to do after years of partnership.

While one spouse has taken on the role of caregiver in light of the waning health of their partner, the other spouse feels guilty at being a burden. The illness or age-related decline can overtake the relationship causing the caregiving spouse to be ignored or overlooked in favor of the ill partner at a time when they need assistance the most.

Recent studies suggest that while a spouse will protect and care for his or her partner, they often report more depression, anxiety and financial loss than other married couples of the same age but without the medical issues. Because of the sudden nature in this shift in relationship duties, the caregiving spouse also is not prepared for the mental toil this change can have on their emotional well-being.

But there are ways that spouses can prepare each other for this possibility and ways the caregiving spouse can cope if the situation has already reached this point.

Have a conversation about aging

When a marriage is new, thoughts of aging are at the backburner as the couple plans a new life together. Then comes the living – buying houses, raising children and working. These things may get in the way of having a conversation about what is expected should the day come when one spouse must care for another. However, making time to have this discussion can save heartache later. Planning for aging care is just as important as planning for retirement or death. Talk to your spouse about this as part of other planning activities.

Get needed help

The burdens of taking care of a spouse can build, making it harder to have patience with daily tasks, doctor’s appointments and unexpected issues. This is when the spouse needs a break. When possible, asking a friend or family member to help, or even hiring a professional caregiver for a short period of time can give the caregiver a much-deserved break to recharge. Seeking advice on how to cope with both the change in the relationship and with the actual process of caregiving is also recommended. Join a group that caters to spousal caregivers, talk with a mental health expert or bring children or other family members into the discussion to help alleviate the burden.

Allow time to accept the relationship’s changes

Certainly, the caregiving spouse must manage any medical care their husband or wife needs immediately, but the caregiver also needs time to process the relationship’s new roles. In much the same way people need time to grieve the death of a loved one, a new caregiver needs time to mourn the loss of their former lifestyle. Call on family or friends to commiserate or lend an ear. If necessary, consult a doctor or support group for help in accepting this huge change.

Become informed about the spouse’s physical needs

In addition to the aging process, often the spouse has other ailments that need treatment. Learning more about the condition affecting the partner will make the caregiver better able to handle any issues that come up during care. Talking to the spouse’s doctors and researching the condition on trusted medical websites like the Mayo Clinic or disease-specific sites like the Alzheimer’s Association will arm caregivers with knowledge. Many of these sites also have links to local support groups.

Include the ill or aging spouse in decisions when possible

Many times, the spouse in need of care is still mentally agile and can help with decision-making even if they are too physically ill to act. Don’t assign the ill spouse to a passive role simply because they require care. If the aging spouse is able, plan events as a couple. An indoor date night with dinner and a movie, playing board games or participating in an activity the couple enjoyed together before the illness can remind partners they are still a couple even if the dynamics have changed.

Retain the aging spouse’s dignity

Maintaining the relationship as a couple should include acknowledgment that the ill husband or wife is still a human. Allow the spouse to do tasks they can perform and don’t expect to do everything for them. If there are tasks the aging spouse can still do, they should be given the opportunity to do them. Some spouses resent or feel guilty that their partner is doing so many chores for them, so allowing them the dignity to do what they can is encouraged.

The key to caring for an aging or ill partner is to realize that this is no longer an isolated situation and help is available. A serious illness or aging issues should not rock the foundation of a marriage. Find comfort in the knowledge that being a devoted partner to an aging or ill spouse until the very end is the very embodiment on which most marital foundations were built.