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Sharing Wisdom/Caretips:
Tips from Family Caregivers

The best ideas and solutions for taking care of your loved one often come from other caregivers.

Please post your ideas and insights here and we will share them with your fellow caregivers.

Share your Wisdom

Shared by: Barbara

my son became an alcoholic because he could not swallow food. every time he tried to swallow food he couldn't. He had to throw it up or chock to death. So he turned to beer. He also has jungle rot all over his body and a lung is pass his riib cage. His lung hurts him constantly. He uses a niblizer five times a day and a niblizer three times a day. he worked as a chef for years. he worked for mister donuts. he made the donuts, he also was a head ched at a steak restaurant. he can not no longer work. just think abouut it, would you eat at a restaurant with the chef having psoriasis all over his hands. yes psoriasis also flakes off. psoriasis real bad. would you eat his food. he was the best donut maker and the best chef with the steaks and every thing else. he could no longer cook because of this and other health problems. he keeps getting denied for disability. i need to know why he keeps getting denied. yes he lives wi th me (I AM HIS MOTHER ON SOCIAL SECRIty) I am 73 healthier than him. he cannot live in he street. he will die because he cannot take he humidity. he will get an apartment if he was getting ssdi. i eed an honest answer as why he cannot get the help he needs

Shared by: Susi
South Africa Cape Town

I am currently careing for boyfriends dad with dementia.. But there's family jealousy between boyfriend and sister,she's saying he doesn't need careing and he's not comfortable with me around ,wants, his place to himself......BT there's no way he can be alone..... We get on so well, but after hearing this I feel so despondant,not sure if he cud have said this or been brain washed?

Shared by: Elaine

I went to work and client left the freezer open all night and wanted to clean it and she didn't want me to clean and report me to my company and I got a write up because they are trying to use customer service but she could have hurt herself it was water on floor everything melted and my jobs said leave it is that right I think that i s mean and nasty

Shared by: Lauren

For the last 28yrs I have carried for first my mom than later my dad. Mom had a cva,chf and copd requiring 24/7 nursing. The last 2yrs of moms life ,dad began crashing- the last 17yra 24/7 nursing. To pay for all of the additional medical bills first I let the life insurance policies' go (after I found out that mom had changed dads policies taking the cash out and making a whole life term insurance) than I did a reverse mortgage pay of moms hospital bills and to pay the mortgage off along with paying for dads medicine,which at that time was 1500. We get no help from the state nor va-too much income. I have never been paid for my work. I am now 56 with nothing in retirement and no money. By the 20th of the month we are broke. I have an aging car25yrs old. Broken furniture. I inherit nothing. I have no real work history as nobody considers this work. I was given a diagnosis of ovarian/uterine cancer last year. My insurance is medi-cal and n o help. I just had emergency surgery for my gallbladder which was cut off the liver only to pick dad up from the nursing home the VA put him in for respite care for a lousy 15 -came out with a stage 3pressure sore on his heel. (the nursing home was warned that dad has no open arteries from the knees down but the VA only pays for a bed and food with only 1/2 of his meds given) I came home with a very ill dad ,now incontent, unable to even get out of bed. A living nightmare. I was in no shape to care for him ,let alone take him to the emergency room,MD appts finally to UCLA for an 8and1/2 surgury to save his foot from gangrene. (yes Dr. saved his foot. I am scared to death. Have been for the past 5yrs. My dad is 91who now can add vascular dementia to the list of his problems. I have no way to care for him while I get treatment for cancer if I can find someone to treat me. Financial freedom called. I am behind on the property taxes. They told me FHA is requiring a fo rm to be filled out, they determined the amount or if they feel there is enough money to meet a payment plan. I owe 13,000 in back taxes . Did the reverse mortgage in 2004. This is a town home. I have never been married. I guess you could say my whole life has been about my parents. I guess I have done too good a job. I would like to offer you a solution but none is available. I know what I will do. I am tired. I have had no vacation in all of these years. I believe you are able to get government help for your son. I never found a way to tuck away money ,oh hell I need bras and no money -glasses for the last 14yrs-no money. Their is no way to take care of yourself. This job is a bottomless money pit. The sad part is that no one will be around when our time comes. Feel free to respond back

Shared by: Janet

I am the wife and caregiver for my 83 year old husband that has dementia and legally blind. He also has sundowners disease. At 2:00 or 3:00 every morning he gets up wanting to go to his home. He gets his walker and starts walking up the sidewalk. I get him home and try to get him into the bed to sleep. It is very hard to do. I have Malignant Melanoma and need to take care of myself, but I can go nowhere without taking my husband with me. I am afraid to leave him alone.

Shared by: Dorothy
New York

When I put my husband in his wheelchair I cannot get him in a comfortable position he needs to sit all of the way back in the chair.

Shared by: Donna

Never live and work with your caregiver I was verbal abuse it was absolutely horrible

Shared by: Valerie
S. California

As I mentioned previously, I took care of my bedridden Mother for nearly 20 years. Whether she truly had Alzheimer's or a form of dementia I guess I'll never know. My Mother passed away at home in April 2015. In all those years of caregiving I learned a lot, mainly by having to come up with new ways to meet her nutritional requirements and fluid intake. The last 12 years of my Mother's life she didn't speak and could not do anything for herself.

Previously I described my gelatinized Ensure Plus recipe. This time here's one for Metamucil to help your loved one have somewhat normal bowel movements and hopefully avoid the horrors of constipation or super loose movements.

2 cups water in medium size bowl, add 1 box Orange Jello (I used sugar free because there was less mixing) whisk together and heat in microwave 3 min. Set aside and let cool on countertop for at least an hour.( Jello needs to be room temp before adding Metamucil otherwise it will start turning into sludge before all the Metamucil has been mixed in) Measure out heaping teaspoons of Metamucil into measuring cup (directions on Metamucil container says 1 heaping teaspoon per 8 ounces of water) I usually doubled this amount Take 2 cups cold water (I used a very tall glass) and quickly stir in Metamucil. Then just as quickly pour cold water and Metamucil mixture into bowl with dissolved Jello. Whisk quickly till blended. Place in fridge till set. Once set, mixture can be cut with knife into desired serving size, such as 1/4, 1/6, or 1/8. I would then add this Metamucil/Jello mixture to my Mom's pureed (using a food processor like Cuisinart) dinner. I personally never gave it to her as a stand alone serving, preferring it to be blended in with other food and liquid which also gave the puree a good consitenc6y for spoon feeding.

Shared by: Valerie
S. California

I took care of my bedridden Mother for nearly 20 years due to her having dementia. She passed away quietly at home this past April 2015. In that time I came up with several recipes to meet her nutritional requirements. When she could no longer drink on her own, or even with assistance, I would make up Ensure Plus into a gelatin and spoon feed her. Here is the recipe: take one unflavored gelatin packet, place in medium sized bowl, add 1/2 cup water, heat in microwave 2-3 min till gelatin dissolves. Add 2 bottles of Ensure Plus (any flavor) to dissolved gelatin mixture and whisk. Place in fridge till set. Once set, gelatinized Ensure can be spoon fed to loved one and serve as a vehicle for fluid intake. Total volume is 2 1/2 cups (20 ounces) and 770 calories.

Shared by: Sonsyrea

Support groups help! I attended a support group at the VA Rehab where my granddad was and, whoa! Game changer! In addition to hearing that others experienced the same emotions as I related to the demands of caregiving and the high expectations we set for ourselves gave me relief. But later, reading the information offered in handouts and reviewing the practical exercises helped a great deal. Learning that it's common to feel guilty about not doing enough - regardless of how much we're doing, and getting practical questions and exercises to eliminate the guilt was good.

Shared by: Valerie

Wow, I came on her for tips to help me with my situation and all I'm reading are posts from ppl that need help!! Please take the advice from Tara and.. CALL YOUR LOCAL DEPT OF SOCIAL AND HEALTH AND ASK...You can also call Adult Protective Services in your area if someone is in a bad situation or condition and ask them to come out and assess your situation and offer solutions! Most elderly people can get assistance from the state for a paid caregiver to come out for a few hours. Call your local churches for volunteers, they will come and give you respite ( time away). Local Senior Centers have resources, visit your local nursing home and talk to a social worker. Call your local hospital and ask to speak to a geriatric social worker. If your loved one was a veteran then they can also get help. Don't post on here and wait for an answer, pick up your phone and don't stop until you get the help you need. It is out there! Depending on the state you live in, there is a wide variety of help available to you. I you have lots of money or long term care insurance you can always hire a private caregiver or hire a home care age ncy to help keep your loved one at home. There are also Adult Family Homes available to take your loved one. CALL YOUR LOCAL STATE AGENCY!!!!!!!!

Shared by: Cary

I need some free help for my mom like doctors spots.. shower. I am 51year old I feel that I need someone to help me is to much,I took care of my dad for 5years and now is my mom and I need help can anyone hep me please thank you

Shared by: D. Ransom

It doesn't hurt to agree most of the time. Let them have their way as long as it's not detrimental to their health. Smile a lot and say nice things - most of all give a lot of hugs.

Shared by: Sylvia

The blind is usually in denial. Remember that and things will become easier to deal with.

Shared by: Valicia
New Jersey

Sole caregiver of elderly mother with significant medical and emotional needs for over 5 years. Just found out a reverse mortgage was done with no equity left, what I thought was life insurance turned out to be medical only. I am the mother of a 15 year old special needs son and we both will soon be homeless. I just can't believe this life we're in. I am very scared for our future and don't know what to do. Any advice? I feel like this could never have happened to anyone else, a real nightmare but yet, very real for my son and I.

Shared by: Shantaria

Im a single mother of 3 & a caregiver of one my 8year old Sema'j....... With the lost of my section8 im forced to move in a 2 bedroom apt with upstairs. With not help lifting him its hard.... I do have a nurse but we both can barely carry him.... With my oldest off to college i have know help & with all his medical equipment in the small apartment i have know space & know help.....please help me because now its just me,my daughter, my disable son

Shared by: Maria

My companion had surgery for brain tumor and is recovering very well but cannot be left alone at home becasuse of risk of seizures. He cannot work or drive but walks and does almost everything by himself. I work everyday from 7;00 am to 7;00 pm We do not have relatives nearby. What and how we can do?

Shared by: Dianne

My son takes care of my Mother-in-law and has been for a year and a half. An aide recently came into the home with a VN. When the aide came alone and wanted to do things for her my Mother-in-law has refused she just said "he can do it." She won't let anyone help her but me. I need to get a job, we need the money, but it is very difficult when she won't let anyone do anything for her. She is ninety years old and pretty much can do some things, she is very sharp, but I don't know what else to do.

Shared by: Teresa

For Debbie, check with your colleges where you live in Philadelphia, Temple University College had a program where they would send students to come and help at your home, it is an excellent program. Also check with your political people, your governor, mayor, state rep. city councils, there is help out there you just have to keep pushing and don't give up.

Shared by: Anonymous

If you are caring for someone who has dementia/Alzheimer, please use the local adult day health care center. They can pick them up and they will be with professionals that can attend to his daily needs from 8-3. Check with their insurance if the insurance has caregiver relief programs. call the senior centers to get resources. Don't do it alone. You will burn out!

Shared by: Debbie

I am 36 and taking care of my 71 year old father with Alzheimer's. He is in stage 6 and needs my 24 hour care. I had applied for a waiver here in Maryland to be a paid caregiver (it wouldn't be much but it would help). Last month I was told I was approved but today I was told I wasn't. It turns out they will not pay family members at all. I'm at such a loss at how to support the small bills I have. Are there any other agencies that can help us caregivers financially? I am beyond stressed.

Shared by: Tara

I just want to say to anyone in need, call your local Department of Social and Health Department and ask for Aging and Disabilities. You can also call Adult Protective Services in your area if someone is in a bad situation or condition and ask them to come out and assess your situation and offer solutions! Most elderly people can get assistance from the state for a paid caregiver to come out for a few hours. Call your local churches for volunteers, they will come and give you respite ( time away). Local Senior Centers have resources, visit your local nursing home and talk to a social worker. Call your local hospital and ask to speak to a geriatric social worker. If your loved one was a veteran then they can also get help. Don't post on here and wait for an answer, pick up your phone and don't stop until you get the help you need. It is out there! Depending on the state you live in, there is a wide variety of help available to you. I you have lots of money or long term care insurance you can always hire a private caregiver or hire a home care agency to help keep your loved one at home. There are also Adult Family Homes available to take your loved one. CALL YOUR LOCAL STATE AGENCY!!!!!!!!

Shared by: Kathleen

I'm a 74 yr old senior female widow who's romantically involved with a gentleman several years my senior. Although he's proposed marriage repeatedly over the last few years, I have never felt it would be beneficial for us to make a marriage commitment since I'm also a breast cancer survivor who's already had a mild stroke once already. Now, however, his grown children are having him transferred to a long-term rehabilitation facility and I'm considering agreeing to marriage in order that I might have a "say" in preventing him from being a permanent patient in the long-term care facility. I have no interest in his financial circumstances, which are quite healthy, nor do I wish to claim any financial benefits whatsoever as a result of potentially getting married. My true interest is in providing him with round-the-clock, in-home caregiving benefits to the best of my ability, although this care would nee d to be offered in his home rather than in my small condo. My concern is whether or not his grown children could prevent my taking care of their dad in his own home rather than in a facility. Does anyone know what legal rights I would be able to have in order to marry and provide and meet his medical/physical needs if we were to marry now? Also, would I be facing any personal repercussions for following through with this idea? We both live in the Harrisburg, PA area, in case this would make any difference. Thanks much to anyone who might have valuable information to offer us.

Shared by: Joel

My wife has lewy bodies for about 7 years now-fell 2 years ago -broke hip and has been in wheel chair-she is only 70- some of the things we do- use a lift to get her into bed-make sure she gets 3 nutritious meals timed to her good parts of the day since she sleeps most of the time- her biggest problem is allusinations-some times she goes to bed at 6 -sometimes 10 depending on her condition-we have an aid for most of the day through Medicaid-check ith local agencies for programs and waiting lists.

Shared by: Kathleen

I'm a 74 yr old senior female widow who's romantically involved with a gentleman several years my senior. Although he's proposed marriage repeatedly over the last few years, I have never felt it would be beneficial for us to make a marriage commitment since I'm also a breast cancer survivor who's already had a mild stroke once already. Now, however, his grown children are having him transferred to a long-term rehabilitation facility and I'm considering agreeing to marriage in order that I might have a "say" in preventing him from being a permanent patient in the long-term care facility. I have no interest in his financial circumstances, which are quite healthy, nor do I wish to claim any financial benefits whatsoever as a result of potentially getting married. My true interest is in providing him with round-the-clock, in-home caregiving benefits to the best of my ability, although this care would nee d to be offered in his home rather than in my small condo. My concern is whether or not his grown children could prevent my taking care of their dad in his own home rather than in a facility. Does anyone know what legal rights I would be able to have in order to marry and provide and meet his medical/physical needs if we were to marry now? Also, would I be facing any personal repercussions for following through with this idea? We both live in the Harrisburg, PA area, in case this would make any difference. Thanks much to anyone who might have valuable information to offer us.

Shared by: Frances

I am taking care of my mother for a few years now and I am starting to worry about her memory. Eventhough she will strongly disagree with me on this issue the results are still the same she is losing her memory. What can I do to help her recognize that she is losing her memory and that she is not able to take care of her finances anymore?

Shared by: Lisa

Hi! Friends i my mom and kid sister taking care of our sick father for two weeks now he cant eat, walk, talk, stand nor seat i dont knw what to do pls help

Shared by: Samuel

I have two questions. I facilitate a COPD Support Group in Stuart, Florida. I have been contacted by Fearless Caregiver in the past to promote the local conferences. I have been asked by a few of my support group attendees if there is a local support group for the caregivers of COPD patients. Would you have any information on this? I am thinking about starting a group if there is not a group already in the area. The other question regards information on becoming a licensed caregiver in the State of Florida. I figured since I was already contacting you about the first question, I might as well ask this one as well. Thank you in advance for your help.

Shared by: Ariel

Help! I am in my late 20's and currently am a live in aid for my boyfriends dad. I have a 8 year old child. We have been here for a few months and I am already frustrated:( I get NO sleep because the dad has dementia. Because of the dementia he is confused a lot- something I already know, but when I want to go to sleep, its soooo frustrating. I know your all like, "wHERE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND?" I KNOW RIGHT? LOL. He works a lot and live in a separate house. He work 10 hr shifts and have a business. He come over when he can. Still its not even to end the madness and help me out! The dad had an accident last night. The "accident" was all over the newly carpeted floor, his room, and bathroom floor, toilet and walls. I had to lock myself in my room. I dealt with it the next day. Any way. He goes to a facility ONLY 5 days a week for 5 hours a day.Its still not enough. The dad destroys everything. He is very stubborn, defiant, a nd just stuck in his ways. He does NOT take his medication and randomly leaves to go to bars and I have to deal with it! He walks around the house without PULL UPS :/ I want to have weekends or maybe a week off. Is there a way for me to have a break?? Is there any facilities that can keep his dad for a week or every other weekend? We have to figure something out. What is your opinion on what we should do? Do such organizations exist?

Shared by: Eric

Wondering if some type of non-profit "caregiving community" would be helpful. Might facilitate assistance amongst caregivers. Do such organizations exist?

Shared by: Lisa

You can go to your local Area on Aging and they will have resources on housing options, emergency shelter from evictions especially with an elderly family member. You can also check with your local Senior Center they are a fantastic resource and can provide you with several directions to check into. In my area we have legal help for evictions and the elderly check that option out as well.

Shared by: Rachel

I live in a home with seven people. I am NOT RELATED TO ANYONE, except my child. There are two men in the same household as me that are related. I am not the caretaker of anyone here. The healthier brother is Stan, and the sickly brother is Harry. Harry isdying and stan will not help him. Is it my responsibilty to put the sick brother in a nursing home?

Shared by: Linda

I am a caregiver to my husband he will be 80 years young july 8 1935 pray for our home I am getting evicted from the landlord here where we live at and I don't know who to go to for help thank you.

Shared by: Doris

Linda check with medicare about your mom's situation, because there are funds availabe to pay you for the personal care you're providing your mom. I know you don't expect pay for caring for the lady that cared for you when you couldn't care for yourself, but think of the outings this may afford you guys, check into it it can't hurt, right? I only wish I was close by I could sit with her while you took a break shopping or visiting with ole friends......also, check with your local medicaide Program for same type program Keep us posted on your progress.

Shared by: Doris

It would be wonderful if seniors such as myself had a local community where we could live and those of us able bodied could asist others with whatever care we can do my situation cause me to be very limited because of left paralysis due to a massive aneurysm in 1994; but I can still use my right hand and I feel blessed in that reguard because I can still cook and do light housekeeping no vaccumming or traditional mopping, I use a hand towel and my cane..

Shared by: Debra

I have a care giver but they are taking hours away they say because I have husband and he can do the things the care give is doing. I need a lawyer. I had one but he said I did not have a case. Isnt it the reason I have as caregiver is to from some of this some time for a few hours?

Shared by: LeAndra

My mother has Parkinson's and now found out has Stage 1 lymphoma, lives in Houston MO, about hour and a half from me and I do go down to visit do laundry, buy groceries, clean her apt, etc. With not being closer, I am trying to find help/assistance for her like a couple times a week?? She is on Medicare; not sure if that will help pay for anything?? This is all new to me and looking for options.....

Shared by: Linda

I have a 59 year old, controlled schizophrenic brother that needs a private group home in the state of fla.

Shared by: Barb

I know people need people to talk to. we have son with bipolar and depression. Helps to be there for them as much as can. Caregivers do need a break too. Looking for someone to help check on our son while we take little 1 or 2 week vacations.

Shared by: Linda

I am currently caring for an elderly lady with the first signs of dementia she is 91 and only complains of burning in the evening time it keeps her up all night the doctor says there is no uti or any infection at all. Please help.

Shared by: Diana

To: Kathleen, check with your senior citizen agencies in your city. There is a program where they will come and take your relatives to give you a break it helps a lot. I cannot think of the name of it, but that is what you need. I cared for my mom for 17 years no help from my siblings but thank God I got help from the caregivers.

Check with the senior citizen centers or agencies and tell them your situations and they will tell you what the name of the program is, that will help you get some rest they will care for them so you can chill, Please take care of yourself you can burn yourself out.

Shared by: Diana

For Matthew I had the same problem years ago caring for my mom, I got a Barton transfer chair it helped me so much to get her out of the bed. Check with medicare they covered it.

Go on the web look for Barton Transfer chair. It was such a blessing I did not have to do anything. Some hospital are using them as well. Wish you luck

Shared by: Barbara

If you are concerned about hearing your mother if she calls at night, another solution is to buy a wireless doorbell. You can fasten the button near her bed and fasten the bell near your bed. It is inexpensive and works well.

Shared by: Cynthia
New York

My brother is going to need 24/7 care. I have to work. Is there any way to get information for financial assistance if I need to leave work.

Shared by: Rhonda

I take care of my brother who is 45 yrs. old. He is an epileptic and is mentally retarded. I am needing advise about my employer. She is trying to force me to work on the weekend. I don't have anyone to take care of him am she knows i can't leave him alone. Is there anything I can do?

Shared by: Farah
Los Angeles

I just want tips how to be stronger for my fragile mother and see other's people's advice in a caretaking position as mine. Thanks

Shared by: Matthew

Hi, I'm not sure what to do anymore getting Mom in and out of bed is getting hart any tips how we can help her and us make it a easier and more safe.

Shared by: P

Elizabeth in California: one simple solution, get a baby monitor and put it in yours and your Mother's room. You'll be able to hear her and you can adjust the volume as needed. Also, you can get an alarm to put on the best to alert you if she tries to get up. Hope that's helpful.

Shared by: Elizabeth

My worry is that I don't always hear my moma when calls out for help in the night. she can't get up or anything by herself anymore. please , I need some ideas on how I can wake when she's calling for help to do whatever.

Shared by: Amanda

I have been a caregiver to my twin sister for quite a while now. She is only 30 years old. She was diagnosed with Leukemia at 20 and went into remission for 7 years. After her second fight the chemo put her in heart failure, and she had to have open heart surgery to have a LVAD implanted to take over the pumping of her heart. She now lives with a LVAD and just relapsed again 5 months ago. She has been going through chemo, plus needing platelet and blood transfusions several times a week. She is a single mom with three kids. I have been helping take care of all of them, and have been a mom to those kids. I have 2 of my own. I have quit working, and money is tight with just my husbands income. I take care of 2 houses cooking, cleaning, and laundry for 8 people. I am very busy. It is hard, but what keeps me going is God. I pray for strength to keep going and God gives me that strength. The hardest part in all of this is not the work load, or fina ncial problems but the fact that I don't know how much longer I have to spend with my twin. She is my best friend and I have to watch her struggle daily. I have to be a mom to her kids when she can't be. It breaks my heart. All I want is to be the best caregiver I can be. I long for the moments when we laugh together. I pray that God will heal her, because her prognosis is not good. If you are struggling then pray, and God will help you through this. Most importantly cherish the moments you have together while you have it.

Shared by: Laura

My grandmother put my mom as a power attorney, then my mother put me as a power attorney but my grandmother has more siblings, what can i do to get me out?

Shared by: Karen

My husband has late stage chronic lyme disease; along with massive spinal issues (torn, ruptured, heriated discs). Additionally, he has CAD (coronary atery disease), is a survivior of HEP C; lives with depression/axiety and because of the plethera of meds he is on, also lives with ED. In the past week, he was bitten by a brown recluse spider.....not as bad a a black widow, but stilll painful.

Also in the last week,we were denied disability for him ( was our first application)

I am angry and losing patience. I'm trying not to take it out on him (my temper has been short, but that's all.....don't worry!!)

Additionally, because of financial reasons we have had to rent half of our house to a disabled couple (One woman lives with heart disease and strokes and lives with seizeres. The other woman has had a leg amputated and both have depression and axiety issues.

Here's my issue: I am the only "healthy" one among the four of us. I work a full time job and make sure that everyone gets to their respective doctors/dentist appointments.

I suffer (I say "suffer", because I am not on medication for it) from severe depression and anxiety. There are other medical issues that I need to attend to for myself. Because of finances, in spite of working FT, I do not have benefits. There's only so far the monthy finances can go after paying the utilities and mortgage.

How do I take care of all these people, work FT and still have any time left over for myself? I feel like I'm the rock that everyone depends on (and always had all my life). But as everyone chips away from "The Rock" how do I keep from crumbling? These people are my husband and my dearest friends. How, How, How do I remain strong, able and controlled and someone they can depend on when all I feel as if I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry????????

Shared by: Gerard

Got a brother who wont clean his house & lived in a unclean house wont let me in to clean his house, what the best advice you could give me i would be very grateful to you for any help you could me.

Shared by: Kathleen

I care for my mother (85) years young 24/7 and I desperately need help. I have siblings but not able to help. I also take care of her brother who is 88, so even if I get a momma sitter im taking care of him. I need some time for me . I can not find me I so evolved with elderly I'm lost . I just need someone who does this everyday who relates how do you manage? Help please I would not change the arrangements just need a little break.

Shared by: Susan
Green Bay

My brother Needs 24/7 care through night as he can't move himself. He lives in green bay. We have a wedding g in Milwaukee and I need to find someone who could stay in his room and turn him when he needs to be turned in bed. Don't know if there is a service for this.

Shared by: Terri

My mother had to have a tube put in as she will hardley eat and will not drink. It started about a year ago with her having a UTI and it was hard to clear up. It was finally under control but other issues are going on. They tested her for a stroke, dementia, Alzheimer's, etc but she is in good physical shape but she was diagnosed with physiological issues. The meds do not help. One day she will talk another day she won't, etc. We have yet to find a doctor who is really interested in helping her. We don't know what to do.

Shared by: Karen

My husband has a myriad of health issues. We've rented out half our house to a disabled couple also with a myriad of health issues. I'm the only "healthy" one....the only one that can work. I feel like I'm nothing more than a paycheck and a mode of transportation to doctor visits. I have my own health issues, but they need to be ignored out of necessity. I don't know what to do.

Shared by: Becky
South Carolina

If your mother has dementia and you find a private sitter recommended thru your family member and this private sitter after your father dies begins to treat you like she will do as she pleases and she treats you and says to other she does not have to take anything off of you, get rid of her at that point because she has taken over

Shared by: Trudy

I've been taking care of my 81 year old father for afew years now. I stopped working a year ago because he could no longer drive. He has heart disease and kidney issues high blood pressure but he has it together. I guess about 6 months maybe 8 month ago he started this new habit he claps his hands very loud all the time and he also claps his hands on his legs and on his stomach pretty much non stop day and night. At first he said they bothered him but now if i ask him he says hes just clapping it's just constant even at the doctors he claps i guess im trying to figure out is tnis just a bad habit? it gets very stressful

Shared by: Kathy

I am 40 years old and I am helping my elderly father, who has a multitude of medical problems. From heart diesease, diabetes, to colitis, and bladder issues. My father takes 13 different medications, all prescribed to him. We go to a multitude of medical appointments, every month, and I still do many many other things, from laundry, to household cleaning, and so much more. I handle all of this pretty well with routine, patients, and love. The only thing I have trouble with is I do too much which allows him to semi take advantage of me. I can tell he is getting depressed but I don't know how to tell him he is getting worse because he won't get up out of his wheel chair and do things, I know he can still physically and mentally Handel and when he does do a little he always plays the sympathy card. Oh I hurt, oh I'm tired, oh woe is me. Help please! How do I make him realize he can do a lot more without it sound like I'm gi ving him orders. How can I inspire him.

Shared by: Deanna

I've been a caregiver for my dad for the last 4 years. I had no idea that I had gotten so depressed. Now I feel so stuck. How do I get out of this situation?

Shared by: Angie

I have been a caregiver for my husband since 2004 he had a Brain injury and a stroke within days of each, I have been caring for him since and he has done well, however I am beginning to fall to pieces!! He fights me every step of the way but I have stood fast to keep him healthy and alive, however I feel myself becoming weaker and ready to give up, He has moods of being arrogant and yet I give in to him, I am trying to move on and make our home livable. He basically lives on the couch and watches TV all Day and night and I bring him his meals, and take care of his needs such as cutting his hair, finger nails, bringing him his food ect., he loves his beer so I run that errand for him, it feels like he doesn't appreciate life that he was given and I am his slave to please him, If I could live my life I would divorce him and let someone else deal with him, but I promised the doctors that I would do everything to help him get on his feet... I did now when can I be free???

Shared by: Pamela

I care for my 86 yr old mother full time... she lives down the hall from me. bathe, cook, clean, launder who clothes, take her to appts, ... my siblings are alcoholic... there is no money around ...I offered, but the problem is, I have brutal RA, and my mother expects so much from me..I feel like I am going to die!! this is brutal... please advise. The no money part, is hard, cause I cannot even bring someone in to help.

Shared by: Tabatha

My mother is legally blind, has had multiple strokes and seizures she receives SSI but is not able to live alone anymore can I receive caregiver pay in Ohio to live with her and take care of her? She cannot feel or left side or go up or down stairs alone she cant keep her left shoe on and her cancer is back

Shared by: Stone

I'm now 40. I've cared for my mother (Bi-polar disorder) since I was 19. My sister is 10 years older, but has never been there to help, even when asked. I have been through a handful of relationships where my girlfirend, fiance, whatever at the time, has grown to hate my mom, and how demanding of my time she can be. They all see the pain/stress it causes me. But in the end, they all end up giving me the ultimatium, its me or your mom. I have always felt if they cant accept me, and my situations, including my mom, then we aren't meant to be together. But there seems to be a pattern. It's always the same thing. My mom demanding my time, and financial assistance at times. My sister, who I mentioned earlier, has recently been speaking to mom regularly, but never offers any assistance. She still calls mom to unload all her troubles, which only compounds my moms condition. Last night she was mad at our mom for embarrasing her to her friends by asking them for help during a phone call. I tried to explain that I have zero sympathy for her embarrassment, and that I've had to care for her for 20 years and my sister was never there. She rebutted with "you are a sad Norman Bates mommas boy" and that "I'm jealous" that she has been able to travel, and live well off life while I've chose to get by. I've always felt that you care for you parents, no matter what. It's what I seen growing up with my parents and grandparents. But this mindset has cost me relationship after relationship, as well as being bashed by my sister for caring enough. So I'm guessing this isn't the right section, but I'm looking for opinions/advice.

Am I wrong to do waht I can to care for my mother? She has no one else. If I don't I am sure she will be dead in a month, from trying to do something herself that she shouldn't or just eat all the pills she has and end it all. If I walk away and no longer help, or assist her financially when needed, I have zero doubt she will be gone soon. I'm sorry, I'm just so lost, and dont know what to do. even my current gf, who I live with, who has worked in nrusing homes for years, hates my mom and has given me the ultimatium. I dont know what to do anymore. Any help would be very much appreciated. Thanks

Shared by: Lori

I am a live in caregiver for my dad in a home we jointly own. My dads primary care taker has Adv Directive Status. The primary care taker enters my room uninvited down stairs where I reside without reason. I care for free my father from 6pm till 7.30 am. She also is paid under the table, so she works and selects her family members to work a majority of the hours thus not allowing me to make any extra if any money for hours I am not working for room and board. I feel this is not fair. My dads atty is his POA as well as his atty I thought this is unethical or a conflict of interest. Please if you have any suggestions I welcome them.

Shared by: Akossiwa
New York

I am single mom just give birth and I have my fiancé mom who is living with us but she is sick and I am taking care of her. Is there a way in new york that I can get assistance to help me pay for my bills?

Shared by: Judy

To Laura:
Yes the symptoms your mom is experiencing are related to her Congestive Heart Failure. I believe you may be asking about ejection fraction: Ejection fraction is a measurement of the percentage of blood leaving your heart each time it contracts or beats. During each heartbeat cycle, the heart contracts and relaxes. When your heart contracts, it ejects blood from the two pumping chambers (ventricles). When your heart relaxes, the ventricles refill with blood. No matter how forceful the contraction, it doesn't empty all of the blood out of a ventricle. The term "ejection fraction" refers to the percentage of blood that's pumped out of a filled ventricle with each heartbeat. The higher the number the better her heart function is I would suggest your mom follows up with her cardiologist closely- frequent follow up is necessary to prevent recurrent hospitalizations and remaining compliant to physician instructions is also necessary. Perhaps mom would benefit from home health visits as well as enrollment in a CHF clinic

Shared by: Laura

My 86 year old mother was just diagnosed with chf and has been very weak, not eating well and sleeping 24/7. Is this normal? Also, what does refraction rate refer to?

Shared by: Lesa

My mother is going into an assisted living facility and she has to apply for public aid to subsidize the cost. We will have to put her house up for sale. Can we sell her appliances and keep the money?

Shared by: Helen

My mother does not want to leave her apartment anymore. Is there something I can do to help her or convince her to go out with us. She is 91.

Shared by: Brittney
Orange Park, FL

I haven't been able to figure out how to get this for me and my 3 kids. I am a single mom with a child with a disability called Arthrogryposis! Am not able to go to work because my 2 year old boy needs me to help him 24/7. I really hope someone from here can give me some advice on how to start this process started?

Shared by: Dee
New Jersey

When I visit my home clients I make notes in my notebook that stays in the clients home. This way my work is documented and the family can Reference it anytime

Shared by: Linda
Phoenix, AZ

Hello, I am living with my grandma and she's in her 80's now, just this past Feb! :) Thank God, for her living this long. She is a Spanish speaking lady, I always did my best to talk to her. Its hard, but she understands english a little. She has been living alone and is very long gone on treatment. A few years ago they had diagnosed her but she had told the doctor and nurses they where all crazy not her and walked out!

What a day for the family, that day, after that no one wanted to deal with her. Family couldn't handle her mouth and her expressing her thoughts to her loving imaginary friend, so they let her stay in this house alone. I came to her from 5 yrs in an abusive relationship. He never let me see my family and I was always so close to her, I am 32yrs old and her first granddaughter. When I asked to move in (had to get out of my other house, very bad physical/verbal abuse) it was a little easy. I had my mother, who resides in Kansas, talk with her over the phone and of course she said OK (I was always her fave!! Shhh...) :) But I was a wreck, my emotions where all over the place, I tried not to show it, but still to this day (been only three weeks) I cry and she always ask, I say its hard to breakup , she reminds me of all the bad stuff he has done and I will meet another and helpful thoughts, so I know something is registering up there. Then she gets very angry about alot of little things and says them to her friend, That's what I call her, because sometimes she's laughing so hard and having a great time. I'm a little jealous! :)

I have been buying alot of fruit for her and easy to reach items in the fridge, she makes stuff with veggies when I leave and when I come back she's eating good. Funny, I went to store the first week and like a little child  or a teenager, she ate all the food lol! I didn't say anything, just thought how funny. She opened piña, berries and watermellon cut it up and just stored in bowl. When I was gone the next day, she listens to alot of music, her kind in Spanish, very loud I might add. Again, I don't say anything to her. She's happy for the most part. She does smoke, but I over heard her the other day in fact, that she doesn't want me to know she smokes so she hides them. I usually throw a few away and put them back so she doesn't smoke so much.

I am needing some kind of balance for her if she does not want the doctor to help, yes she is up all night, for example like rigth now it's 2am and she's going back and forth complaining about the neighbors that she does not like at all. Just the other night she took a brick and banged it on their wall telling, or demanding, them to quiet down. I told her "Nana, stop. Don't do that" in a stern but quiet voice. I wanted to yell and scream at her but I didn't. She looked at me and in Spanish she said to me, Welll okay. They're quiet now, so I told her to go inside. This is not first time something like this happened.

I have my dog with me, she loves her and loves to pet her and is always forgetting her name, but my dog is good with her. I always feel blessed to work with animals and knowing they help out alot to cope and have good communication with her and her friend. I know she is very scared about a CT Scan. Many people from the family telling her its OK but her friend always seems to change her mind.

If this is my calling right now, I want to go about this right and try not to make her mad at me, for the most part, we'r okay for now. I'm just waiting for that one day when all hell breaks loose. We do talk and laugh, then she laughs with her friend. I try not to make eye contact when she is in that mode. I sit and smile and listen, she looks at me and says nothing. I try to talk about other things it's just a little hard. She's an old school mexican lady, already set in her ways. She's been in this house forty years. My grandpa died in this house!! She always thought she had him next to her maybe.

If you can give me some kind of pointers, Spanish help at home with someone without her thinking bad about me, can you let me know.

Thanks so much for reading. I think she can hear me typing and can't sleep...

Shared by: William

Hire a caregiver through a reputable Home Care firm. A good firm conducts an extensive investigation into the background of each caregiver they hire and are licensed certified nurse assistants. They are also bonded.

Shared by: Pat
Georgetown, SC

I read an article about elderly dying in the UK due to nursing home staff leaving them in soiled cloths and over-medication. I witnessed all of the above plus they were being served sour milk, more times than the fingers on one hand, but it was here in SC. All I asked for was to keep 83 yr. old mother clean and moving. There were times she smelled like human feces, but that's what happens when family members turn their backs and walk away like my sister Gayle did.

Shared by: Sunshine

I don't even know where to begin on what I have been through the last 5yrs with my family on taking care of my father who I just lost 10 days ago.

I used to read and hear horror stories about caregivers who do all they can for a parent without any help from siblings until the end of his life was coming soon. I was extremely close with my father, almost too close, and would have to sit back and let them take advantage of his money and possessions and a life insurance policy that one brother who is extremely wealthy took out on him and told my father not to tell me cause he knew what I would do due to the fact that it is morbid to make money off your fathers life and promise him a lot of money to do it and never came through with the deal.

I respected my father's wishes to not start any fights with family members but yet he would complain about how he couldn't believe what they were doing to him. I have lost almost 80 pounds in the last year cause it got worse and of course my family would tell people, even their minister that I was on drugs so they could have an excuse to cover the things that they were doing but everybody knew how I was the only one to take care of him and it made me feel good and took a lot of stress off me.

I just lost my father whom I had lived with and now I have to make an appointment with my sister who is power of attorney to go in and get my belongings cause they changed the locks. But each one of them has a new key to go in, without me. I sit back and still try to understand why a close family who was raised by good parents would do this to a man who brought them into this world with a lot of love and made them be who they are, which should of been caring and loving!

I just want people to know that there is a program out there called a MEDICAID WAIVER which will help keep a family member home and you will be paid almost $10.00 an hour for 30 hours a week or if needed 40 if approved. There is also a program that is wonderful which I found out through area five agency, where if the parent isn't able to drive, twice a month, delivered right to their door a box containing fifteen frozen meals, which are wonderful, 4 or 5 frozen milks, all kinds of individually wrapped breads, and desserts, and its free through this program. I also obtained a 2014 and now a 2015 book from medicare, which really helped me find out a lot of programs that my father was eligible for that my sister didn't even check into. Visit for more information.

One thing that has helped me with death is I started reading the Bible, and at the age of 50 this is really new for me and helps me to believe in someone I should of a long time ago but during part of my life I always thought my Dad was God and nobody was gonna tell me different. I have also started journaling everyday about how I was feeling and sometimes telling a family member off in my writing, which believe it or not, I felt a lot of relief when I did that. I also went to the head of the hospital to complain that there needs to be caregiver meetings for people like me cause it is a very serious issue when you have to take care of someone you love so very much without any help from your brothers or sisters.

I highly pray for anyone out there who is going through or has been through what I have because you feel like you just lost your life!

Shared by: Kathybr /> Bronx, NY

Wonder if I can travel by plane with being diagnoised with Indiopathic Pulmary Fibrosis?

Shared by: Jody
Collingwood, Ontario, Canada

Where are we when my Mom whom is in the States living with my sister(POA has Altzheimer's and now has decided not to eat or walk....falls a sleep at a drop of a hat. My sister doesn't think it is time for my mom to go into a home.

We have round the care help..... Now my sister is going to have physio on my mom's legs to get her stronger....I don't think this will work, I think my mom is just tired of the whole thing. I also have no control or input as to what we should do my hands are tied......

Shared by: Sherrie

I am looking for something that will send off an alarm signal after setting my mom in a wheelchair when she tries to get back out of the wheelchair so I can keep track of her and she doesn't fall. If anyone can help me I'd appreciate it very much.

Shared by: Lilliane

I worked as a caregiver for a couple of years at an assisted living community. I built so many strong relationships with such sweet people I took care of. Unfortunately, I had to quit my job on short notice due to unfairness from my boss and long story short, once my residents knew I had left, they were very upset. It was truly heartbreaking for me to leave. And a lot of them could even see why I had gone, not because of them but because I was pushed to my limits mentally and physically by my supervisors.

When I picked up my last check, they told me I was not allowed on the premises :( which I understand, though not entirely.

Resident's rights state that a resident has the right to associate and communicate privately with any person of choice. Does this mean I am technically allowed to visit a resident?

Since I have gone, not a day goes by that I'm not thinking about the wonderful people I helped everyday. They're like family to me. I want to make any possible arrangement to be able to see them again. What can I do?

Shared by: Bonnie
Statesville, NC

Both my parents live with me, Dad is blind & lives with oxygen full time. Mom is diabetic & cannot hardly walk. I left my job 3 yrs. ago to take care of them, they cannot fend for themselves. They live on s.s. & I bring home $250.00 a week from working for my ex. at home. I am overwhelmed with bills, I lost all my savings, took a $250.00 cut in pay last july to try to hang on. I need to work, but cannot leave them alone and they refuse any outside sitters. I have lost my life, I am only 53 yrs. old, single and doing this alone, no help from siblings. I need any and all help I can get. Please if anyone out there can give me info I will be grateful.

Shared by: Kathy

I have a lot on my plate with my 91 year old dad. I work 5 1/2 hours a day at 2 different schools. I cannot retire yet. I have to go to at least 65. Almost 63. My husband is a teacher and gets home after 6:00. I have so much going on with my dad right now. I haven't hired a caregiver yet and I really don't want to. I've heard to many horror stores from close friends and family. Oh yeah you can interview them. They act like they are the best thing, then you find out they still from you and your dad or mom. I do need help and I know not all caregivers are like this but how do you know the good from the bad. Very difficult. I'm getting burned out with everything I have to do with my dad. I need some suggestions please.

Shared by: Ashley

Will TennCare pay me to be my aunts caregiver? She has had 13 electric shock treatments to her brain and I would love to help her more than I do but I have to work and she can't afford to pay me.

Shared by: Valarie
Charleston, SC

I am a caretaker to my sister who is 48 years old and is going through her 3rd battle of Cancer. This time in her liver. I am 12 years younger than her and we both lost our parents to Cancer over the span of the last 6 years. My sister has also lost her husband; it's not been a year ago. It has been rough.

I am trying my best to stay positive for her and make her laugh but some days it's just harder than others. Lately I just cannot get in a positive mindset. Just looking for words of wisdom I guess. Love to you all.

Shared by: Margaret

I was taking care of a friend that let me stay in his house kind of, he was a mean drunk, for 20 years that I know of. I was the main caregiver. Changing his soiled pants and cleaning vomit, food and everything you could think of to make the house respectable. I was promised the house and some money and the dog who is now 14. Well he passed and I got nothing but the dog and nowhere to live in two more months. His nephew is letting me stay for 2 months till I can find somewhere to live. What recourse do I have?

Shared by: Lynda
St. Paul, MN

I would like to join a running club for caregivers here in the Twin Cities area. A running club in St. Paul would be good. Is there one? Or could we start one?

Shared by: Glenn
Bountiful, UT

I take care of a 83 year old and I have COPD I'm on oxygen 24/7 the charity that was helping me with my oxygen is cutting me off and I have no funds to pay for my own oxygen. I don't work. I take care of elderly lady 24/7. I need oxygen when I go out but I don't have a portable oxygen machine so when they cut me off I dont know what to do. I have a condenser but thats all. I need help. Thank you.

Shared by: Carl
New York

My mother lives in a small town in Oregon, has late stage cancer and has basically alienated herself from all of her caregivers - family, friends, etc. She doesn't leave the house for 3 weeks at a time. Is on food stamps, assistance, etc., which at the end of the month leaves her with only $20-$30 not accounted for. Now the real issue. She will not accept care from anyone but can't pay her own bills, grocery shop, do laundry and she is living in squaller. How do we get her help that she will accept? Or do we simply let her die in the mess she designed for herself? BTW - she also needs a hip replacement... Looking forward to hearing how others have dealt with situations like this - especially from across the country.

Shared by: Shirley

My husband and I have just moved his mother in with us. She has Alzheimer's and is 87. She's also incognant. Finally got a catheter for her but she fixates on it and so it constantly ends up in the carpet. She's on a great medication that keeps her mind alert till about 7-9pm. She goes to sleep at that time. We're so lucky that I was a caregiver for four years and had a patient with this disease and I'm the one that noticed that she had major signs and had my husband change her doctor and sure enough she was tested and diagnosed 2 1/2 yrs ago. She was given 1 to 1 1/2 good years and then would have to have 24hr care. Well the day has come for that and besides her prescriptions she gets a B12 shot weekly.

I recommend this shot tremendously. Makes a huge difference in all our lives. She's constantly falling, but she's always been a lazy person and still is. God Bless all who are able to care for their loved ones. Just be aware that the government will not do anything financially for them. Just the bare minimum, and that's not even close enough to meet there needs... Save up for your own care, no one else will.

Shared by: Karenbr /> Salem, OR

For Rod:
Hospice should be in the area to help care for your wife they have groups for the kids to share their feelings. Friends feel helpless in situations like this and don't know what to do unless you ask. Have someone come and sit with her and go to the grocery store or something.

Shared by: Chris

To Rod:
I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through. Some ideas that may be able to help....., you could start a fund for family & friends that may want to help (so you can hire someone to help)... You could contact your local churches, they may be able to offer assistance or have resources... If you have an extra room/basement/loft area, you could offer someone a place to live for free in exchange for helping care & around the house, you could also offer it as storage space in exchange for help... Also you should check around the state & other websites, maybe you can get some free assistance for her (that she may qualify) for, I would start with a Google search and play around with the wording... I would probably start with the churches first. I hope this helps and I hope you see this message. Best to you and your family!!

Shared by: Elizabeth
Windham, ME

Hi All:
Our son is 22 years old and was diagnosed with leukemia in 2011. We cared for him most of the treatment and through the transplant in Boston. He was doing so well (cancer free) so he went back to Washington state to attend the UW. A few months later he contracted host vs graft disease in his lungs. We almost lost our son but by the grace of GOD he pulled through. He was on a ventilator for over two months. My husband flew out and for the last 8 months he has been back and forth. Mostly there! I flew to Seattle a few times and I tell you it is not pleasant to see your young son in a coma and on a ventilator. I maintained the house and a job. I lost my job in November 2014 and that has put a tremendous strain on us. My hubby is also suffering from 30 years of diabetes. However this has allowed him to be available for our son. I truly believe if it was not for my faith I would be crazy by now. My church and ladies bible study has been my saving grace. My marriage is strained because we recently realized my hubby is burned out! I have been reading all I can about caregiving so I can step in. My son has agreed to come home and I will be his caregiver. This upset my husband because I think he thought he could handle all this. We will encourage my husband to get the help he needs. Had I knew he was in burnout perhaps I could have stepped in sooner. I told him this will also allow you to take care of yourself. I am not sure how this is all going to work financially but I have faith that this is God's will for me. I feel as though I am rescuing two very important family members. But I knew this whole situation will improve if I press in and prepare myself spiritually. This is going to require more power than I have. And God showed up for me with His grace and mercy. And has given me a peace I never knew. So I am writing to say these are all situations that we had no control of and we will be blessed for caring for one of God's children. I am looking forward to my family being in one place and helping each other. And that I have learned by each of your posts to care for me first and watch for signs of burnout. Thank you all for sharing and I will be in touch. I will be praying for all of you.

Shared by: Bob

My mom has stage 7 Altzheimers and I am so sick and tired of the commercials they show on tv with the Altzheimer sufferes having a peacful smile on their face as they look at old pictures or interact with their caregivers. Lets see the real face of Altzheimers, lets see mom spit her pills out at you, then throw the water at you and then the glass. Lets see shots of mom walking out of the house in the middle of the night and having the police bring her back. Lets see shots of mom messing herself and then picking it up and throwing it in the trash can or show shots of mom moving her food around because she forgot how to eat or have shots of mom looking right at you and ask Where did Bobby go? These are the true pictures of life with an Altzheimers sufferer.

Shared by: Rita
Oradell, NJ

To Rod: Is your wife receiving Hospice care? They should be taking care of all of her needs. Everyone is eligible. Can be referred by your wife's physician. You can also apply for state food and housing program(I think CA has one) that support low income families with kids.

Shared by: Kate
Cleveland, TN

My husband has Parkinson's. He was diagnosed in December. He will not use a cane or walker and after our disastrous visit to Walmart (we took out 5 displays) how can I get him motivated to use the things? I don't want him to fall. I can't get him up.

Shared by: Rod

Please Help, My wife is going through her last stages of life after stage 4 breast cancer that spread has taken over. I have four kids and I can no longer care for her physically. My income is very limited and I wanted to know if anyone can help me with ideas on how to handle the situation. Thank you

Shared by: Don
Jacksonville, NC

I am an 83 yr. old caregiver. My wife has mid-stage Alz. She also had a colostomy in Sept. 2014. I must care for her ostomy needs and am having trouble. There are no ostomy nurses in our area? Some say they are but know less then I do. I am very frustrated. Is there any help?

Shared by: Alice

To Barbara in Lake Worth, FL:
I would get one of those window alarms and place it on the fridge door. I had to do this for my patio door as my husband would leave the door open. I also had to place a cotton ball and tape over the speaker part as it was very very loud. I showed him what would happen if the door was left open and it helped him close it. So maybe this alarm will be enough to warn her to stay out since the family doesn't want to lock it. They have a lot of options for little kids too to keep them safe.

Shared by: Barbara
Lake Worth, Florida

I share a live-in shift with two other caregivers and we take care of an 87-year-old woman who lives in her home and has Alzheimer's. She has a very high level of anxiety and does not like to be left alone for a minute. Another symptom of her anxiety is that she visits her refrigerator constantly looking for snacks to eat. We are very careful not to buy her any snacks like cake, cookies or ice cream but instead buy her healthy snacks. We deal with the issue of her getting two or three snacks consecutively but that is not the biggest problem that we have. We have caught her going into her freezer attempting to eat frozen meats and fish. We are very diligent about following her into the kitchen but on occasion have missed these incidents. We have discussed them with her family and we are trying to come up with a solution. The family does not want to put a lock on her freezer because they feel that she will become extremely combative and agitated. Can you give me any suggestions? Please help!

Shared by: Kathy
Baldwin Park

When we found out my husbands mother had cancer we found a caregiver to take care of her. When we moved her in her home she was doing good and two days later she passed. She took all the money for her and got money from the government for her. She keeps on calling for more money because she told my husband she can't sell her house now because of his mother. Be careful of who you hire later to find out she is not even licensed. I want to prosecute her I feel like she over medicated her because she was unresponsive from being over medicated.

Shared by: Elaine

Carol, Tennessee... (not sure anymore) Caregivers in or out of the home are YOUR LAST RESORT. I also have had and WILL continue to have aging, elderly and demented (for different reasons) elders who need on going care. It doesn't get easier... midriff, whatever, meh, huh, whatev....IF the person is caring, competent, etc., overlook the outfit/uniform, or lack thereof, Madame!!!

Shared by: Cindy
Lake Elsinore, CA

My husband and I are both 60 years old. He had a heart attack at age 54 and since then has had neuropathy due to poor circulation. He also has diabetes and kidney disease along with gout, arthritis. Up until the last few months he has been able to get around the house with a walker and we use a wheelchair while out. 3 weeks ago he ended up in the hospital with severe gout and influenza with a fever over 103 for 6 days. During that time he was unconscious. He spent one week in the hospital and 2 weeks in rehab. He came home 1 week ago and cannot walk at all. At first we tried a walker and he could get a few steps but now it's almost impossible. I work all day so he sits at the computer until I get home. I've already had to call the paramedics to get him out of the chair and into the bed. He spent today totally in the bed. He's in a diaper which doesn't get changed until I get home. We have an HMO insurance and they don' t cover caregivers and we don't have the money for one. What did you all do? How did you get help? I'm so frantic and don't know what to do. He doesn't want to be taken out of the house but I can't leave him here alone all day....HELP

Shared by: Kathy

I have taken care of family and others in nursing homes, I also always had a dog beside me. My dad got sick so my dog and I took care of him now passed and its just my dog and my self its time for me to take care of us but my dogs knees are out and hard for her to jump so I have to pick her up. I need back surgery and not supposed to pick anything up she needs a small ladder to get into the bed. I am on welfare and can't afford it other wise I would get her one but right now things are very hard so I thought you might know of someone who doesn't need it and more and maybe we could have it. Thank you

Shared by: Kathy
North Carolina

I have been sole caregiver of my Alzheimer's husband. Jan 7th I HAD a HEART ATTACK. Now, I am getting care and better but still have to see about him. Caregivers "Take care of yourself". At least he can do most things for himself but still... was a wake-up call to everyone.

Shared by: Candy
Sunset Beach, NC

Over the past 4+ years I have been taking care of both of my aging parents. My mother had Parkinsons/Alzeheimers/Stokes but passed away at 85 years old 2 years ago. My father is still alive but has had 3 strokes, diabetes and seizures and now lives in an assisted living facility. Out of pure frustration, guilt and stress, I decided to reach out into my community to see if there were others dealing with the caregiving of a elderly parent. I thought maybe through a support group, we could help each other. I was absolutely shocked that more than 15 people in my own community were struggling with very similar issues. So I decided to start "Who Cares…Do You??" I have no idea what I am doing...uncharted territory. I thought maybe there were others that may have started their own support groups or were willing to share information.

Shared by: Carolee
Omaha, Nebraska

Am I crazy to expect caregivers to wear appropriate clothing when they come to our home? If they want to wear low rise jeans, can't they wear a belt? Could they not show their midriff? I don't want to see extremely tight clothing, either, or short shorts, or cleavage? Am I in the wrong here?

Shared by: Sharon
Kansas City, MO

Two questions: My Mom is 93 and also wakes several times in the night to go pee. She doesn't have this issue during the day. In fact, she goes less than I do! Any suggestions on what I can do to help lessen the number of trips? and 2nd, hearing and UNDERSTANDING. Her hearing is diminished, but with the TV loud, she isn't understanding the words. Of course, she doesn't want to go for a hearing aid. I may have to take her anyway so we can TRY it. I've bought headphones but she resisted those, too. Thank you!

Shared by: C.K.

I found this website this morning, and I'm glad I did. I am a young woman in her early 40's taking care of my elderly mom. She had a stroke in 2013 that left her unable to walk, and one of her hands contracted. She also has dementia. The only support I is from my kids and husband. I have siblings, but they do not physically help me. They think that sending money is all that they need to do. I find myself getting angry at my siblings and bitter. I also find myself crying more. I wonder why I was chosen to fill these big shoes. I feel like I never get a break, and when I do I find myself going to places like the casino to gamble because its an escape for me. Sometimes I want to get in my car and drive away and never come back. I feel guilty about being angry.

Shared by: Sharon
Springtown, TX

Back in 2012 my husband had to have both of his legs amputated above the knees due to blood clots. He tore up his left knee in boot camp back in 1974, and was given an honorable discharge. He was a Marine, he has been going back and forth to the VA since 1979 and the VA Dr he saw in 2012 asked my husband why he was not getting his benefits and my husband told him it was the VA, so that Dr helped my husband to get 10%. The Dr said my husband was not a candidate for prosthetics. Then approximately 7 months ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 carsinoma cancer and it has already metastasised and he has 7 tumors.We are going to Houston, TX. approximately every 3 weeks for chemo, and that is killing us for the fuel, because we live about 4 hours from Houston. I have had to pretty much quit working. We are trying to live on his disability check. I need to refinance my home and get payments lowered or get some help with the the mortgage payments. With my credit score not very good I need help with the mortgage.

Shared by: Susan

Well... I tapped into the Blog by simply asking a question: "How do I deal with my 85 year old father with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's"? I am a controlling individual and want to always FIX the problem no matter what it is.... This one I cannot fix! My Dad (85) to a spill and laid in the same spot for over 24 hours with no water no food no meds - He ws close to death. Tough pill to swallow. Ti'll now he lived and was basically able to take care of himself... With help from my wife - We would administer his daily drug's and food and he was to do his hygeine and maintain independance at his apartment. We talked every night at 7, if Jeapordy had started I had not called he would blow up my phone.

After his incident, he has become agressive and angry to me and the staff that is trying to help him, This comes a very dosel and one of the most well liked men to walk the planet! Trying to take advantage of the Social Workers and the Internet I have been trying to educate myself on how to handle today and what is coming. I have a wife and two young boy's that I love - But I feel myself withdrawing and desensitizing with and my business. While I realize it is not fair to them and I need to man up! I am just having a real shitty time of it....The road ahead is gonna be strange and I need a way to evolve from the dark place I am in. For all the right reasons. Just wanted share my storey.

Shared by: Susan

My mom is 82, my dad died about 11 years ago and left her nothing. She gets $1,100 a month. I help when I can but that cuts me short for the month. She needs help paying bills. She lives in her own home, which is paid for...I do not have room in my home for her. Any advise to help with paying her bills so they wont keep turning utilities off? She is not able to drive and dosen't get around well.

Shared by: Debbie

My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colo-rectal cancer 2 years ago. He was only 45 at the time of his diagnosis. What I have learned over the past two years is that sometimes taking things day by day is too much to handle. More often than not it is a minute by minute for us. He is fighting a courageous fight through the grace of God.

As caregivers we have to give ourselves a break. Each situation is different and we have to do what works to help us cope whether we are doing it day by day or minute by minute.

Another thing I have learned is to let the small things go. Things he does, things others do, and just day to day hassles are really not that important in the overall picture. Let anger and resentment go. Treasure each moment you have. Most importantly, remember God does not promise us that we will not get sick or have to care for a sick loved one, but He does promise we will not have to walk this walk alone.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

Shared by: Marge

I am the sole caregiver for my best friend. She has multiple medical problems. I am overwhelmed at times yet I have Jesus and prayer. I am using total "no judgement" and thankfulness. One day at a time. I am extremely patient and listen. I consider each day a learning experience and find something beautiful in each day. Simple things, like a smile, a sunrise, a flower, companionship. I know I am blessed to be able to share my gifts by helping her each day.

Shared by: Kim

Question: how can I help eliminate frequent nightime bathroom visits for 94 year old woman?

Shared by: Char
North Carolina

Dear Elaine, I just read your post and my heart goes out to you as I am in a similar situation. My husband had an acc. in 08 which left him paralyzed from the waist down as well as TBI. I too have no family and he won't let his family help. (As of a year ago, I don't even have a dog - lol) I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I will say with 100 percent certainty, that if it weren't for God, I would be crazy. That's not to say there aren't times of anger and loneliness and tears. BUT, God gives me a reason to go on everyday.

I know this must feel like a loss of a loved one already and I am sorry you are going through this. It is not a cliché when I say "God can be your source for strength and peace". You just have to ask Him to help you. I know you have seen a lot in your career, but it is always different when it's YOU in the situation. You MUST take the time when he's asleep for yourself.

Make a list during the day of little things you want to do when he goes to sleep so you won't forget. Put crying at the bottom though, it will only make you feel worse if you do it enough. Even if it's just to lie on the couch with the dog or look up some jokes on the internet. It doesn't have to be big, just anything that makes YOU smile. And if you have a Bible, look in the concordance for scriptures on peace and strength. If you can look it up, get the song by Mandisa called Overcomer. I promise it will lift your spirits.

In the meantime, I will be praying for you and everyone on here. We are kindred spirits, we are brave and we are called for what we are doing! God bless!

Shared by: Linda

Dear Elaine and Robin:
I just found out about this webite today. My heart goes out to you both especially cause your loved ones conditions are similar to my husband's, whom is a severe traumatic brain injury (TBI) survivor.

He was such a caring and loving husband and father before the accident, his brain was injured severely and, long story short, now he is no longer his old self. At the age of 47, he has the symtomps of dimentia and apathy (no motivation to do anything, due to the brain injury). He needs 24-hour care for he can't roll his body nor is he willing to learn to do so. His theraphy, 2 hours daily, is mostly passively done by the therapists.

Doctors said this is a long term condition and don't have much hope he could regain his balance, let alone walk. But like yourself Elaine, our faith in Christ has played a strong role in getting through this storm of life. He got injured from leading a mission trip into the depth of central borneo in 2012 August. So you could imagine the multifolds of problems and questions that we've faced since then.

I am sharing this not as an expert, but because I am a fellow learner, on how to be better caregiver to my husband.

1. I stopped entertaining the "why"s in my mind, for I know it's not gonna help me at all and put me in a depressed mode. In order to be effective for my husband and 2 sons, 9 and 11 y.o., I need to prevent depression at all costs....who's gonna help them if I fall?

2. I focus on things that are given right in front of me now. I used to be "sanguine/choleric" person, doubled with perfectionism. That combination is NOT helping me. I have to remind myself to take things one day at a time. Don't worry about has it's own problems...enough for today...tomorrow has new sets of problems.

I used to read those verses but not practise them...I DO now. To put it into practical terms in my case:

I chose to go back to work, not just for financial reasons, but to keep my sanity. Taking my focus of my husband's condition actually helps me to be better caregiver, it's the quality that matters for us, not the amount of hours. i can't handle it more than 3 hours per day, or i will snap at him and my kids. So i hire helps....though financially it's silly cos my salary just enough to cover the helps for my husband, but it works to keep my sanity.

3. I stop thinking too far ahead. Like I said, I do my best with what's in front of me now. I don't think about what it's gonna be like in 3 or 5 years time....for TBI things are NOT NORMAL....I have to learn to adapt to the NEW NORMAL.

4. I surround myself with positive Godly people. Though they are hard to find, they are there....I learned to ASK for help, practice to humble myself to ask for help for it's true, often times they don't know how to help unless we let them know. There are many caring and true friends that we made AFTER the injury. So please don't get discouraged by few bad ones and generalized everyone.

5. Draw myself closer to God. I find prayer and talking to Him is the best way to unload all of my severe problems. He tought me to forgive and live a surrendered life. It is short word, but verrrryyy hard to do (at least for me, that's how i feel).

Well, I hope all these will help. I know I may not make a lot of sense for my brain also got discounted on its ability to think and respond after my husband's TBI....funny isn't it? It goes around like the flu.....(humor and a lot of laughter is a good way to relax too) is also therepeutic for me and everyone in my house could benefit from that therapy :)

Have a blessed day everyone, and keep pressing on...This too shall pass!

Shared by: Drew

Hi all...
I am getting my MBA and so I have taken some time off work to do so. My grandfather and grandmother are 96 and 91 respectively and have had full-time help now for over a year and a half in their home. I have been helping them by managing these caregivers as the agency is God awful and we’re actually close to removing the agency from the house.

My grandmother and I have always been close but she sees me as taking over and trying to run her household. My grandfather understands I’m just trying to help. I am not hurt or taking it personally but she has a caregiver that is there for the majority of the week and he is a toxic, troublemaker who has added to her stress and has been trying to drive a wedge between her and me and between her and my grandfather.

I am not proud of this but I have secretly recorded a few conversations they’ve had and he is an instigator and it horrifies me to hear the lies and deceitful things he says to a vulnerable, over-trusting, sweet, kind and wonderful woman. He is also asking her for money and well, the list goes on and on.

He needs to go but for me to step in and fire him would cause a nasty scene. I can deal with her being mad at me because it is for the best but I do not want his leaving to cause her mental anguish strong enough to affect her physically. Any thoughts on what I can do? I don’t know where to turn and this needs to be taken care of ASAP. Thanks!

Shared by: Mehgan
New Jersey

My husband, 40 was just diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. Stage 3. He goes this coming Monday for his 1st consultation to go over treatment options. Currently he has been unable to work because of the pain he is in. It's how we found out he had HL to begin with. I resigned from my job back in March to care full time for my mother who has parkinsons, dementia, bipolar, and a myriad of other health problems. I am her POA so we have been living with her while my husband worked when he could find it. Now he is facing 6 months of chemo treatment. I'm already looking for work and he will stay home and care for my mother while I work. We also have a 6 yr old daughter. I just hope and pray that we will make it through all this. Does anyone have any experience with hodgkins and what the treatment is like? Just looking for anyone who can relate. Thank you.

Shared by: Elaine

As an RN for over 40 years, I have held many patient/family conferences about dementia. Now I find myself on the other side of the table. My husband of many many years is leaving me mentally. He knows names, family names, where he is, and can carry out the basic needs. I can no longer let him drive (he gets lost or forgets where he was going) He has started carrying on conversations with himself, and acts like a child in stores and other public places. I do everything, food, shopping, all the driving, medical needs, appointments and other. I listen quietly to his babbling incoherently, and I watch him with his erratic movements. When he finally winds down and takes a nap, I have a chance to cry. There is no family to help, he refuses to let anyone come into the house to clean or just provide companionship. He does have very lucid days, and says I am trying to have him put away. I love him so deeply, but I am at wits end. I have no one to talk to but the dog, and I don't know how much more I can stand. Any ideas would be appreciated. Love to all.

Shared by: Gayle
Riverside, CA

Happy New Years Everyone! May 2015 be calmer and more laughter for all of us.

Shared by: Robin
San Leon, TX

Hi... I am a 58 year old mother of a 23 year old who was in an accident a year ago. He hit his head and has Diffuse Axonal Brain Damage. He can't talk, walk, eat, go to the bathroom and I now totally care for him and have been for the last two months. He smiles and blinks his eyes for yes and no. He's 6'2 and must be lifted with a hoyar lift from bed to wheel chair. I really need to talk to someone who is going through the same thing. I cry all the time and miss him. His brain is totally there but just can't move. He's now just starting to do some things. We are strong Christians and have faith he will fully recover. Is there anyone out there that can just talk to me about there situations. Thank you for your time and God Bless all these people with different disabilities and their caregivers.

Shared by: Judy
Kissimmee, FL

To Rebecca:
While your comments are indeed correct, that is easier said than done. I (an RN) was recently terminated from my job due to FT caring for my 85 yr old mother. As a single only child there is no one to help- mom is on a fixed income and I have no income so not everyone is blessed with help or access to programs.

Shared by: Barbara
Vancouver Island

I am a very independent pensioneer with Lupus, Parkinson's and compression fractures causing painful kyphosis and scoliosis. I have lost my driver's licence so cannot get out to engage in activities like I used to. My problem is I cannot afford to.

Shared by: Rebecca

No matter what kind of caregiver you are or why you are a caregiver, it is always important to remember that in order to meet the needs of the person you a re caring for, you have to take care of yourself first. Find a person or program that you can rely on to give yourself a break, help clean house, provide transportation, shop or what ever you need most. Eat right, sleep enough and get plenty of exercise so that you can be the best you and provide the best care for your loved one. Schedule your alone time, and the GO, don't feel guilty. Its the best thing you an do for both you and the person you care for. Go to church, get your nails done, sit on a bench. It doesn't matter, just take a chunk of time to regroup. When you return home, you will both be better off! Believe me, it makes all the difference in the world.

Shared by: Susan

My daughter was born with spina bifida. She is now 35 years of age and last year was also diagnosed with MS. Having both conditions is extremely rare and we are trying to combat both. She used to walk with braces/crutches but can't any more due to imbalance. She constantly has pain in different areas of her body - headaches, right side pain/numbness, doesn't sleep well, just struggles over all. Can't seem to find the right pain med since both conditions are nerve-related. I struggle to help her. Even the doctors are baffled as this is so rare.

I may be forced to quit my job to be available for her at home, but I carry the insurance for my husband and I. I am 62 so cannot apply for medicare. Is there something out there to help someone like me with insurance? She receives SSI but I'm more concerned about insurance. Is there an answer?

Shared by: Serina
Kansas City

Is it posible to be a caretaker for your husband and still get paid for doing so. I see a lot of family members on here and, see that they are caretakers for them but do these caretakers get paid for the work they do or do they just do so because what if your full time job is taking care of someone then what do u still get paid for doing so. If I was to marry the person I take care of would I still get paid for doing so?

Shared by: Nadine

To Kate in Cleveland:
It sounds like you need to contact your local Hospice. They have programs that can help, even if you don't meet the 6 month criteria. My husband had been part of their transitions program for a while until our phone connection went bad and neither party could hear the other. A volunteer with similar interests to my husband was calling him monthly just to talk - helped my husband. They can call more frequently. I've been trying to get my husband back into that program but he is balking. Hospice could possibly help with respite.

Shared by: Sally
Ridge, NY

I'm living with mom 82 dementia can't hear, remember anything expects me to remember: everything hates to be alone... I'm 52 and need my life back. Anyone in the area I can meet or talk to? Thanks all

Shared by: Sharon

My husband has mesothelioma. I am now full time caregiver and I am very tired and emotional. I pray for him to be able to conquer this.

Shared by: David Hopkins
Costa Rica

Brother & Sister Caregivers. My late wife Joyce had ALS and I was her sole caregiver. A MONSTER for sure. I know the struggles that are in front of you. Love and cherish the time you have together and for the time needed put yourself 2nd. The rewards are great and the growth received, fulfilling. Now buckle down, get your head straight and get it done whatever you need to do. DO IT! Peace

Shared by: Lori

I have been trying to find a new job but I take care of my Mom with Parkinson on Saturday evening when she wants to see the family and play cards. I always see if there is any housekeeping is needed and I sit next to her and help shuffle, deal the cards, and serve food. At the last job interview they asked about me working Saturdays. I told them I can work mornings until 4 pm because I take care of my Mom in the evening. They looked at me like I was lying to get Saturdays off to go party.

Shared by: Sally
Wichita, KS

Having just read some of the other caregivers letters, let me suggest this. I have cared for my mother for 19 years. She is now 91. Having taken another fall on Oct.30th, she has ascended into rapid onset dementia. I just found out that dementia is not a progression but a stepping down process. They may drop one step or even several after a fall. Because of her age, her reserve to come back is less as she gets older. I never knew this and wanted to share this out there. I keep all caregivers in my prayers. As this goes forward it gets harder to take care of her and myself.

Shared by: Sad in Idaho

In response to Patti, Joy, and Sharon and anyone else with similar concerns:
My husband was diagnosed with advanced progressive MS in 2010, after an almost fatal heart attack in 2009. He also has a law degree and was very intelligent. He was only 51 when diagnosed and now his memory intelligence and cognition are greatly reduced. He hasn't worked in 5 years, reads or listens to the radio all day, and his moods have caused him to push everyone away. He is ot the man I married anymore and with his cognitive level being at between age 6 -12 yrs old, our romance has gradually faded to the point of non-existent. I am still young and work full-time in a professional level career. I have grieved the loss of my husband being no longer who I married, and who I need. I am his caretaker and still love him. He is a part of our family and will not put him in a nursing home. However, as I will continue to love and care for him, I am also young and deciding to live my life too . I am not sure what this means, but I still want and need love, and don't plan to wait for him to die, in order to live my life. I don't want to feel trapped in a situation, that was not what I chose. He I have and continue to do everything to make his life easier and less painful, but I have to live my life too. We have a daughter away in college and a son in high school who have been a big part of the care taking picture also.

Shared by: Irina

Dear Deanna from Baltimore:
Thank you for you prompt answer. I am trying to goggle using keywords you kindly provided me with. However, try as I might I was unable to find anything. This is perhaps because of my ESL....I desperately need it and even wrote to the Caregiver Editor. My poor mom does not sleep at all.

Shared by: Mickey
Los Angeles, CA

I just wanted to share a little of my story. In October 2003 I got a phone call saying that my father needed some assistance so I decided I would have my father move in with me. It had been 51 years that I had not seen him. While I was growing up we had some conversations over the phone, but when I got the call I decided that I would be willing to live with him and have done so the last 11 years. So now he's 90 years old and has some problems like Dementia and Pneumonia. He also has Arthritis and COPD and he's ill now and it's very hard for me but I love him and I'm going to do everything that I can make him comfortable. I need to be at peace with myself. I've tried my best to be there for him. Well that's my story and I just wanted to talk about it. Thanks.

Shared by: Katrina
Anderson, SC

HELP! My mother passed away recently, and my sister who has mental disabilities is driving me insane! I had no idea she couldn't even care for herself. She has no sense of organization about her at all. She draws $977 per month in disability, but has $960 of expenses going out, not including food.

My mother was obviously supplementing her with paying for her medicines and food. Now she's running out of her meds, calling me all throughout the days, asking me each night to go get her stuff, because she is blind in one eye, and glaucoma in the other. I work a 24/7 LIFE....I don't have time for this, my stress levels are through the roof. I'm very ORGANIZED. She's the TOTAL opposite from me. I'm not skilled to handle this? What do I do, where do I turn. I can't afford to take on an adoption of a child at my age of 55; she is 50!!! I had NO idea she was this bad. What are the steps to get her help, any organizations to help out here in SC?

Shared by: Deanna

Irina, you need to look at an alarm device for the deaf. These alarms use vibrations or flashing lights, not sound as the alert mechanism. If you live near a school for the deaf, or another deaf agency, they can often help you.

Shared by: Maxine
Bellingham, WA

I want to start a Caregiver for Caregiver support group in the Bellingham, WA area. Looking for advice on how to get started. Thanks

Shared by: Irina Ros

My 88 years old mother does not hear my demented 91 years old fathers fall-risk bed alarm. She doesn't hear even with her hearing device. All of the bed alarms I've ever tried are not loud enough for her. Could somebody address me to the loudest ones as we desperately need it!

Shared by: Ruth

Please someone help me on a brother who hasn't seen our father for 3yrs and lives in the same town and is a very wealthy man took a million dollar life insurance policy out on my dad; cause my dad is terminally I'll with cancer and I gave up pretty much my life to take care of him; which I will never regret but my father told me in privacy cause my brother offered him 60000 if he would do it upfront and my dad hasn't seen anything. I don't care about the money; I need to know if my greedy-ass brother did this. Please help!

Shared by: Maria

I started taking care of my mother in Feb. She says no to everything. In the last 2 days she refuses to eat she doesn't know me. She thinks her daughter(me) doesn't know where she lives. I'm with her 24/7. If I do get out for 30 mins or so I feel so guilty. Hope everyone on here can get what they need for there loved ones. I never imagined it would be this hard. I pray a lot. Thank God for the time we have left. Thank you all for reading this. Prayers please... but now I need a care giver for her

Shared by: Olivia
Los Angeles, CA

Should I pay for my own plane ticket if I am going to Mississippi for Thanksgiving with my patient and family?

Shared by: Kate
Cleveland, TN

This is new to me. His dementia is still starting up. I can't let him drive anymore, and he is sometimes aware there is something wrong. I feel overwhelmed and don't know what comes next. I am getting POA for medical and durable. What else should I do? When is it time for respite care? I found out he gets lost outside of home when he was still driving. Where can I go for a break? What kind of support is out there? How do I do this?

Shared by: Dee

Mom was dx last week with small call lung cancer She sees oncologist this week. I feel so lost. I have a planned vacation to Disney World 4 Days after oncologist appointment. I am so Torn on going. I don't have any desire to go but My 7 year does. Please give me your opinion

Shared by: Pat
Maryville, TN

I started taking care of my mother in Feb. She says no to everything. In the last 2 days she refuses to eat she doesn't know me. She thinks her daughter(me) doesn't know where she lives. I'm with her 24/7. If I do get out for 30 mins or so I feel so guilty. Hope everyone on here can get what they need for there loved ones. I never imagined it would be this hard. I pray a lot. Thank God for the time we have left. Thank you all for reading this. Prayers please...

Shared by: Judy
Kissimmee, FL

To Callie:
I am also single, caring for my mom as well as being an RN. Mom has been hospitalized 6x in the last 7 weeks. No help from anyone. Rehab was out of the question as I was concerned about her recent cardiac ablation so no choice but to come home. No prep time was given to me just you must be discharged today - so no food in the house etc. Cannot leave mom unattended etc. I will do what I can but never imagined life like this - I have lost my job due to all of this. Be thankful you have help you are blessed.

Shared by: Peg
Vicksburg, MS

Thank you for your help in making caregiving easier.

Shared by: Jane

I have now given my husband the charge of ordering his prescription. His confusion has gotten better and now he at any time says to me you need to order this, or that or both.

I am making a list in large print of his medicine and pharmacy prescription #'s so he may order them himself. He is able. He loves sitting all day watching TV and I have said we need to get out. At least twice a week. He needs out. He has a good friend he likes to go with on a day when they can both go. He is able to do it and I need to step back.

Shared by: KR Baltimore
New Haven, CT

Am looking for a nursing service that is willing to come in several times a day for injections, renal issues, etc. all I have been able to find are services that provide for all day nursing care, which would mean that they would be sitting around for hours at a time. Would appreciate any suggestions.

Shared by: Charles

My 92 year old mother is in assisted living, but I still have to do her finances, shopping for odds and ends, make sure the important mail is taken care of...and make sure she is being properly cared for. I have three sisters, one nearby who has her own issues, one in Vermont and my oldest sister who does help with checking in with Mom, doing laundry and such (Mom is in Rhode Island and about an hour away from me.) This sister is now returning south after she told me that she wouldn't be. Now what she does is back on my plate. I am hurt, angry and depressed that 99% of my mother's care is back on me. I guess it is what it is...but I can't help having these feelings and feel somewhat guilty about it.

Shared by: Alice
New Haven

Always allow the recipient of care to do as much as he can by himself. This encourages his confidence and independence.

Shared by: Callie

I am a single, only child caring for my two parents. Many have asked me what they can do to help. The people who have helped me the most are those who have acknowledged that this situation can't be fixed. They acknowledge my pain. They don't try to offer me a silver lining. They simply love me.

Shared by: Lewis

19 days ago my father passed away, he was my Dad and best friend I had cared for him for 15 years, he went from a massive heart attack. I am still caring for my mother who is 91 and still doing well enough. I have coped very well, he prepared me for what I had to do when the time came; what to do to settle matters.

It has been an interesting time changing all of the legal crap over to the other person. Stand your ground, be armed with information, and be polite and assertive until matters are done correctly. However, above all this, give yourself time to take in what has happened, surround yourself with friends and family, do things that make you happy, cherish the memories.
"Those who you love unconditionally never die"

Shared by: Sue
New Jersey

I keep all my husband's medical history on a flash drive attached to a key chain. Family and friends all know that this exists and where it is. A copy of medical info is also taped on the wall near the counter where his meds are kept.

Shared by: Donna
Salem, Oregon

To Rita:
I wish I could help you more; take away the pain and the disease from your Dad and your heartaches! I wish you and your Mom & Dad every blessing possible!Here are some links to various National Parkinson's Programs:

American Parkinson Disease Association (APDA) - Georgia Chapter

National Parkinson's Foundation - PD Caregiving 101
Toll-free Helpline: 1-800-4PD-INFO(473-4636)

Shared by: Robbie
Roswell, NM

How does a POA go about paying herself for caregiving in New Mexico? I dont want anyone coming back on me later. I have a script for home care...

Shared by: Rita MacDonald
Cumming, GA

My mom lives in Windermere, Cumming, GA., she is the caregiver of my dad, who is 84 with Parkinsons. We are looking for a support group or a person, in the area, who would talk to her about elderly care and give her some support.

Shared by: Gina
Cary, NC

To Linda in FL:
Your client has probably lost control over most things in her life. She may be telling you what to do in order to feel she still has some control. Try thanking her each time she tells you something she already knows. You may be surprised how much she appreciates it.

Shared by: SDS

I need help in understanding my 82 year old mother. She is in a nursing home, the third one, and complains constantly about everything. She claims the staff is mistreating her, punishing her etc. I have spoken with them and do not believe what mother is saying and because I don't believe her, I feel guilty.

Shared by: Linda
Ormond Beach, FL

To Candice in florida:
Pray for your sister's heart to be healed and release her to GOD! Don't worry about it any longer. Just make sure you're doing your best for your mom!

 To Shannon in Texas:
Your dad can no longer make wise decisions so thats why GOD gave him you! Make small but yet wise decisions for your parents.

To Bob in Barnsville:
Look for some support groups in your area that deal with dementia. Start with 

Shared by: Linda
Ormond Beach, FL

I need help in dealing with a lady I take care of; for 3 years now daily she tells me what to do and how to do it. it is driving me crazy; I could take care of her while sleeping I know her ins and outs; what she likes and doesn't like I feel like she is doing this on purpose or does she have dementia?

Shared by: Candice
Peoria, AZ

My mother was diagnosed with mild dementia in 2011. At that time my younger sister informed her she would no longer be able to live at her home in northern Arizona. She took her car to her home in San Tan Valley, on the east side of town. She is the POA primary with my other sister who lives in Texas as secondary. Well she lived with me for a year and a half at which time the POA decided to assist me for grocery's. I am disabled and can barely keep my head above water with my house hold expenses with the SS disability money I get. Well from that point on I have been labeled as greedy and motivated by greed. Also I'm labeled as a liar. But to get back on track. I had mom on a very good schedule. She was responsible to make her breakfast (instant oatmeal) and take her blood pressure and take her meds. Which I would make sure was layed out for her. She did very well. Then one day I was told she was going to visit her sister in law in Texas. So we got her all ready to go and after she left I was told she was not coming back.

My sister the POA was good at jerking mom from house to house if she didnt like you. This sister has also done a lot of undermining. Such as has had mom change her will to make her sole beneficiary of her estate. There are 4 of us girls and mom wants every thing divided equal. But this sister intimidates her so that she is afraid of her and what her reaction would be if she disagreed with her. Well in May mom got real sick and in 3 days went from a UTI to full blown white out pneumonia and had to be put on life support. Well with the sedation's she has declined with her dementia. She has 3 great grand-babies that she enjoys so much. She loves being with me or my youngest sister. Her and I have been her primary caregivers. The POA sister has made it very clear that she has a "JOB" and cant take care of her. She says shes doing her part by doing her finances. Well now that mom is recovering from this past illness, this sister is filing for sole guardianship of her.

She will take her to the east side of town and mom will no longer be able to see her babies or attend our family gatherings. It has been said that she will be putting her in a home over there. My younger sister and I are at our wits end on what to do to protect her from this other sister. I need some feedback please.

Shared by: Richard
Madison, WI

Family caregivers for a family member can burn out and the stress can lead to depression. Seek Respite Care to give you a few hours or a day to recharge and allow you to continue caregiving with a better attitude.

Shared by: Shannon

I am very concerned about my dad who is a caregiver to my mom who has stage 5 dementia. My parents have been married for almost 50 years and have been together for everything. My dad does not want and cannot put my mom into a nursing home because he can care for her but he is getting tired of being alone and has no one to talk to. He refuses to get in home help as he does not trust anyone other than his kids. My older sister is about 5 miles from him (in Ohio) but has a family and two teenage children that she needs to be there for and does not feel that she can take time to help my dad. I have a younger brother but he lives in Florida and has a full time job and I live in Texas and have a full time job and a 5 month old.

I don't know what to do as I talk with my dad everyday and he is getting more and more depressed and I see him fading away and getting angrier and angrier with life. I need help!

Shared by: Bob
Barnesville, GA

I have been taking care of my 91 year old mom who has stage 6 Altzheimers. I am doing ok except when it comes time when she begs me to "Take her home". Or "I dont live here". I have tried everything from driviing around the block, calmly explaining that we should stay here. But latley nothing seems to work and she get really uspest. I need some suggestions on how to handle this.

Shared by: Julie
Howard Beach, NY

I have SEVERE neuropathic pain caused by Complex Regional Pain Sydrome x24/7. It burns my skin & thus can't do 1 lousy thing without excruciating pain, I don't have much. no one to help me. I can barely walk, get groceries & NO cleaning! How can I get some help? Doing laundry is quite difficult as well. If you could help me in any way, I would greatly appreciate it!

Shared by: Tere
Bend, OR

To all of you who are currently trying to care for a family member on your own.."Get help". If not for the family member then for yourself. Stop letting any guilt into the equation. ALL of us, at one time or another, are going to need to lean on someone for care. I have had to take care of my son for the past 15 years due to a mental illness. He is my joy and laughter. But I did not do it alone. I contacted every agency I could find. I share my story with anyone who will listen. My mother has been declining in health for the past two years and it has been a nightmare to deal with. The paperwork, the doctors, the agencies, the medications, (the car keys), the hospitals, the caregivers, and finally finding the right placement. I did it and so can you.

There is a person out there who has the answer, and possibly the solution to your problem. You need to keep looking and trying. (And talking, you never know who might be listening) I have peace in my life again and I didn't think I would ever say that. Life is good. My mother is safe and well cared for, my son lives next door and is one of my best friends. Don't give up and don't give in. You deserve a life of your own, find the way to finding the people in this world who choose to take care of others. They are your heroes and they are out there. To all the "great" caregivers of this world "Thank you for all you do!" I know you have given me the chance to live my life with no regrets or guilt..and that is not easy to do! God Bless all of you who are caring for someone you love (or maybe not) because it doesn't get easier, but it can get better...with help!

Shared by: Renita
Richmond, VA

Weather may play a part sun up sun down its just like child baby u have to keep them peaceful show love show u are right there for them pictures reading outings spend time talk to them get to really know so you will know when something's wrong the signs pay attention just love them help make life good for them giving them something to look forward to be patient.

Also...What was it that they loved to do before they got sick then try to assist.

Shared by: Thelma
Shreveport, LA

I currently care for my mom, mother in law and my aunt and you really have to enjoy what you do, but you also have to take a break for yourself.

Shared by: Liz B.

To Melissa in L.A.
All veterans (and their surviving spouses) that meet the requirements can apply for the 'Aid and Attendance Benefit'--a little known benefit for those who served during specific wars and time frames. There are also other qualifications. Go to for details on applying. I am in the process of filing. It is time very consuming. My 82 yr old mother broke her hip twice in less than two years and has fallen twice in less than a month at the nursing home. She currently resides in skilled therapy at a nursing home three states away. My intentions are to move her into my home at the end of her 100 day stay. This benefit will assist with at-home care as well as in nursing homes and assisted living facilities. Hope this helps! I am happy to have found support here. A BIG Thank you to your father for his service to this great nation.

Shared by: Hallie
Bay Area

Ok, so I am answering my own question of a few days ago...regarding an elder and the TV remote: we have a whole home system thru DirecTV and my answer applies to those with a similar set-up. At the time of installation, have your TV tech set the elder's control to "deletion off" as well as the "sharing list off" functions. This will allow your elder to record and delete whatever they want on their own list of programs and that list will not be shared with you and your tv. You can have the same done to your TV so that your list of programs you have recorded and saved will not be shared with your elder and they won't be able to see and possibly delete your stuff. Since we have done this 8 months after the install, there are still our programs that may be accidentally deleted by my mother. In this case we will need to connect a DVD recorder to her TV and record to a disc all our programs still remaining on her list if we want to keep them. Sound confusing? Just contact your satellite tv provider for more info but do it before your elder moves in. Frankly, this should be marketed to homes with elders as it makes life much easier for all. Taking the remote away from your elder should be a last resort. God Bless!

Shared by: Hallie
Bay Area

My 85 yr old mother had to move in with my husband and me after being in a bad car accident. Her mobility is quite limited and she must use a walker, but does her own daily sf care. No driving for her and I cook and do her laundry. She is living in our ground floor bedroom with bath and has her possessions around her (edited, as she is a hoarder). Since she moved in 9 months ago she hasn't been able to understand how to use her remote control for her TV which is on the same account as ours and she keeps deleting our recorded programs. She keeps denying she did but our "history" on our sat. TV shows she in fact has deleted our programs. Anyone else dealt with this issue? Tips and/or suggestions would be gratefully appreciated. We took her remote away and she about blew a gasket! Thank you.

Shared by: Sylvie
sheffield, UK

Hi my dad had a stroke over 12 years ago and has always been a lovely man. However this past year he has started being very grumpy and stubborn. He have carers come in every day and he has been rude to them and also to my sister and his grandaughter making suggestive and serial comments. Help. Please!

Shared by: Rachael

My sister is in a nursing home 1200 miles away and I am the rep payee and POA for her. I need to travel this distance 2 times per year to assure her needs are taken care of. Can I be reimbursed for this travel; i.e. gasoline, motels?

Shared by: Joyce

About 40 years ago my aunt was diagnozed with M.S. When she was informed of her condition she tried to take care of herself without government assistance. Now over the past 10 years her condition has gotten worse to the point where her left side of her body is no longer responding. She needs someone to bathe her, dress her, and even needs help with toileting. She has lost control of her bladder and bowl movments. Her brother and I are the only people who are helping her. We have asked for help through her insurance and the state of Michigan. The government has done nothing but made this even more stressful. My Aunt has worked for most of her life. She has paid into her retirment and now the government hasn't been paying her enough to even pay for nessesities. We have been tring to find ways to get more help but we have come up empty. It has gotten to the point that we need to go back to work but we can't afford homecare for my aunt. Help needed

Shared by: Sandy
Milton, WV

my brother lives in home with me, he is on medicaid wavior program i am his caretaker and get paid for caring for him.he is 75 years old. been with me 10 years, wavior program we went with wva. choice, but our state nurse said we could be on our own, not go thur any company?

Shared by: Sharon
Colquitt, GA

My husband, Larry Thompson had a severe stroke that has put him bedridden for the past 36 months. He went through having his skull removed and put back in and he is a totally different man than what I married. My brother, Burrell Beasley has been a great help to me. If not for him, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown. He is here when I need a hug, he goes to the store for me when anything is needed. He takes care of Larry when I am away. I am retired and able to spend some wonderful memories together still. I do have a Part Time job as a Hostess/Waitress at a local restaurant. I leave him alone only 4 hours and he feels so much confidence in just being alone. It has given him a reason to keep on trying. I need to be in touch with someone that understands what I am going through. Is this where I go?

Shared by: Yolanda
Houston, Texas

I am currently taking care of my son. 30 year old male that suffered a injury to leg. 3 surgeries. He has. 2 steel plates with screws on his leg. He can hop around to bathroom. Other than that I have to help him with everything else. I'm at wits end. How can I get him home to his apartment upstairs. Please give advice

Shared by: Joy

My husband was diagnosed on May 25th 2012. He was placed in Long Term Care Home. He always wants me to take him out of there. I have taken courses in Alzheimer's situations. Have tried what they taught us. Some of it works. Anyway, I try to tell him this is his home. He doesn't agree. So I said just ask God what He would have you to do. He says each time I go that God hasn't heard his prayer. So I pray with Him and then he is a different man. He is more calm and more loving than he was before. This was a crises situation I was involved with and having to put him in the home, hurts a lot. But the staff is great. He has settled down and is more at home when I leave. He is in the middle stage. His sight and hearing is being affected. I just pray that God will spare him the end result. His sister has Dementia too. Been in the home for 4 years. Now in the very very last days. Like a vegetable. Everything is done for her. I pray God will release Don from this happening. Thank you for listening.

Shared by: Ada
Albany, GA

There are several gadgets and you can Google. Handicap hair washing tray is one. Another is an inflatable hair wash basin for disabled. Just enter what you need and several devices will pop-up and you select what you need and search around the enternet I am sure you will come up with the right assistive device.

Shared by: Denise

I'm trying to find a solution to wash my client's hair. She can no longer get out of her wheelchair and so she can't get in the shower. Is there a gadget someone knows of to help out?

Shared by: Carol

My mom is now 80 with progressive Dementia. I had the same hard time wondering how to take the keys away from her. My brother, sisters and myself all we did was talk about taking the keys away. We got lucky. Someone called the DOT and said that she hit something in a parking lot and just drove away. When it came to renew her license they wanted her to take the test. Well, she flunked 5 times. You can take it six. We let her drive without a license for about 4 months. That was hard just knowing she could hurt herself or worse someone else and have to live with the feeling of guilt for not taking away the keys. One day I finally did it. I told her I was going to borrow her car and put it in her garage. She was living across the street from her house in an elderly apartment complex. She didn't like it but that was about 3 yrs ago. She still thinks she has a drivers license and bitches about not having her car but she's alive. She is now at Sunny Brook in the mental care wing. It's hard dealing with memory loss. All I can say is hang in there. You are not alone. It doesn't get any easier. Good luck with everything.

Shared by: Donna

In response to Ricky:
I am So sorry and sad for your current situation. My Prayers & thoughts are with you. I am not certain what the laws are in your State, however here in CT one Must prove that another is no longer capable of operating a motor vehicle. ie: Dr reports, police "incident" reports, etc... as unfortunate as it is, You Must think about your Mom's welfare AND the welfare and safety of others. As difficult as it is You MUST do this. You may also want to consider going to your local Human Resource Agency or Disability Acts for the State of Georgia, to let them know of your "situation". PLEASE act Before the home or worse is demolished due to negligence on your part. I understand Completely.
May God Bless you & ALL that you love.
Most Sincerely, Donna

Shared by: Rebecca
Maynardville, TN

I have some suggestions for people who are 24 hour caregivers as myself who are seeking Financial help. If your loved one has insurance ...especially Medicaid, Tenncare or Medicare. Call the phone number for members on the back of their insurance card and then talk to an associate and tell them that you are a caregiver and you want to know if you can get paid for taking care of your person. They will tell you how to get that started.

Shared by: David
Beijing, China

My father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s at age 52, two months after he had retired. My parents are divorced so my father lives alone. With my Father being the independent and stubborn man he is, he tried to keep it hidden until it was visibly noticeable. At that point I had graduated from university, moved and started working in Asia and my brother was entering university far away from home. Our family had never dealt with anything of this nature and didn't know how to handle it, other than how my father did by just ignoring and not talking about “it”. Fast forward 3 1/2 years, my brother, 24, is graduating from university, starting his life and wanting to settle down 2,000 miles away from home where he has a once in a lifetime job opportunity. I am 7,000 miles away, on the other side of the world away and back and forth as much as my job can allow, which at this point is not enough. He had DBS surgery 4 months ago which has done miracles but not enough to prevent help with daily life and tasks that are becoming more and more difficult for him. His mental state is not all there either. It has become a home health safety issue but he thinks he is fine. He will not listen to anyone and many have in some ways washed their hands of trying to help or do all they can do. When I am not there, it is up to my mother who can only do so much legally since they are divorced and my 82 year old grandfather who has his hands full already with my grandmother who is handicapped from a stroke years ago. It’s getting to the point where he cannot handle it anymore. My Father refuses to listen, is probably depressed and insists on living his life like he is fine but rapidly fading away. Home healthcare comes a few times a week, not enough to help, at this point he needs to be in assisted living, knows it but will refuse it. I am 26, should not be having to deal with something like this at my age and feel tremendously awful for saying that, much less not being there as much as I want. I am at the point where I feel like I am going to have to quit my job and come home. I am out of options; do not know where to start or what to even do at this point. A friend just recommended this website. It is comforting to read other stories and know I am not alone. Looks like some good resources for reading and information. Thanks so much.

Shared by: Kris
Coatesville, PA

I moved in with my parents a year ago. My mom broke her leg, fractured her spine and needs a lot of help. I struggle with TBI myself and need help that does not cost anything. I am her caregiver and on SSDI from brain injury. I find the stress difficult so I am asking for information and real people to talk to about this. Help.

Shared by: Queta
Dallas, TX

As I read some of the posts, I'm reminded of my mom who passed away of diabetic complications. It was very hard for both my sister and I to deal with her illness and on top finding appropriate clothes for physical therapy after going through an amputation. I would encourage anyone having to help their moms, aunts, grandmothers dress to check out a new product called Fresh Comfort. They have velcro and zipper bras to make it easy to dress.

Shared by: Ricky
Rossville, GA

My name is Ricky, I have moved in with my Mother and My Brother, mom has Alz and my brother is bed ridden from a head injury. Until the last six months mom has managed to care for her self and my brother... My question is, How do I take the keys from her? Everyone says it's hers. Let her run thru the house if she wants to. SHE IS CONSTANTLY PULLING THE VAN IN AND OUT IF THE GARAGE. TODAY SHE TORE THE DOOR DOWN. WHEN I RAN TO SAY STOP MOTHER, SHE BECAME VERY AGGRESSIVE AND ALMOST RAN OVER ME. EVERYONE SAYS TAKE THE KEYS. WELL SHE HAS DRIVERS LIC INSURANCE SO I CANT TAKE HER KEYS, CORRECT? It's her property. Do I call the police or do I wait till she hurts someone? Taking her keys makes living here impossible. Her home is paid for. She has no debt. I do not want the state to put either one of them in a facility, but I am going down both mentally and physically. I don't get a break. I keep myself locked in my bedroom unless I am doing something for them. Its only going to get worse. Should I just take the keys or have the police do it, will they? She is the sweetest lady until you go and tell her she can't drive. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Shared by: Sharon

Keep an (updated weekly or daily as needed) ROUTINE of the Day for anyone coming in for caregiver respite. It may be easier to keep it on computer so changes can be made as routine changes are forced then printed for the relief worker on a day when they are coming in. It makes the person being cared for relax with the person when they don't have to answer lots of questions about what is next to do.

Shared by: Mayra
Orlando, FL

My father is 91 years old. He has been in the hospital about 4 times in the last 2 months due to the inability to eat and swallow. I strongly believe he has dysphagia however he lives in P.R. and me and my brother and sister are flying in the next following day. We are planning to bring him to Boston for best healthcare. In the meantime I would like to know if someone can assist and suggest a way to get him to get stronger prior to take him to the states. He drinks ensure, at this time eating some baby food. My mom is trying her best to keep him hydrated but apparently its not working. Any suggestions? Thanks

Shared by: Patti

I am new to this, well actually I have been running around to various doctors with my husband since 2009. We finally received the diagnosis in April, Fontal Lobe Dementia. My husband is 61 and I am 57, these last few years have been a never ending episode of House. My husband use to be a lawyer, he has a successful practce, he was good looking, dress well, very outgoing. I am just trying to wrap my head around this whole thing. We have a daughter that just graduated college and a son who will be a junior in high school. This has been tragic for our whole famly. I find myself crying everywhere. Watching the man I love fade before my eyes.

Shared by: Jodi

I'm 44 and my husband is 49. He has been physically I'll for about 14yrs. The Dr's first thought the dementia was from having multiple surgeries in a short period of time, then from alcohol/drug usage. Now they have no idea. It's worse when he is tired, stressed or sick/infections. His most recent trip to the neurologist was frustrating to say the least. His memory test score was 35, doing about 10 points in 4 years. The Dr said it wasn't alzhiemer's because his sight didn't decline rapidly enough, which is great however his episodes are getting closer and closer together and don't seem to have any of his normal warning signs. The Dr says there isn't anything they can do to help with the dementia. Its as frustrating as it is heart breaking. Some days, like today I feel like I'm chasing a 2 yr old. I feel bad for getting frustrated. I'm not sure what else to do. In the last month he took over 200.00 in cash, cashed his small disability check all of which he doesn't remember doing or where he hid it, bought a second go pro, turned the oven on broil, and left and/or turned on the stove top 3 or so times. I miss my honey. I am really just wondering if there is anyone out there dealing with the same stuff and are as young as we are and just maybe what we have in store for us in the future. Thanks for letting me vent.

Shared by: Cindy Tasker
Kalamazoo, michigan

I'm 58 yrs old. My mother has been living with me for 3 yrs. Because if her health issures she could no longer live alone. She is in a fixed income and has been a part of my rental lease as she has helped pay rent since she moved in. I have kept my job, but recently her health has gone downhill and I am told by medical professionals that she now needs 24hr care. She does not want to go into a nursing home and I do not want to put her there. I have to quit my job to give her the care she needs. I am already having financial issues, I need some financial assistant. I have no idea where to look for that help or even if it's available. I have until June 15, 2014 to make these arrangements. What can I do?

Shared by: Terry
San Bernardino, CA

I am caring for my mom and my cousin who just lost her mom whom she cared for many years has been my support system. She recommended this website.

Shared by: Zaniffah darbasie
Queens, NY

I am a home health aide. I am a people person. I love people. When I work with your love one I care for them like my mother or my father. I try to make them happy. I sing with them. I walk with them. I make him or her happy. I am an aid for the past 15years. I also trained with alzheimer's. Taking care of an alzheimer's person you have to know how to talk to them. You always have to talk to them. I miss them when I am not around them. They are like my mother and my father. They past...

Shared by: Linda

Janice, is your mother drinking enough water? After the edema she suffered it would be understandable if she was reluctant to drink fluids, but laxatives can't work without water.

My own mother is prone to bowel obstructions but since she has a weak bladder is doesn't want to drink fluids as much as she should. I must remind her daily to finish the beverages I give her.

Shared by: Janice Brett

I hope someone can help me. I am new here and I am not ever sure I a posting in the correct area. My mother is disabled due to a hernia repair that went very wrong. She had a heart attack, shock, her body swelled with water 4 times her size like nothing I have ever seen. Blood clotting and infections that are back every single month. The single biggest issue is that I am up with her 24/7 while she is in such pain because she cannot go to the bathroom. There is not a food or med we have not tried. Most don't work yet cause hours of pain and cramping. Some work but the price is literally all day on the toilet to the point she is in need of rectal surgeryy. WHAT can I do? No GI doc knows because its all trial by error..they try and then try something else but she is still always so ill. Any suggestions to make this bathroom nightmare any better? If she does not get the laxative she claims the pressure on her bowel is unbearable.

Shared by: Leah

To be a care taker is a challenge everyday, but such a blessing. It teaches us a love, we might not have otherwise known, we learn to die to self, and care for another that is unable to do for themselves. We are their hands that do not function, their feet when unable to walk, sometimes their eyes to lead the way, and their mouths when needed. We speak for them when they are not able, we do for them what they cannot do, we love them unconditionally. I am a care taker for my very sick son, who regressed with lyme disease, lost all functional language, in a pullup. and feeding tube for a time, used only now as needed, but still needs assistance in all areas of life. Sleep cycle is a mess, so care taking is around the clock, they do things that are different, and so they must be watched daily. I saw this on another site and it touched my heart. Though our diagnosis is lyme disease/early childhood autism, once considered recovered, but with lyme disease taking all our gains away, he is in a state much like alzheimers, so this is what I read yesterday and it touched my heart, it was found at a care taking facility on the door of a patient......... Alzheimers Patient request.......Don't ask me to remember, don't try to make me understand, Let me rest and know your with me, kiss my cheek and hold my hand. I'm confused beyond your concept, I'm sad and sick and lost, All I know is that I need you to be with me at all cost. Do not lose your patience with me, or scold or curse or cry, I can't help the way I'm acting, I can't be different though I try. Just remember that I need you, that the best of me is gone, Please don't fail to stand beside me, love me till my life is gone. This touched my heart, I hope it touches some of yours...

Shared by: Ada Brown
Albany, GA

I am the Family Caregiver Program Coordinator at SOWEGA Council on Aging in Albany, GA. I would like to take this time to encourage caregivers to take care of themselves. Caregivers often neglect themselves and become susceptible to illness such as depression, hypertension, anxiety and burnout. Caregivers need to manage self because you are responsible for your own self-care. It is important that you don't become a victim yourself. When you take care of yourself everyone benefits. Remember to keep your regular doctor's appointments and take a break for your caregiving duties. Also, it is important not to wait until you are hanging at the end of the rope before you ask for help. I encourage caregivers to take "Powerful Tools for Caregivers" class to learn as much as you can regarding caregiving. This is a wonderful class that identify the challenges of caregiving, provide tools for reducing personal stress, change negat ive self talk, how to communicate your feelings, anger management, guilt and depression. This class also give caregivers a chance to learn from each other by sharing who they are, who they care for, medical conditions, relationships and where they live. Each caregiving situation is unique however, they have a lot in common and many problems and concerns are similar. What's important is to realize as a caregiver you are not alone and help is on the way you just have to accept it.

Shared by: Kristeen

I wanted to add to Amanda's posting on 5/16/14;
Please seek some assistance. I work for a non profit hospice even if I can not personally help I do have information that may help the situation. Senior centers often have Dementia groups, counseling or information as well. Some assisted living centers offer respite for caregivers. Also if your family member is violent talk to the Dr. about medications. Find a doctor that specializes in geriatric care.

Shared by: Amanda

I wish I could help all of you. I recently became a Care Coordinator in MN and from what I'm reading, almost all of you sound like you could benefit from some respite. Sometimes the local hospitals have Caregiver Respite programs that can send volunteers to give you a break. Hospital Discharge Planners are a wealth of information as well. You don't have to be a patient to make a call to get assistance with finding resources. You can also check with your local county family service department to have someone do an assessment for services. Anyone can receive the assessment regardless of income. In some instances, insurance companies provide, as a benefit to the insurance, a Care Coordinator such as myself who can assist members and families to find the right resources to fit their needs. The Care Coordinator most likely will be associated with a state medical plan, not necessarily with private companies, but you could certainl y call to find out. Another route is to contact church parish nurses. They also are under utilized and can be a huge resource for people. Don't give up. There are many many resources out there that people don't know about but you have to get in there and dig for help!

Shared by: Evelyn Elster

Trust no for profit caregiving organization or individual in Michigan. Over the last 15 years I have encountered more criminals than I ever thought I could while attempting to care for my mother. The Nursing Home Association in Michigan has given Gov. Snyder $35,000 toward his campaign and now do whatever they choose, which ultimately is to separate the elderly from their life savings and stressing family members into oblivion.

Shared by: Sharon Miller
Onamia, MN

My mother is a fall risk. She is getting PCA care on a daily basis and the company she works for is starting to "let her fall" is that how homecare is supposed to treat her??

Shared by: Judy
Midland, TX

I am trying to care for my sister, 96 pounds and fragile. Three years ago she had a hip replacement and now has to have revised hip replacement. She just barely walks. I came from Dallas to cook and clean and take care of her dog. I brought my 14 yr. old blind and deaf dog with me and he had 5 seizures on our way here. Had to rush him to emergency. The problem is nothing I do is good enough or suits her. I opened the blinds too much, I didn't clear the microwave, I didn't wake up at 6:30 a.m. when she yelled at me to go the bathroom. I am at my wits end and am resenting her. I miss my friends and grandchildren in Dallas. She is even bad mouthing me to her two friends. What to do? If she has her surgery in Dallas after therapy she will be staying with me indefinitely. She will have my room and I will have to sleep on the floor with a very bad back. I am already at my wits end.

Shared by: Shelle

I have cared for my 23 year old autistic son all his life. Now in addition to his care I have been caring for my husband for the past year 24/7, he is a brittle diabetic with a left below the knee amputee. I also work double shifts on the weekends to provide for everyone. My younger son watches them on the weekends while I am at work. My problem is I feel so overwhelmed, I am a nurse all the time I never leave my job! It is all to much all the time, never a break, I work all the time, constantly.

Shared by: Kathleen Craig
Seattle, WA

I've been caregiver for my husband who has had strokes, heart attack, diabetes, etc. It is hard work! He is now in a skilled nursing facility getting good care. I am crossing my fingers he can stay there. Still, lots of loneliness on my part. Friends and family come and go, some understand and some don't want to. I appreciate honest feedback too!

Shared by: Joseph V Johnson
I'm in Mn. My sister lives in Seattle

My sister has a lifelong disease. Her husband Up and left her and refuses to assist her. I'm looking for help for her both medical and support. She is shut in unable to drive. She is wanting me to come out from MINNESOTA TO HELP HER GET HER KITCHEN AND HOUSE WHERE SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF As she only has her children, especially in her kitchen, WITHOUT GETTING BURNED AND HAVE NO MORE FIRES. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO CAN ASSIST HER And Myself????She has no family out there accept her children all her family is back in Minnesota and Iowa

Shared by: Debbie
Phoenix, AZ

My sister has been caregiver for my mom for 6 years, she is 97 and in fairly good shape, although she cannot hear and has limited sight. She wanted to have her fly from Dallas to Phoenix to stay with us for 2 weeks. We have avoided this for the past 3 years as the last time she did this she was disorientated and did not like being uprouted to our house which is not set up for an elderly person.

Shared by: Rose M.
Seaside, CA

I have been taking care of my husband who has Alzheimer's for seven years. I get frustrated some times especially when I have to change him. He even gets violent and my kids get very upset and they want him in a nursing home. I'm not ready to put him there. I want to have an online friend who has the same problems, men or women who I can talk to and share daily experiences. I get very lonely at times even though I have friends and family members that I can talk to. I want fresh blood. Someone who can be honest and straightforward. Contact me if you need a friend online.

Shared by: Roberta Blummer

Thank you for your article on fear and risks of falling. Two important areas of consideration are dehydration and urinary tract infections.

Shared by: Martha L. Milton
Vancouver, WA

Our mother has been homeless on the streets of Pasadena, CA for the past 29 yrs. by her own choice due to her mental illnesses. She was recently diagnosed in California with pneunomia and COPD so my dear sister went down and packed up her stuff and they came up by train. Now our mom wants to return to California. She is in no way mentally or physical able to do either so where do we go from here? Do we need to get an attorney of directive? Is there someone in the city of Vancouver, WA That can help us? Thanks, Jodie Wright

Shared by: Toni

To all caregivers on this board, please check into In-home Hospice care in your area. In-home Hospice is under-utilized by people and there are tremendous benefits available under this. If your loved one has a terminal illness such as cancer, congestive heart failure, alzheimers, etc. (look it up online), there are benefits that you can get if you are caring for your loved one at home. It is paid for by Medicare and people do not use it because they think that Hospice is for someone who will die within weeks or a few months. That is not the case. I urge you to check into Hospice care (provided in your home). Go online and check as you may be missing out on benefits and assistance and support that you need.

Shared by: Napold
Kissimmee, FL

My son Gregory was on his 3rd year of college; He became mentally ill for 2 years now; He became disabled; He is about to be discharged from the hospital where he is in Orlando FL. I will have to care for him 24 hours a day, I need financial assistance.

Shared by: Peggy
Conyers, GA

I am elderly and I care for my disable son. I need somewhere for him to live during the week. I need a rest during the week.

Shared by: Carolyn
Des Moines

Sorry I feel like I am doing all the wrong things for my sister-in-law but when it comes down to getting something done they call on me I feel very frustrated I do everything I can but only hear about what everyone else does my husband keeps telling me it is because I don't talk about it and people that do are drama queens but can I at least be loved our two little girls are suffering because I am trying to do all I can to fit into the family and take care of my sister in law I love her so much. WHAT AM I DOIMG WRONG!!!!!! I have always been careful to tell the whole story but please help me!

Shared by: Shawn
San Diego

I work in the health industry and have one simple question. Why don't they require these care givers to speak clear fluent english? Makes me sick to my stomach when these caregivers bring in pateints and you can barely understand them. If we can barely understand them how do you expect the elderly to?

Shared by: Connie Dugan

My Mom lives in an Assisted Living Home with four other residents. She often does not understand "Why" Mrs. J doesn't sleep at night or likes to pack and unpack her clothes, "Why" Mrs. D. calls her names and forgets what she was just been told, or "Why" Mrs. A. cannot control her body movements and eats alone at the kitchen table. I have found it very helpful to print articles on Alzheimer's and ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease), so she can get a glimpse into what the other residents are experiencing. One day she read an article that I brought to her and said, "Well, I learned something today". Priceless!

Shared by: Claire

Here are the most fulfilling moments I will try to put to words for all caregivers... My mom's look of peacefulness as I held her hand - and was still there throughout the years of the turmoil dementia put both of us through - with love and a strong daughter holding her hand to try to guide her through that last physical moment and on to where we all will eventually go. Thru thick and thin we were a team. Then the next year almost exactly thereafter, my pop had a stroke to which he could not matter how hard he tried... come out of. In the ER, my pop's last word was "chickie-doll." His pet name for me. Though only one side of his lips and tongue were able to move, it was clear. And when I said "pop I wish I could see your beautiful blue eyes again and he opened them for the last time and my sister and I were totally taken aback to both of those things. In my heart I knew I had done the right thing. My Mom,Pop & I were a team. Through thick and thin we loved each other with all of our hearts... without question. They took such good care of us kids that now they knew for certain I was going to be there for them no matter what twists and turns came up.

Shared by: Mike T.

Hi.everyone. I know its very painful that you see someone close to you cannot recognize you anymore and their personalities start to change a lot which they used to be a caring and lovely person. My dad had dementia and now using tube feeding. We now treat him as a child like how he treated us. We hug, kiss, and talk jokes with him. We are fortunate to have him as a dad showing us the right way of path. Let us caregivers be strong and show them love.

Shared by: Leigh

Rose Robinson:
That is a task my mom has gone through for years!

Shared by: Melinda
Orlando, FL

My Husband was recently diagnosed with MS. I have always taken care of my sister, a brittle diabetic. I am researching all sites with MS caregiver info. Anyone that has info on the beginning of this please feel free to send suggestions.

Shared by: Lonnie Logan

My uncle lost his mother last year and know he needs help taking care of his dad, my grandfather, and he has old timer disease. He don't have the money to pay for a nursing home or home care. He was always there for me and I need someone to help my uncle because Im afraid that it might kill him soon. The place where my uncle is, is Harassing my uncle every day asking for more money and he doesn't have a job because he had to quit his job to take care of his family. So please help my uncle before it kills him. Thank u for listening.

Shared by: Sylvia
Gilroy, Calif.

Trying to help my cousin. He had a stroke 2 yrs. ago. He has first stage of dementia. His ex wife(been divorced 13 yrs.) still wants alimony from my cousin. Ex is aware of his health problems. They never had children. Any advice? Thank You!

Shared by: Zelda

To Rose Robinson:
It's been a while since I was in your boat, but I do remember that sweets were very enticing to get my dad to eat. If there are no medical problems, try using jam and such on various foods. It worked for us until it was feeding tube time. As for the other, I had been advised to keep my father walking for as long as possible. He would rant and rave and curse me when I made him get out of his bed to walk a few steps... He wanted his wheelchair. So we had some go-rounds about it, but I did get him to continue walking first to the bathroom, then later to a potty chair that I told him was being kept out of his particular room becuase it was not polite for it to be wehre he rested. Eventually, when he got beyond having the ability to walk, he was on an air mattress that fluctuated to keep him from getting bedsores. Physical therapists came in to give him gentle exercise as well. Go find a caregiver group to both discuss what to do and commiserate with and also to get away form it on a regular basis for a while or you will burn out. I have heard that most times when health professionals look at the patient who is well groomed and such, they look up at the caregiver who is mostly disheveled and coming apart. Don't let that happen to you. GL!

Shared by: Lori Gage
Oceanside, CA

Re: mothers poor appetite: Your mother may be nearing the end of her life and her body is slowly shutting down and does not require the same amt of nutrition she needed when she was healthy. Respect her food choices - including whether or not she wants to eat - and don't make her feel guilty for not eating/drinking.

...Going rate for private home health care is $10-14. If you go thru an agency the rate is almost double. there are lots of in vs live out, private vs agency so check it out by getting info and ask questions.

Shared by: Tess
San Diego

As a Caregiver be passionate, understanding, learn to listen and look at the feelings of others most especially the Elderly. Sometimes they dont know how to make decisions on there lives, so for us as caregivers, we have to understand in every moment, their actions and everything.. GOD IS GOOD FOR US AND GIVES US A TALENT TO SERVICE TO MOSTLY ELDERLY PEOPLE THAT NEED US MOST..

Shared by: Eleanor Parker
Cocoa, FL

After 4 years of not sleeping I had to take Mom to her Urologist to get catheters, for two nights a week. I feel so guilty but with her getting me up 4 to 7 times a night because she is afraid to wet the bed I had no choice ( I have the bed savers, 2 layers of bed savers with sheets on them and made these little bed savers with baby cloth diapers and material used for making baby bibs to put under her). I do check her for UTI's every other week with the home test. She has had a couple of them after she had to take antibiotics for upper body infections. Also she is borderline diabetic too. I have not had much time to get on this site lately but really enjoy it. I get a lot of info for the future. God Bless all of the caregivers out there. Our pay is knowing we did all we could for our loved one, our reward will be great at the end.

Shared by: Linda Gabriel
Springfield, Illinois

I am caregiver to my 91 year old mother. She lives with me. I have learned a lot about the elderly just from her. She hides her food, has zero short term memory, changes clothes a lot. She was not very nice when we were children, but now she is a sweet old woman. Emotionally it is very difficult. Some days are better than others. But that is life anywhere.

Shared by: Jayalkrishnan. T

My mother who is 94 now became bedridden. And now is able to take only liquid diet. She is NOT a diabetic and keeps lien body. What liquid diet is suggested. Thanks.

Shared by: Melissa
Los Angeles

Hi, I forgot to ask what is the general going rate for home health care, say someone coming in a few hours a day five days a week? Meaning a caregiver and/or nurse. Thank you.

Shared by: Melissa
Los Angeles

Hi, I am writing in the hopes of finding some options for my father who has dementia. He is a veteran living in a veteran's home in a different state. My goal is to move him out here to California, have him temporarily live with me while he waits for an opening in the VA home here. My concern is getting him medical care during the transition period and making sure his medicine is administered properly in the home. Are there any groups or resources that could help with this move? Thank you.

Shared by: Don

I just returned from a five day business trip. I'm caregiver for my wife and brought her along since she needs a wheelchair and other assistance and can't fly. My trip has to do with motel reservations. When reserving an "accessible room" make sure you know what you are getting. Some hotels are very ignorant regarding what constitutes an "accessible room". The last room had a bed so high that if my wife were to roll out she would need a parachute to keep her from getting hurt. Ask questions and call the hotel back to confirm the details. Don't assume because it is in the reservation you will get what you asked for.

Shared by: Rose Robinson
Nelspruit South Africa

My Mother is at home with me she is 87 and has diabetes, cancer, dementia and irregular heart. She was in a nursing home but was not cared for so I brought her home. I need advice on how to encourage her to eat - I have tried everything and all she ever wants is scrambled eggs. I give her Ensure which she takes eagerly. Is there anything you can advise? She has refused now to get out of bed no matter how much I try to encourage her to move. Please help as this is all new to me.

Shared by: Laura

I live with my parents, my dad has Alzheimers and my ma is emotionally and verbally abusing me for the past 7 years. I am not getting paid, it is not written legally that I am the caregiver, I do it for my father. But, in the past week, I have had enough, my sister and brother do not help out at all. I am packed and ready to leave, I can I get in trouble by the law if I leave? That is my question. Any help would be appreciated.

Shared by: Heidi Ann
Pittsburgh Pennsylvania

Hello! My husband has CKD. He has had stress tests done & the last one he had done the doctor told us it looked fine & that everything looked great. Then his PCP said that he needs to see a cardiologist. I don't know why he would need one when the tests was fine! I feel left in the dark bout so much stuff. Now the doctor's are saying that my husband has blood in his stool. HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY BLOOD IN HIS STOOL! The doctor's want him to get another blood transfusion. He had 6 already in the past month! I mean come on! I haven't seen any of the test results at all from any of these tests. I wish there was someone to help because this is getting more & more ridiculous every time. Plus I think the doctor's r making my husband believe all this crap! Me-I don't buy into any of this.

Shared by: Leticia Berrios

Hi everyone, just wanted to say God bless and keep strong all of us caregivers!!!

Shared by: Mario Palacios
Los Angeles, CA

Hello everyone. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a certified Caregiver Support Group Leader for the Alzheimer's Association and have been working with caregivers for the last 14 years.

When dealing with caregiver burnout, it is important to think about a few items. First it is important to take care of yourself. How can you be good to others if you cannot be good to yourselves? This means that during the week when you are caring for your loved one 24/7, it is important to schedule time for yourself. Whether it is a few hours of walking time spread throughout the week, a movie, eating at your favorite place, or meeting with a friend once a week. Despite resisting the urge to not do it out of guilt or shame, it is important to your mental health to do it.

Shared by: Lisa Smith
New York City

My dad is in florida his sister just put him in assisted living place... not even a week he fell n broke his hip. now he is in a hospital for therapy when i call he sounds so confused. I know my dad is lonely and would probably respond much better if he had family around him, I am not financailly able to care for him..the more he is away from family the more he is forgetting things... I with all my heart would love to have my dad but i cant afford a apartment for myself... Is there any help out there that would help me get a place n care for my dad so i can atleast give him the Love he needs in his last years???? Heart broken daughter my sister and his sisters prefer to put him in a facility... I think he needs Love n help at home with family?

Shared by: Michelle
Seattle, WA

Hi i am a caregiver. We have a client who does not suffer from praider willy however has an eating disorder. All of her food used to be locked and only those with a key had access. All of her foods were prepared and given to her. Now with all the new laws we cannot use locks and or restrictions! Please help. Thanks.

Shared by: Jeanette Quigley
Whitehall, WI

I've been taking care of my Dad now for almost 6 years. He has alcohol induced dimencia. Not only has all the physical work fell on me, but also the financial. My twin sister is beyond wealthy and refuses to contribute one cent. I am now in bankruptcy due to all this, and she still won't help. He is both our fathers and she just walks away and never looks back and then yells at me for helping him. I cannot she can get away with this. I am now very ill myself at 52 with spinal stenosis, PTSD after a rape, and Agraphobia Panic Disorder, in which I'm afraid to leave my home and she still will not help. How can a twin sister, and you should know the secrets I carry for her, let me hang like this?

Shared by: Rettasue
Cleveland, Tennessee

Two lawyers and a judge are trying to get my husband and I to sell our home and go live in a long term home because he had a stroke and then a seizure. He is doing o.k. and the two of us are happy in our little home. I can care for him because the conservator made me go to a mental health man to have an evaluation and he says that I am smarter than the conservator. Can they make us do that and why won't they let my husband come home. We live one mile from two hospitals and a I/2 mile to the doctor. Staying at home would be so much better and we would be happier. Thanks

Shared by: Juliette Vander Meulen
Abbotsford, BC, Canada

I'm a qualified CRA & CHC. My Commom-law husband is going in soon for double hip replacement, Can I get paid for caring for him?

Shared by: Drake Lester
Birmingham, AL

I am my wife's caregiver. Do I qualify for FMLA protection by being a caregiver?

Shared by: Cherie Krauss
St. Louis

I am looking to buy a bed safety alarm, the kind with the pad that goes on the bed itself vs. the one that attaches to clothing. My Mom weighs 93 pounds and I have heard that there is a low weight cutoff for that. Does anyone have thoughts about this?

Shared by: Cyndi

Hi I have my mom living with me and she has mild dementia. I have 3 older sisters and one older brother. Back last year some time we all discussed what to do with her house and she agreed to what we all came up with. However since that time 2 of the girls have aggravated her immensely that she decided to leave them out of cleaning out the house. I tried to tell her to tell them but she believes why does she have to tell it is her house she can change her mind any time. I feel it is true. Once I started working on it with an aunt I had her tell them. One sister wants completely out of it; the other 2 and my brother it didn't go so well. They think mom is not entitled to change her mind and so they believe what we all agreed to so instead of asking her why this occurred they just believe 100% that I went behind her back and went on my own and they won't answer mom's calls bc they think I am speaking for her although it is her voice. Has anyone else experienced something like this. I am acting on mom's words to do her house and then bringing all her things that matter to her over here I should have checked with them first bc they wanted to be a part of it but mom refused. Any sugestions would be of help on how to endure their disbelief in me. I am holding onto faith that something will turn around but I don't know what exactly. My mom is still capable of making her own decisions on most everything. Thank you

Shared by: Teresa

To Sheri Brown:
What I did when caring for my aunt, I contact Phila. Corporation for Aging and I got into the waiver program which allowed me to get who I wanted to take care of her while I worked they paid the people I selected. So check your senior programs where you live.

Shared by: Carry

To Gina from Georgia:
Yes, this man is breaking laws, he sexually harassing you! I would find another job, ASAP to avoid the drama. If you speak to the Mother (Boss), you could be accused of coming on to him, and fired. Find another job, then before you leave speak UP!!! to him. Tell him you are leaving because he is sexually harassing you, and that he can't do this to you or anyone else ever again. He has crossed boundaries, is out of line, and breaking the law. You and the other caregiver could press charges against him. Make that known to him and get out, with no future contact ever again.

Shared by: Jayne
Logan, WV

I have a mother in law that has a feeding tube and she has to stay on it 24 hrs a day unless we bath her walk her get her out of bed but the problem we are having is that she is suppose to stay I'm going to say a 45 degree angle and she has a hospital bed and we lift the head and legs up so she won't slide but somehow she slides no matter how we put her we put a pillow under her but that didn't work it is 20 times a day that we have to lift her up to put her back in position what can we do so she won't slide I'm scared that she will slide down when she is sleeping and choke and I sleep on the couch so I can hear her please give me some info so I can get some sleep

Shared by: Pat
Yuma, AZ

My husband had his stroke 7 years ago now and recently had 2 strokes in his right eye. He can still see but has problems. Sometimes, I forget that he is unable NOT unwilling to give his opinion, or to help with solving a solution to a household problem. I need to always remember that his stroke took away much of his mental capability and that I need to do all I can being the Caregiver. I believe after many years of caregiving we think that possibly our loved one has somehow become better. My husband does not look like a stroke victim. He handles all of his personal care, has all capabilities to walk and associate with others. What he lost was most of his memory, his personality that I married some 30 years ago, he is unable to read or comprehend and sometimes due to the Aphasia can not come up with the correct words. As his Caregiver I need to always remember that if the "shoe was on the other foot", he would be there for me in any way, love me for the person I was at the time, and never give up. I am guessing that is what we all need to remember. Thank you for your consideration.

Shared by: Mary
Vancouver, WA

My husband is a quadraplegic in a power chair from an injury in 2008. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. All our dreams of travel have been trashed by his injury and future prognosis. We would like to go away together for a vacation but since he can't transfer from his chair we need a portable lift which I have purchased. But I get discouraged think of hauling that lift with us. We have an adapted van to transport him in but we would really like to go on vacation to Hawaii again after many years. I feel so overwhelmed with planning a vacation and having to do everything by myself. Our dreams to travel were destroyed when he was paralyzed and then he was diagnosed with cancer. It makes me so sad to think that in today's world that so much is just not available to help paralyzed people do things they had dreamed about in the past. It is depressing to think that all we can do is day trips. Is there any realistic hope in this. Doing this seems very overwhelming considering I'm his sole caregiver. Is there still a chance out there with airlines, etc.?

Shared by: Gina

I've been working as a caregiver to pay my way through college. My patient is a young women who lives at home. Her mother is my "boss", but on some nights and weekends her husband's home. He makes sexual comments about me and the other caregiver. Once he went as far as placing my hand on his head then laying his head in my lap while stroking my thigh. I don't want to quit because I'm very attached to my patient and her mom. Is he breaking any rules or laws? How do I confront him?

Shared by: Sam

I've been reading Postings here and I feel so interested on becoming a part of this Group if that ok with you all. I work in Long Term Care for years.Sometimes, after reading, my Heart and Soul get so sad but I Pray to God for yours all strength and Wisdom to deal with the daily Challenges! God bless you all!

Shared by: Ann
Westerly, RI

Please tell me what sources are available to help my elderly parents on a monthly basis-bills, caregiving expenses, pet-care? My mother is suffering from the early signs of Alzheimer's disease; she is 79, my father is 80. He is the main caregiver, and I want them to have extra income sources for these neds. My father is low on funds. Thank you.

Shared by: Annette

Everyone on here is such a good person for helping in any way. There are the good days and bad days. My Mom is in a home and there are times an aid will say something mean and then I get the phone call or message. These aids should not say anything if something didn't go their way. Silence is golden.

Shared by: MB

My 90 year old mother recently started to display paranoia. She has accused her caregivers of putting salt in her bath water and her drinking water. She said they were pouring water in her shoes, so she hid four pairs. She said they were throwing itching dust on her and her clothes. Now she's refusing to sleep in her bed or her recliner because she says that she gets shocked. She sits in her wheelchair all day and sleeps in it at night. The doctor has checked her meds and does not feel that she is facing dementia. How should I address her accusations? She begs me to believe her, but what she fears is not happening.

Shared by: Teresa

I want to encourage those who are caring for love ones or friends, for 17 years I cared for my aunt and a many of days I was overwhelmed. With the help of this Caregiver Newsletter it helped me in so many ways with other caregivers ideas and reading the newsletter and going to the Caregiver Conference when it came to Philadelphia. The most was to pray a lot and take care of yourself so you can take care of your love ones. My aunt has passed and my godparents and I want to say thank you to Mr. Gary and his magazine you have been a blessing.

Shared by: Misty S.

To Sherri Brown:
In the state of OH there may be a program available to assist you financially. check out the website called There is an 888 number you can call and they're great about walking you through your scenario to see if you qualify for services.

Shared by: Roz Turner
Upper Marlboro, MD

When I read the stories of other caregivers I feel that my life is not so bad. My husband was diagnosed 6 years ago with vascular dementia. Medications to slow the disease does not do anything but make him sleep all the time and dulls his senses. I would rather have what's left of the man I married without the drugs for dementia. He still dresses himself with help but he is incontinent and cannot hold a conversation. Cannot find the words to communicate. He gets frustrated when I do not understand him or angry. It's hard when he tells me you don't get it because I'm stupid or he curses me. He gets restless more than he use to and gets up and down moving throughout the house. I have to always be aware of his location to make sure he does not wonder off or let someone in the house that I don't know. He was a very social person and as such likes to try to talk to people. I don't sleep well because I think he's going to do something that puts us in danger. I had a heart scare recently that put me in a tale spin because I did not have someone to take over immediately when I went to the hospital. If it wasn't for my long term neighbors and a son who is not too far away, I would be lost. I wonder sometimes if he would know what to do if I passed out and could not communicate. I tell him but he may not remember. He goes to daycare a couple of days a week which gives me a break. He gets upset at times when I have to change his clothes or underwear but he still is able to help a little. He is eating less lately which is a concern because he is diabetic. I have to give him shots four times a day to monitor his blood sugar. As one reader said, I am caregiver, plumber, electrician, gardener, driver, homemaker, dietitian, scheduler and accountant. He is a disabled vet which adds another dimension to his care. We have been married 48 years and I would never have imagi ned that a strong and strong willed individual would end up like this. What I miss is intimacy, someone to talk to and someone to be able to go on excursions with. He is unable to walk any distances because of a bad back, he uses a walker which still does not help with walking even at the mall. Once or twice a year I put him in respite care but I miss his company. I am still blessed because outside of his care, I have no worries. I give praise to all caregivers who go through much more than I may have to endure.

Shared by: Sheri Brown

I feel bad for asking but since I had to give up work to take care of my husbands mom our finances are horrible but I heard there is a way for me to get paid for caring for her does anyone know?? In Ohio

Shared by: Vicki R

I appreciate all the comments on this site. I care for my mother who is staying with us right now. Her diagnosis is undetermined, but she has had 2 concussions recently for falls that the Dr.s can't diagnose. I and my husband are overwhelmed, as I have been on disability from a car accident 15 years ago. Thanks for helping me to smile today :).....No, my siblings are not too "available" to help.

Shared by: Linda Smith
Corpus Christi

My husband is a stroke patient. Thankfully, he can still walk (with a slight limp), understand most everything said to him and is able to take care of his own personal needs. His having speech therapy and that is going fairly well. He is on several medications, about 9 pills per day. He HATES taking any type of pill and always has. He becomes very angry when he has to take the meds and becomes very angry anytime I don't understand what he's telling me, etc. I feel that depression is a factor, but putting him on another med would probably make bad matters worse. We have been married 46 years and I love him more than ever, but the emotional stress is really getting me down. What do I do?

Shared by: Megan Molargik
Warner Robins, GA

My mom has ovarian cancer and is getting weaker. My stepfather and I are caring for her. He has really bad ankles; I injured my back some years ago and still have pain. Mom is having more and more trouble getting up. I worry that one day, we're going to try to help her the wrong way and one or more of us will get hurt. What is the best way for me and my stepfather to help my mom without any one getting hurt?

Shared by: Eleanor Parker
Cocoa, FL

Medical Equipment??? When Mom became wheelchair bound I found most of our needs on She could get a Scooter that would not fit in her bathroom, so I found a Power Wheel Chair, VMI Van, wheelchairs, Hemi Walkers, Bedside Commode, at 1/3rd the price, some less. I found a brand new Hoyer lift (ready for the future) at a Thrift store. I didn't want to fight for things we needed. It is hard enough to make sure the Doctors are preferred providers for her second insurance and to keep up with the medication (excels works for me). I have all her Surgeries, Medications (how they are given, with the generic name and name brand), over the counter drugs, Medical Conditions, Hospital or Urgent care visits, on Word and update it as needed. All her Doctors, phone, address what they are also on Word. Taking these to Doctor appointments (they will call you an Angle) is a big help. I give them a copy every time so the can't say they didn't know. I take our Date book with all her Stats I do everyday with her weight (done everyday). It takes time to do at first but once its done updating is easy. Hope this helps someone. I wish I would of known about this site when I started. It took me months to find what would work for me. Not a nurse kind of person at all. Did a lot of Google to make sure medicine is taken not to counter act with each other. I also didn't want her taking more than 5 pills every 4 hours. Some are 4 times a day. God Bless.

Shared by: Doug
Cleveland, Ohio

I am caring for my sister who is 55 yrs old. She was in an auto/truck accident almost three years ago. Prior to that she lost two husbands back to back to cancer. Most recently she lost one of her son's in a car/train accident on the same road last Thanksgiving. A good friend of her late son wanted to create a benefit for his final expenses, her daughter caught wind and accused her of using the benefit as a scheme to make money from her dead son, that was the exact words she used with her mom. Last week, I took my sister to her pain mgmt doctor who then prescribed a higher dose of medication for her, since then, my sister has been further and further out of reality. I took her pain meds from her today and told her they would be administered as prescribed. I can't take much more of this stress. I try to do things to combat my stress but lately I am about ready to blow my top.

Shared by: Eleanor Parker
Cocoa, FL

I’m looking for the more patient button too. My Mother moved in with us 5 years ago after a Heart Attach and Major Stroke. The first stroke she was able to walk and dress her self. One year later number two stroke did her in. She has Dementia and thinks she can do things on her own. Some days we are 3-5 yrs old or 16 (the hardest age). I have a dry eraser with month, date, day, year and what we are doing the next three days for her. Bathroom I mark when she goes on a calendar to remind her she has gone. On her Lamp Shade next to her lift chair (A Saver on my back) I make a calendar and put appointments etc. I take her out at least 2-3 times a week. Every day it is very important to her, to dress nice, even when we stay home, with makeup, Jewry, etc. I haven’t worked for 4 years and have a wonderful husband who tries to help in any way he can (specially my inventions : ) My other two sisters said that they would help. One is in Alabama and it is like pulling teeth to get her and her husband to come help the two weeks my husband and I go on vacation (two weeks a year break). The other sister live 4 hours away and at first twice a month she came up for 3 days, so that I can get some sleep, now once a month or sometimes 5 weeks between, (Mom has a baby monitor that she can push a button and wakes me every two hours or sooner to go on the bedside commode. I hope never to have to put Mom in an Assisted Living Home (I have a real bad back) but I know if the time does come I will be visiting everyday (looking at the local reviews). God Bless all the Caregivers out there. We give up a lot (time for ourselves, spouses, family and friends, but at the end we will never regret what we are doing. Thank you for listening.

Shared by: Kathy G
Groton, Conn.

Today has been a very hard day to get through, Im trying to switch on the extra patience switch and I think its shorted out. My lady is 95 and still does most everything her self well thinks she can, Ive never felt soooo resentful torwards family members not getting involved. I just needed to vent thank you.

Shared by: Slindile

I live with my mother I am not working. My mother had stroke 6 years ago. She is not geting any treatment because I don't have money for transport. She is also not geting pension to buy food. She is not living a healthy life.

Shared by: Velma Witkowski
Monroe Twp., NJ

I believe in helping people to feel better about themselves. Playing some card game and laughing a little. Singing a song and taking the time to give them a smile and a happy face. Always remember they are people too and they need our support as well. Be Sensitive to them and their needs. Bake some cookies and play a game with them. Walk outside brings them fresh air and a better outlook on life. Not to sit all day but, to be as active as possible goes a long way to making their life a bit happier. They also enjoy the company of family and friends. One gentleman I worked with had a family in England. We connected again and that was a gift that both enjoyed into the time the son's daughter got married and the family came from England to meet with this man, one more time. That was worth waiting for and a better homecoming!!!!!

Shared by: Katie A.
Sacramento, CA

To Dorothy Cassidy:
I know this is impossible and surreal. Hang in there sister. Loneliness is our burden in many ways. Know you're being thought about this day. Try to find things in your life to look forward to and which bring you pleasure.

To Kathy in Oregon:
There are more agencies now days to offer in home help, I'd pursue them. They have a good handle on what you're looking for. And tell them you have Nanny cams set up around the house and arrange to be in consistent communication with Dad whilst you're in Hawaii.

To David Ledoux:
I am so so sorry for your loss. If I had my druthers, I'd be with my folks 24/7. I know how you feel. It's a love without compare. Just try to enjoy the moments with mom. There is nothing else you can do today!

To Nisla in Florida:
It sounds like it may be time to consider care facilities for your mom. With dementia, you forget when you poop sometimes. It's hard, but you may have to make that decision for family now.

To Debra in Oakley:
If you are a Medi-Cal recipient, your husband can get paid 10.40 per hour through your counties In Home Supportive Services program. Other than that, I don't know of a program that will pay him to care for you. sorry.

To Ruby:
OMG!! Honey, not good. You have to draw a line in the sand with your husband. It's enough already and you know it! I'm sorry but it's time for your husband's mother to be cared for in a facility.

Hey folks, don't assume your loved ones will be treated miserably in a care home. Don't pretend it's you being admitted. If you are vocal with the people caring for them and make your presence known to the employees at the facility, it WILL BE OKAY!!! God Bless crazy fellow caregivers!!!

Shared by: Kathy

I am my dad's caregiver. This summer my family and I are planning on a 10 day trip to Hawaii but my dad won't be able to come. He doesn't fly. I really don't want someone coming to my house to take care of him because I have a hard time trusting people coming to my house. I've heard horror stories about some caregivers. I was wondering if there is a place I could take him for those 10 days.

Shared by: Katie A.
Sacramento, CA

Many people have been wondering if Obamacare will cover the cost in part of caregivers like us. Everyone who is interested in pursuing this for their own state has to go to then click on their own state to see what "Home and Community based program" they may be eligible for. Those are the programs that pay us caregivers (spouses, family or hires) to provide care at home. They were only available to Medicaid recipients, but that net may have widened. I know if you are not a Medicaid family, they may be able to provide assistance with your insurance expenses, beyond that though, I can't find any information as to whether or not they will help financially by paying in home caregivers.

Shared by: Dorothy Cassidy
Fort Fairfield, Maine

Caring for my husband fourteen years from a stroke is getting me down...he can only say a few words and has difficulty walking. His one arm is very crippled. He really works hard at bathing and dressing himself. However, a very lonely life. Fourteen years.

Shared by: David Ledoux
Fall River MA

My father just died and now my mother is so lonely. He did everything for her how do I help her move on dealing with the lost of her closes companion. I'm afraid something will happen to her. I can't lose my mother.

Shared by: Ruby Collier
North Carolina

I have been caring for my mother-in-law for about 23 years now. She is often violent when she does not want to change clothes/diaper, bathe, or have medication applied. She has recently developed some bedsores and I have had to hold her down to apply the ointment as well as endure scratches and cursing whenever I do anything for her. Do you have any advice about managing her anger or suggestions about how I can get her to cooperate more readily. She was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder in 1991, but is currently on no medication and I feel that she is much more capable than she wants to admit.

Shared by: Deborah Perez
Oakley, CA

My husband is currently my caregiver. I was diagnosed with MS and he takes care of me, I do currently work but he does everything else for me and house hold. Is there any financial check he could receive due to my MS?

Shared by: Nilsa Barnes
Navarre FL

I am taking care of my 83 year old mom with dementia. She have started to shake in the last few months on legs and know the body. Today I came home she was with my husband and I went to check on her but she was falling a sleep in the chair forward as she has never done and very confuse as I smell because when I have migraines my smell increase I smell poop and she was when I got her up the chair was wet and she was dirty. It was strange because she is really clean and even take a bath 2 time a day and in day she clean a lot.

Shared by: Audrey Brantley

I need suggestions and ideals on caring for my husband who has Parkinson's Disease since 2010. The disease is progressing and I have retire to be home with him. Any help, suggestions, ideals is greatly appreciate.

Shared by: Misty Stephens
Fort Wayne, IN

To the woman leaving the comment on 1/24/14
(with regards to the MS and difficult living situation):
I am not sure what state you're in but in Indiana, Ohio, Rhode Island and Mass there are waivers available that will allow caregivers to live in the home and receive financial assistance.

To Sandra Webster:
Memory books are fantastic for people such as your mother, gather photos. I worked with a gentleman that asked me to take pictures of his old neighborhood. Try and reminisce during your visits and just hug her as often as you can!

Caregiving, especially when it's someone you never thought you'd be caring for is difficult. I applaud you all! I know it seems thankless some days.

Shared by: Ruth Reyes

Use "Light Therapy" for the fall and winter months. Its great for seniors and just people in general that have to stay home for one reason or another.

Shared by: Joanne

My husband recently passed away and I cared for him at home for 4 1/2 yrs. He was non-ambulatory, had a feeding tube and for the last 2+ yrs, a trach. Despite this, we did fine except for the constant stress of dealing with DME vendors, insurance co and some medical providers. Having to always worry about not getting the things I needed for him was debilitating. Yet all I ever hear about is how tired and burned out I must be and in need of a night out or a vacation! I stayed with my husband about 18 hrs/day when he was in hospital (no admissions for past 27 months) not only to attend to hygiene and skin care needs, but also to summon help as needed. Everyone who is telling caregivers to de-stress should instead focus on the sources of stress within the medical/health industry! One of the worst examples was when drs and nurses would exclaim (in 2 different hospitals) that they had never seen anyone whose skin was in such perfect condition. Yet unless I did all his changing and bathing myself and use all my own skin products, he was in danger of breaking down whenever he was hospitalized. Plus, I shouldn't have to fight to get him an appropriate mattress or wait for broken skin in the hospital.

So, what I needed and didn't get, at least not without prolonged battles, was insurance coverage information, a responsive dr and DME providers who provided what he needed (and had coverage for) without bait and switch techniques.

What I got and didn't need was everyone telling me I need a rest. I have all the time in the world now that he's gone and I miss him terribly.

Shared by: Home Care Aid

To Silvia in Downey:
You need a Hoyer until the amputee can transfer themselves. I don't know if you can rent one if you only need it temporarily. I would contact my local medical supply store. I think these can be purchased used as well.

You are going to destroy your back if continue to try to lift this person. You will be lifting this person in/out of the bed and then on/off the toilet, at least once a day. That is once a day too many. Have the individual use a bed pan to toilet themselves until they are able to transfer themselves to the toilet.

I cannot stress this enough, you are going to DESTROY YOUR BACK if you continually try to transfer a person who cannot help you with the transfer. It is really bad on your back even if they can help. Plus you run the risk of dropping the individual you are trying to transfer.

You sound like you need home help. If the amputee is on Medicare, as his/her social worker about the "Waiver Program" I care for an individual who has MS, Medicare pays me to do so.

Shared by: Sandra Webster
Calgary, Alberta, Canada

I have an elderly mother, 83, who was diagnosed bipolar 30 years ago. She has recently been placed in a Nursing home, after being in the psych ward in hospital for one year. She is in a deep depression. No drugs worked for her, and shock treatments are ongoing and help a little. Some of her coping mechanisms, or reactions to her drugs, not sure which, are constant rocking and humming. Her depression has also caused her to believe she can't chew or digest regular food. So she has lost 50 pounds, and is on a pureed diet, but dislikes it. I am now on an anti-depressant myself. I'm finding my visits with my mother, whom I absolutely adore, and have had an excellent relationship with all my life, emotionally draining. I am only visiting her once a week now, but what can I do to make those visits less draining for me, and more beneficial for her? Any suggestions?

Shared on: 1/24/2014

Help me! My mother has MS and this past July she fell and broke her leg. She was in rehab for all of the summer and was then moved to a nursing home where she begged me to take her home. So i felt bad and I did so in the meantime I had to quit my job because she needs constant care. I'm almost 30 and I absolutely have no life I know that sounds selfish but I've been taking care of her practically my whole life but now she can't walk. I have to do everything for her. Right now were living with my boyfriend and it has been draining on our relationship and I'm out of work and we only have one income. I need to go back to work but I also can't leave my mom alone and she refuses for anyone to help her. She thinks I can do this alone and I really can't. I cry all the time. I'm so tired and burnt out. I don't know what to do.

Shared by: Cam

Recently joined the primary caregivers club. My dad passed at 90 he was a big help with my mom. It allowed me some freedom. So I am now trying to hire caregivers and establish a schedule that allows me some downtime and not place me in the poor house. How is it that Medicare manages not to cover or assist in coverage for caregiving. Have'nt we payed into this all these years. After reading the posts I know I am blessed and can carry on. caregiving is not for the faint of heart, but you do what you have to do. Sometimes you can feel so alone but its nice to know their is a world out there just a keystroke away I wish you all patience strength endurance and wisdom be blessed.

Shared by: Helen Huxford
Los Angeles, CA

If my uncle has safety rails put in his home due to he had a fall in his bathroom and ended up in the hospital. Can he send that bill to medicare?

Shared by: Wanda Roberts
Montgomery, Alabama

May sure you hug an tell your love how much you still love them . Make them a part of your live at all time . I carry my husband a lot of place with me so what people look at us an talk . When you really love someone an become there caretaker the love like I still have is there so I learn to deal with the good and bad night an day. Live with Lewy bodies dementia at the age of 53 is not easy for us . My husband work hard no days off some year ,any sell his vacation for money for college for son . Son try to help but work three job to take care of his family an sick 3year old son!

Shared by: Lane
Yonkers, NY

To Amy in Indiana:
The first thing to make sure of, is that his doctor's orders are current. A 16 y/o is rapidly growing and may need to be checked up to 5 or 6 times a day. The second, is he eating properly? - he should have breakfast at home, lunch may need to be monitored to ensure he is eating. Depending on the school and amount of students, the nurse may not be able to do this, he may need to eat in health office (not advisable, as it's hard enough to "be diff class="left"erent") so a staff member/lunch aide may need to "log" what he eats, and if he is a difficult eater, he may need to get his insulin AFTER he eats - the school food service should have a CARBOHYDRATE list each month to use in the calculations. 3rd, as there are MANY different pumps available, it may be possible to get an inservice from the company. the nurse can call the doctors office and tell them: "I do not know how to use this pump" "I need an inservice from your sales rep or from your office"...If the nurse is met with resistance, it must be documented to the health dept of the school district. Depending on state/local laws in Indiana, he may be entitled to an aide or nurse at school. Also sounds like he needs to be checked before coming home - Is parent providing juice and snacks and other supplies? lol - I could go on, but these are my first thoughts - good luck!

To Carol in Michigan:
I would strongly advise seeking legal help in regards to your brother taking care of your dad depending on your fathers assets, your brother can probably be given some money - specially if he gave up or took a leave from a job if there are other siblings, it's always better to have it legal, to prevent accusations later good luck

To Marilyn in Witchita, KS:
You must set some guidelines and change the locks if necessary if this is your home too, and you are the primary caretaker, you do not have to be "barged in on" whenever they please. That being could use it to your advantage and leave the house...go to a movie, a mall, walk in the park, and exercise class, lunch with a friend maybe a set time could be arranged ahead, which can be flexible let them be there by themselves - put a lock on your private area if you feel they will snoop...the criticism is really that they prob know they either should do more, or just frustration. I went through this a bit, and would turn it around saying "I understand your point but..." or "what do you think would be best" and deep breathing!! good luck!

Shared by: Debbie Maclean
San Diego

If you have a computer, you tube has some videos. Type on google: double amputee transfer. Also, it depends are their ability to help you. If they have upper body strength, a trapeze over the bed can help. But for you alone, it's really hard. Make your surfaces as smooth and close together to slide from place to place but so much easier with two people, holding hands like a cradle and scoop them up.

Shared by: Silvia Jimenez

Can some give me tips on how to transfer a double amputee from bed to chair and toilet, I am looking for any sort of help please.

Shared by: Debbie Maclean
San Diego

To Timi Ridgway in answer to your question:
You have to start with his primary care doctor. Manipulating everything through the Dr. you get results.

Shared by: Stephanie
Jonesboro, Georgia

To ALL the caregivers,
I want to say thank you for showing love to an aged parent or a child or just someone who is in need of care. No that the work we are doing, yes I am a caregiver too my mom has Dementia since 2010 it's not going unnoticed. The God of ALL COMFORT sees, hear all things he is taking note of all our hard works and sacrafices.Please read with me Proverb 15:3 it certainly says GOD is taking notice of our hard works. For sons mainly who has steppex p to take care of mom and dad,or maybe you are doing your share, for the parent single or married who love their children to take care of them, to the ONLY Child who has to what he or she can, to the caregiver who has sibilings but there is NO HELP from other familiy memebers to the one wwho is a caregiver professionally or by trade what ever may be the situation, our HEAVENLY FATHER know each ones deeds and he will reward you and me for displaying kindness, love, patience he will bless the efforts of the caregive who are genuine from the heart.When the load is heavy P.U.S.H PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPEN that something is more faith, strength,more,patience and most of all a blessing Psalms 55:22,Isaih 41:10 Philipians 4:6,7 May the Holy Scriptures be comforting to All caregivers and may the Holy Scriptures be SOOTHING to your hearts down to your soul.

Shared by: Timi Ridgway
Hotsprings, AR

My dad gets a check to pay my mother to care for him, she is now in a nusing home. I uprooted my adopted newphew and moved in with him to care for him and get him to his appointments, being he is homebound. I didnt know how impossible it would be, he hates me, not him his disease. The councelors dont seem to listen to me or take notes or bring him in for an appt. Where do i start? He has alzheimers, dementia, cancer, leuchemia, replaced knee, hip, eye surgeries and countless other problems. Hes homebound and still drives where im affraid with extreme violent temp he may hurt himself or others. Please tell me where to go next. His case worker says she cant make him come in. Unbelievable!

Shared by: Carol Davie
New Hudson, Michigan

Looking for ideas to help assist my 50 year old brother, financially, who had to move in with my terminally ill dad.

Shared by: MaryAnne Heard
Toronto, Ontario

I heard there is a special tax credit we can apply for when we take in our senior parent instead of putting them in a home.
Where do I apply please

Shared by: Sylvia Head
Columbus, Georgia

Get copies of the Patient's Medical Records, including Lab Results and Notes as soon as possible in order to make corrections, AND attend ALL Care Plan Meetings to become enlightened to any concerns and become aware of procedure changes. *<\;-{).

Shared by: Bob Boyer
San Clemente, CA


Shared on: 12/09/2013

Does anyone know where I would start paperwork in getting payment in caring for my parents? I really don't like to get any monies from their retirement income.

Shared by: PT

Any advice on starting a caregiver biz? What licenses and insurance is required? Thnx for any suggestions.

Shared by: Dianna Grimm
Pittsburgh PA

I recently in march took my 11 year old cousin in after her mother passed of kidney failure and drug addiction. I do receive $353.00 a month in survivor benefits. I am not working due to the time and therapy she needs for a proper recovery for her passed loved one and give her the oppurtunity to succeed in life. I also have a Boy of my own to raise. I am single and in need of help. Does anyone know where I can start or go to get help?

Shared by: Sean
Cincinnati, ohio

How can I get help with taking care of my Dad? I've been the main caretaker for 4+ years, with almost no help from family.

Shared by: Sherry
Jefferson City, MO

I do private home health care, will not work for an agency. This is hard for you, I can tell. Can you hire someone to help you.

Shared by: Teresa

When your female patient needs a bath and can't walk and you only have one female to help and one male (unrelated); Allow the male caregiver to help the female caregiver into the shower with clothes still on and then the female caregiver can help remove the clothes and help the patient bathe properly and safely while sitting. Simple but sometimes as new caregivers with no training, you just don't think about it right away. This no way no need for the patient to go without bathing/sitting shower.

Shared by: LOUISE


Shared by: Jeannie Taylor

If u have a family member that needs a caregiver can they be paid without bringing in an outsider to be the caregiver? She is on Medicare and TenCare in the state of Tennessee.
Thank you, Jeannie

Shared by: Katrina Jackson
Orange County

I am a low income mother looking for programs that can help assist/pay me for taking care of my sick mother. Thank you

Shared by: Frank Melton
Bowling Green, KY

Ask the motel about where there handicap parking is located. Most motels somehow get exceptions, and put the handicap parking downhill, so you have to walk out in traffic to get to the front door, or don't have access aisles. One motel we stayed in recently had a bench in the shower that was not put together right, and sloped down in front. The shower had the soap dish in the other end of the shower from the bench. Another had a shower that allowed the water to go out onto the bathroom floor, which made it slick. Ask a lot of questions to make them think about what a handicap person needs

Shared by: Marilyn
Wichita, KS

What rights do a live in caregiver have, a daughter, to privacy from siblings visiting unannounced and respect from them and their adult children who criticize me and get down right aggressive?

Shared by: Diane

I feel she will be best in a nursing home. With all the care she needs and her high fall rate she will not get the 24/7 care she requires in a living assistance program

Shared by: Hattie

You must have a set schedule. That makes it easier on you and on you loved one.

Shared by: Joyce
Woodbridge, VA

My Spouse is at the moment getting an aid from the County 3 time a week (15 Hours). I am at home with him 24/7. I lost my job 4 years ago when he was discharged from Hospital. A suggestion was made to me that I enquire about long term care and me being the aid which will allow me to be paid for the aid assistance. We are not citizens yet but have applied. We live with my daughter and son-in-law. Please advise me. Thank you

Shared by: Ann
North Richland Hills,TX

I'm sorry this is not a tip but a request. I'm a caregiver and I my self have a mental disorder. I love my job but am finding it hard to work doing this like of work Would it be in all all best interest if I find a different job??? Please any advice to help. thanks so much. Ann

Shared by: Connie

My Mother is 85 years old and broke her Hip, Shoulder, and Elbow in one fall this last May. I'm glad to report she is my "Come Back Kid" and is doing well. One of the things I do for her is her Manicures. I could take her to get her nails done, but I find it therapeutic for both of us to take the time to give her the manicure myself. There is something special about the time we have together and when I am fileing or painting her nails we are holding hands. Precious and healing is the touch of a loved one.

Shared by: Georgette

ANYONE taking care of a loved one who needs help should contact the Area Agency on Aging. Through them my mom has been placed into a daycare program that helps her social skills and my sanity. Of course, since I work a full time job, I am never home without her unless I schedule a day off. This makes it difficult to do things like clean her room or spend time with my 13 yr old. Another program is project lifesavers. This program puts a bracelet on the patient with a GPS tracking device. The Sheriff comes and changes batteries periodically and it provides great peace of mind. In some places it is even FREE. God Bless all of you who are out there trying so hard, facing frustration and hardships. Don't feel defeated, brush yourself off, get up and treat yourself to a much needed break.

Shared by: Innovative Living Homecare
Exton PA
Time: 09:25 AM


We are providing care services for a quadriplegic who needs to be turned every 2 hours while sleeping at night. Caregivers can fall asleep sometimes and need to be woken up if this ever happens. Is there a device/technology that can be used (outside of baby monitor to alert the caregiver to wake up! Some kind of remote contact buzzing device will be excellent. Thoughts??

Shared by: Sandy
Yuba City, CA

Caregivers must take care of themselves. Must keep certifications, licenses, and other online or offline education current.

Shared on: 10/23/2013

I am looking for someone to stay with me, before, during and after knee replacement surgery. Do a bit of cooking, cleaning and take me places like dr, store pharmacy. You would have your own bedroom and Bath, And somesalary if interested contact me at Thanks

Shared by: Karen
Greensboro, NC

My mother is in denial that I need help as her caregiver and I am severely burned out. She refuses to get help, allow anyone to help, or believes that I need to get away. what to do?

Shared by: Mistreated

A Veteran who is homebound because of a illness and it does have to be service related may qualify for Aid & attendance pension. This pension caters to the caregiver. Take advantage of all the resources, I filed for my dad he had alz, I was caregiver however, my mom was his POA for health careand wouldn't meet with va careproviders to plan his care. We missed out on Respite care, training for Caregiver, caregiver support AND I JUST found OUT the VA would supply MEDICAL COVERAGE for the CAREGIVER if they don't have it. Unfortunately I found a week after my Dad passed ( aug 16, 2013) Before he passed va supplied his hospital bed, ramps and bathroom rails at no charge. At the last 6 mos a NP and MD stopped by our home and to assist. So check the wartimes and if the vet served apply now it will help. SADLY.....I left employement and my apartment over 4 yrs ago to help my parents. My mom as AMD legally blind. I am being kicked to the curb via a eviction notice. I didn't receive any of the VA pension or compensation from any sibling, life ins. zilch. I over 50 single tired and homeless. I pawned belongings to stay in a motel tonite.

Shared by: Sue
Chesterfield, VA

My Mom, who has dementia and lives with my husband and I, loves animals. Throughout the day I show her YouTube videos of animal antics that makes her smile and laugh. I often take photos of our pets and print them off for her to look at. She may not remember the specifics, but the feel-good emotion of happiness stays with her all day and helps her to get a good night's sleep.

Shared by: Konchita
Laredo TX

What to do to avoid someone with early dementia to continue driving.

Shared by: Cathy

Answering the question of why to call you home care business, how about Merci, or mreci beaucoup. I am new here, and have read some of your stories and tips graciously taking them to heart. I'm taking care of my 83 year old mother who.has dementia. She is like an infant on the wrong schedule, awake at nights. I have a restaurant with my husband and it's very busy, and demanding. I work 6 days 10-3, but in two or three hours it's like working nine, that's how busy we are. I've recently had to hire. A aide to come while I'm at work, mother needs help bathing, walking and eating. She probably sleeps all day, so at night she's awake. I get 2-3 hours of sleep at night, I'm exhausted. I try to take a nap but some one else comes home and I wake. My three kids live at home still, 28,22,17. School and working. The problem I have is losing my patience with her cause I'm exhausted, no sooner I fall asleep and she needs to get changed, by the way she won't sleep in bed, I bought a baby monitor, but she got out of bed and went down the steps herself, she doesn't have good balance, already fel down the steps going up them, wound up in care one for a month. Came home in July and I've been sleeping on the sofa since( horrible for my own relationship with husband). Last night I couldn't take it anymore, and screamed at her, I feel horrible, it was the eve of my holiday, the holiest of my religion , Islam. Of all nights this is the night that God forgives us of our sins, even as I was yelling I knew this. And I knew it was wrong, not just by God but even in my soul! It's very frustrating, I'm angry with my brothers, they don't even call, since I told them she was being moved from hospital to care facility , then to husband tells me to call them, I tried one brother, said he would visit, still hasn't two weeks ago, only lives an hour away. I know we all have busy lives but I think mine is a little more. They leave their work at work, I can't do that I'm in my own business that's open seven days a.week, when someone calls out I have to go in, besides taking care of her 7 days a week. I can barely go to the store, I have to threaten her and scare her about falling, so she don't get up and walk around. I'm sorry I guess I just need to vent. Husband has more patience then me, always reminds me that it's my duty, to her and God, that's why God chose me and not my brothers, constantly tells me to forgive them, I don't know if I can, it's very hard, I'm crying right now in mixed emotions, I don't know what to do. Does seem wrong for me to maybe lock her in her room. I need sleep, i feel I'm going to have a nervous breakdown sometimes. She doesn't get Medicaid cause I have to deplete her money till she has just 1300.00 a month to qualify. The aide I have is so nice, but she is expensive 450 a week from 9-3 under the table. If I get Medicaid , would they allow me to keep her for my mothers care?

Shared by: Nicole

I have a question a elderly man asked me to take care of him he lives in a nursing home right now.. but i wanted to kno if i had to be certified to take care of him.. he fell a few months back but hes fine now.. please help i need answers

Shared by: Deb

This isn't a tip.... but a message for ALL YOU CARE GIVERS out there. God bless you all for sacrificing your time to be so caring and selfless. Care giving is the hardest job in the world, but God chose you to take care of your loved one because you are the only one that can do the job right. ONE DAY LIFE WILL BECOME EASIER, and you will be richer for the countless days that you were always right there to take care of the sick and the elderly. Remember...Life isn't measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. God bless all care givers!

Shared by: PWE


Shared by: Francisco Estrella

I worked with an Alzheimer's client for almost eight years and he learned and enjoyed to whistle, sing and dance shortly after I started working with him. I was told he was not a dancer but I knew he loved chocolates so I would tell him he won a chocolate for best dancer, his dancing was me just rocking him back and forth in my arms as we stood, so I started whistling and he started imitating most of the times he would only blow out air but he was just as happy as if he were whistling. I also clapped whenever he finished dancing or singing and he learned to also clap and give hugs and pats on my back (something he did on his own) towards the end it was very difficult for him to bear weight but i got some priceless hugs and back rubs and one "I ove u" from him even though he had not spoken for over a year and a half. Any type of engagement will make a connection although not always as we expected but most where positive. Just holding him while we sat and watched TV or listed to books on cds made a world of a differences he connected and responded in his own little way sometimes he would rest his head on my shoulders and other he would completely turn his head the other way like saying not know, please leave me alone. But the most important thing I was able to do for him was help him conserve his dignity for some reason it was always very important for him to use the restroom and on his death bead after being in hospice for over three years he refused to have a BM in bed he fidgeted and moaned and groaned for over three hour and I knew he had to go I could see it. I keep telling him to go that it was ok, by this stage in his illness it was very unsafe for me to get him up but I had to do it’s what he wanted so I told him I would get him to the commode and as soon as he sat down he let it all out with a sigh of relieve which I rarely saw in him, I got him back to bed he fell to sleep like a baby :) and passed away a few days later. A lot of the others care givers he had always gave him pain medication when he got this way as much as I explained the signs he would use to informer us that he needed to use the restroom I don't believe they were ever able to understand him. He was aware to the very end of BMS and if nothing ales I feel he was conscious of his dignity till the day he died. Do not under estimate the ability to have a dignified BM probably one of the last things anyone wants to lose control over. Pease always toiled them whenever possible and safety allows, they will thank you in their own way.

Shared by: BD

One of the most under used doctors for seniors are Geriatric Psychiatrists. They are doctors that specialize with patients who have Alzheimer's, Dementia, etc. My mother's doctor diagnosed my mother 4 years ago and turned her life around by prescribing the correct mix of medication to first lift and treat her treat Depression, which she deals with now. He also monitors the progression of her Alzheimer's and hasn't adjusted her medication in two years. I don't even know these doctors existed until my friend told me about them. Highly recommend you find one in your area asap. Best move I ever made. P.S. He has also become my Psychiatrist and treating me for my Depression as the caregiver for my mother

Shared by: Mell
Kent Wash

Taking care of someone is tough but just put yourself in there position and you might find it better, like the man says walk a mile in there shoes.

Shared by: Sherryl Cm
Orange County, CA

Susan from Boston? I feel you need some help. Here are some numbers for the offices on aging in Boston. Not knowing where you are, they will direct you to the proper office: Area Agency on Aging (800)544-5242, MA and Area Agency on Aging, (508) 675-2101, 1 Father Devalles Blvd, #8, Fall River, MA 02723 Here in California we have an orange county 211 number that has access to many non-profit companies who provide no-fee or low-fee assistance and may be able to help with your ramp. Churches too, sometimes provide assistance. Our local community colleges have incredible nursing programs and it may be worthwhile to contact their instructor to see if part of their volunteer program can be used in your household. More phone calls, I know but I think they may be able to help you or set you in the right direction. Talk to your dad's doctors. Tell them you need help. They should also be able to provide information. And to Susan in Illinois regarding your post to Susan in Boston: It was incredibly disheartening to read your post. Not everyone shares the same emotions when caring for a family member. She didn't say she didn't love her father. She expressed her frustration about the situation and looking for support. I feel your "shame on you" post was irrational, unthinkingly harsh and misdirected and misguided.

Shared by: KJ

To Susan in Boston, In the past with both my Father and Uncle who were both kept at home to live instead of homes, we found that TEXAS CATHS, OR CONDOM CATHS were the answer and it is not something that a medical pro needs to insert or remove, and these slip on caths do not carry the increased risk of UTIs as long as they are properly applied and the area is cleaned regularly. It can be used intermittently for those times when you know you cannot do a complete change or when going to and from appts as well as overnite. They are also more acceptable to the men as it is NON INVASIVE.... I have been in health care for over 30 years starting with candystriping and on to VA and then home care for loved mother is the real hero and came up with safe tricks in patient care that SHOULD BE TAUGHT TO OUR YOUNG C.N.A.s...(my mom is a teeny tiny woman age 75 and until her oldre brother passed she MOSTLY SINGLE HANDEDLY did complete care. my uncle was a large man,blind,didnt walk, stand or really even turn in bed so she could change him ) if any of this helps any one out there it would make me glad.

Shared by: Jessica Loya
Houston Texas

I need help please! My brother n law was shot not log ago and the is in a wheel chair now. They say he is Paralyze from his waist down but he feels lots of pain in his legs. Here is where I need help in my heart he will be able to walk again we just need to get him the care and therapy he deserves. Who can I call to get this information. I need someone to help me fast. I feel like he is very depressed as well and may do something to himself. Please someone anyone help me.

Shared by: Deb

To Susan in Boston
I feel for you and your situation. I'm a full time caregiver for my Mom, and she also has many issues with fluid retenton and takes lasiks. It's been a tough road... and others don't understand that it is full time work. My mother has been very sick for the past 8 months with congestive heart failure, and in and out of hospital and rehabs... she is so precious to me and I've een blessed to ha e her this long (she's 88), but quite often it's a struggle. I work full time, and have a special needs child and although we have pca help.. it's sf ill so hard. Mom's been living with us for 8 years and we have very little down time for a day off or vacations. Susan you are not alone....many of us are experiencing the same thing.

Shared by: Christina Reaves
Wadley, Alabama

Vets who need full time caregiver and vet spouses can qualify for VA program called Aid and Attendant. No, you don't have to be certified. It is to help pay for the needs and rising cost to vets such as a caregiver living with them. It is added to the check they already receive. Just google VA aid and attendant or go to local VA office they will help you completely...

Shared by: D K Johnson

I get the large size of plastic wrap and place it over containers before applying the lids. Keeps foods fresher and makes opening the lids A LOT EASIER for Mom.

Shared by: D K Johnson
United States

I use plastic shoe boxes to "organize" items in tthe refrigherator - then it's easy to grab a shoebox and take it's contents to the conter with no spilling. Helps a lot since Mom has Vertigo and it limits 'bending". It's a lot safer. Nothing gets "stuck' in the back of the frig". One box has veggies and one has meats, another one has desserts etc.

Shared by: Deaniel P.

Express your feelings and emotions without fear or guilt. Find a way to get the words out so they don't stay bottled and implode. Two years ago my mother had a stroke leaving her upper right side paralized. She still tries to do things that are no longer safe. After 4 days of falling and numerous visits from the hospice nurses, I was so frustrated because there was nothing I could do to make her use the cane or wheelchair. I expressed my feelings in a poem, said some prayers and went to see my therapist. That was this morning.

Falling Away
By Deaniel Plumley - October 3rd, 2013
Falling, falling, tripping and falling.
Cane, wheelchair, caregiver - no matter…
Falling, falling, tripping and falling.
Anger, frustration, tears, finally empathy - no matter…
Falling, falling, tripping and falling.
Floor, furniture, walls - no matter…
Falling, falling, tripping and falling.
I pick you up and carefully set you down - no matter…
Falling, falling, tripping and falling.
Bandages, blood, bruises, fractures and stitches - no matter…
Falling, falling, tripping and falling.
One day, one last time,
I pick you up and gently set you down - it does matter…
Now, there can be no more falling, falling, tripping and falling.

I love you, Mother. You have always been such a strong and independent woman. Seeing you stubbornly fight for independence as your body weakens is very difficult and heartbreaking. I can’t even imagine how you must feel when seemingly simple tasks are now dangerous or impossible. You are not alone, let us help you. You don’t have to fall.

Shared by: Katherine Zant

I have just moved in with my mom after hip surgery. We have purchased a hospital bed for her but they don't have rails on the side from foot to head just at the head and she tries to get out at night when she wakes up.She keeps me up all night because she is restless in her sleeping does anyone have any ideas of what to put up on the sides that are open to keep her in bed? We have looked at kids sides u can put on twin beds to keep toddlers in but they are to big for the hospital bed. Has anyone come up with a great fix to this problem?

Shared by: Anita
Barnstable, MA

My mother doesn't pay attention taking her meds, she is very combative, and will not follow simple directions, but she is mentally fluid. She has diabetes, and now just had a minor TIA. Her home health aide buys her éclairs and we can not stop her because she hired her. She just came home from a three days in the hospital because of the TIA and she is defiant because she still taking éclairs even though she just was told her artery is 70% blocked in her neck. She is in her mid eighties. We do not want to place her in a nursing home because we promised her she will stay at home as long as she ambulatory, which she still is, thank God. We are trying to respect her dignity but it is now out of hand. It is total madness living in the house. She will not wash, prefers to stay in soiled clothes. She says she doesn't want to be a bother???? A hell of lot of control issues and very combative. She will not follow any order or sense of activities for daily living. Does anyone have any insight and recommendations? Please HELP!!!

Shared by: Tami Harpke

How can family learn I need as a permanently disabled adult that medications doctors say is necessary for me when they will not! They say they know more than doctors. Feel isolated, as well as discriminated, constantly yelled at and put down, also a burden to them. I am believing they are right although I have had a very traumatic past. I am scared! I love them

Shared from: Florida

For Ryan who is looking for housing alternatives for his father; see if Personal Care Homes are able to be licensed in the Bay Area and where you may find them. In many states people can be licensed to care for up to 3 people in their home, provide housing, meals, etc. without a license. For over 3 people they need a license, but the bonus is the family type environment that is provided. You can always look into a Life Line type of device for him to wear in the home, that he can press if he were to need emergency help. Call the local hospital and see what company they work with for a home alert system. If they do not do that Google: Phillips Life Line Alert. A number of options will come up for similar services. Many don't require a contract. That is the route I would go to try it, if you think it would help. Good luck.

Shared by: Ryan L.
San Jose CA

My father suffered a stroke a couple months ago and is still in the process of learning to walk again. I am trying to find him a place in the Bay Area where he can have more independent living. There would need to be someone on call that could help him in a emergency. But besides that he seems to be doing OK by himself. Most places that I found are for seniors and are very expensive. Does anyone have any ideas? Any help at all would be appreciated

Shared by: Mary
Foxboro MA

Looking to find caring person to help out young girl who has a domestic violence case foreclosed on home and needs some assistance as soon as possible the wait for housing is long list she just needs help with rental assiantance and has a boy in school and can't seem to get help right away if any one out there has a heart it would be appreciated if we could find her some funds to move on.

Shared by: Brenda

I am a full time caregiver to an 85yr old elderly friend that now lives with me. He is a retired vet. He has medicare and tricare for life. Does anyone know if I have to be a license caregiver to be paid by his insurance? Or where I can find this information for NC?

Shared by: Richard
Western Michigan

If a state wants to take your home prior to providing care for your loved one, investigate getting a LADYBIRD deed to protect your home. My sister and I did that and prevented Michigan from taking our home.

Shared by: Joy Fox
Victoria BC

My husband is in an advanced stage of Parkinson's. he exercises on a treadmill in the garage. He really wanted to go swimming but I knew this would be impossible for him and for me to manage. I found a Kinesologist at the local swimming pool who is now giving him private lessons in the pool - at present it is just keeping his balance in the water and he is making good progress so we will continue with the lessons. He may never get back to swimming but this program has given him hope. It is good for me too because I get to go in free as his caregiver and I can swim some lengths in the big pool while he is having his lessons in the shallow pool. He also wanted to get back to lifting weights and he used to use his bench to lift weights. I had put it away to discourage him as I thought it would be dangerous to do this. I asked a friend to set up the bench and weights up again and my husband quickly realized those days were gone. As an incentive I set up a padded seat with hand weights so that he can sit and do some upper body exercises. This is working well and the bench press and weights have gone to a new home.

Shared by: Julie

My sister and I are the main care givers for our mom who has dementia, congestive heart failure and other health issues that are being maintained with medications from the doctors. She gets around with a walker, though very slow due to the arthritis in her knee. Her feet are swollen, and we use a wheelchair when we take her out of the house. We have several siblings, but don't want to discuss them. It is really hard because we can only be there at lunch and dinner. We have created a schedule (for all the siblings living in town) for someone to be there every day at lunch and every evening at dinner and makes sure she eats and gets her pills. The primary issues are the phone calls. She will call, leave a message that she is confused on what is happening today please call me or in tears saying she is so lonely what am I supposed to do. Then she will immediately call back and say the same thing or just hang up and call again. This can happen anywhere from 4 - 15 calls in 5 - 10 minutes. Then it may start over again later in the day. This goes on all day every day. We cannot answer the phone every time. Her Geriatric doctor tells us that this is always worse on the caregiver, because she won't remember she has done it. Sometimes I feel really guilty for not answering but after 2 or 3 calls, I know what she is going to say and I just have to ignore the call, though it doesn't make it any better for me. It eats at me and I don't know what to do to lessen the anxiety on my part. She constantly prays as she painfully walks around the house. She has always been very active and never sat for any length of time. So this is very hard on her as she won't just sit and watch TV and put her feet up. I don’t know how to help her or help myself. Any Advice?

Shared by: Kathy Genga
Groron conn.

Advice please, at what point do you give notice ?? The family I work for as a live in feel I was wrong to ask for a day off,also, shes 94 and Im with her 24/7 the dr persribed an anxiety pill and the son wont let me use it, are you kidding me. I feel I am being taking advantage of. They wont get a bed alarm they said because Im here they wont get a baby monitor either, there making it hard to give good safe care all

Shared by: Kathy Genga
Groron CT

I am a live caregiver for an 94y.o. woman with the first stages of dementia. I find that posting large notes in bold writing around the house helps even for that day, she reads them each day as its her first time seeing them.

Shared by: Kristine

To Susan from Boston. Reach out to the National MS Society chapter in your area. They can help you with referrals, educational programs and a support group. They also have a 24 hour help line.

Shared by: Susan

To Susan from Boston: Shame on you! I was the caregiver for both of my parents and continued to hold their hands even as they took their last breaths. I lost my Daddy 11/25/12. I lost my brother 2 weeks later on 12/10/12... He hung himself. I feel so bad. I never knew my brother was hurting even worse than me. Our Mama had Alzheimer's and I lost her on 3/19/13. I cry every day... sometimes ALL day, every day. I have another brother that is 58. He wants to be a cowboy when he grows up. He looks forward every year to his birthday and Santa. He was born with the cord wrapped around his neck 3 times and his tongue was fused to the bottom of his mouth and had to be cut free. He is permanently disabled. I continue to take care of him. I lost my parents and my brother; I lost my 3 best friends. Be so thankful for every minute that you have with your loved ones. I'm so sad and so lonely. The state is wanting to take away their home. I can't afford to hire the Elder Law Attorney that could possibly help. I wish I could turn back time. Sometimes you don't realize the best moments of your life until those moments are gone.

Shared by: Love

In Mongolia wheelchair person living very hard condition some of them have not urine bottle they at home without sausepan lid. Some of them using bag it's a liter. Person urine more than a liter.If this bag full out put pot it is real thing. One of my friend has this condition, sometimes i visit her have little smell. Now i decide buy for her urine big bottle but it's made have to plastic do you know any plastic bag website and cheap? I'm student i have not enough money i'll collect my money i have to buy it. Do you know any international help org i also want to change her wheelchair . Her wheelchair is broken and heavy. She 36 years old. If i talk about her I'll write book. Her buttocks to dead. She mostly at home on the bed. I too much worry her living condition

Shared by: Teresa

I need your help I help take care of an older gentleman and there are times he forgets to take his medicine when no one is around. Is there any suggestions. Thank you

Shared by: Cleo

Im a caregiver for my mum 78 who has mobility issues and other health concerns... I moved to her home more than 2 yrs ago when my Dad passed away due to cancer.. My mum said she did not want to live on her own and and asked me generally because I was more reliable than my two brothers... At times it was just too hard work mentally for both my mum and me includes physically at times too for my 2 brothers to be more actively involved when my dad was sick, and when mum had her heart attack when she came home from hospital, I thought everyone would be logical in the process to caring for mum but everything went wrong my mum made my transition from where I lived for 14 yrs to back to the parents home very difficult as well as my brothers... it was like a cinderlla story, mum and two ugly brothers ... happy for me to do what they wanted, but I wasn't and made me feel very uncomfortable living in the home... but if I was to move out I would feel guilty cause there are activities that she cannot do... but my brothers cannot do them for her either I am the only one that can... she likes living in her home but resents me being there. Because im unhappy that my brothers have very little time to see her or just don't make an effort and prefer to have phone calls instead quality visits face to face which upsets me cause they do so little , whereas I've turned my whole life upside down to suit all 3 of em..... now I regret even more than ever to moving , and helping my mum and others when they needed it.... cause everyone says. I made the choice to live with my mum... I should not be upset... whereas cause my brothers don't live with my mum... they are not obligated to visit her..... Yes im trying to de-stress also.... mum says she does not want to sell the house, she threatens me now with if you dont like living here why do you not leave with my 2 dogs... at the start when dad died they were looking after my dogs she said dont take the dogs from her cause they are what got her thru dads death.... its like my life is not balancing well, lots of things keep going wrong.... im not as bad as some here, but im mentally and physically drained at times...

Shared by: Holly

What I find is gentle touch to a hand or shoulder while you are directing them to the next step. Also a very soft and gentle voice while speaking slowly, this calms them and reasures their trust in you. With our elderly we just can't expect speed, they are not going to move any faster weather we are frantic or not. Keep the anxiety to a minimum for you and them. Patience is on the top of the list.

Shared by: Dd

I give my mom morning pills between 430 am and 530 am I seem to catch the pain before she normally wakes up to start her day. I accindently slept in today and gave it to her at 730, she was in a lot of pain :( , make a schedule on when giving her pain pills it seems to circle around that time everyday most days so just give her pain pills at that time regardless if she feels it just so u catch the pain before it happens.

Shared by: Samantha

Laughter is the best medicine! Tell a joke that's right up your clients'/loved ones' alley and see their mood instantly brighten! Keep the grim atmosphere as light as possible! Your emotional assistance is just as crucial as your physical assistance. Even when YOU are having a hard day tell a joke, crack a smile, tease a little bit... Sometimes you have to fake it before you can make it!

Shared by: Marsha
Pittsburgh, PA

My Mother has made arrangements for her care but has not shared them with ALL 4 children. Her recent fractured femur from a fall proved to make me aware that my sister is in CHARGE! I did know she was POA but the position she holds has made her obnoxious towards me & my brother. She's over controlling and has made the dynamics more clear only through this recent difficulty. She seems to want to handle it all, wants us to know that she knows best and if she needs help she'll let us know I GUESS. I'm a nurse but that means NOTHING obviously. I have already begun to resent her and my Moms choice may not have been the best but it certainly is her right to make that choice. I just wish it were all more clear because I don't really know my position clearly. It's best to talk with all children before something happens but obviously she only talked with my sister and possibly to my brother. I feel like an outsider and it seems as if my sister is enjoying this. How would anyone else handle this? Need some good advice.

Shared by: Lori

Hi Gloria, I have adult son recently disabled mentally. Also 91 year old Alzheimer mother in my home who is total care. Does son get medicaid or SSI? Can he go to a group home? I have the same concerns. With Alzheimers there are a lot of resources, with young adults not much. Respond and we can see how to help each other.

Shared by: Gloria

Hi. I have seen many tips and services for caregivers of parent(s) or spouses but nothing for a parent who is a caregiver to their adult, disabled child. My resources are dwindling and I don't know what to do. Does anyone know of any financial assistance out there for parents in my situation??? Help, Please.

Shared by: Sparky

I spoke to my lawyer and was told that srs could not take all of my wife's social security and retirement. The srs said they will take all of her money. I'll be homeless unless I can all the house?

Shared by: Sparky

I'm very depressed, my wife has Alzheimer's. She will be in a nursing home at some point. I still owe on our home, so when the state puts her on Medicaid and her money, I'll be left with $900.00 to live on. I won't survive and will. Have to sell our home. What am I to do?

Shared by: Rose
Dallas TX

joyce: last month you asked about keeping your dad dry... I agree hospice diapers and pad are terrible. What did you end up using?

Shared by: Roberta Powers
Cleveland, Ohio

I have been sole caregiver of my mother for four years. her illness is pulmonary hypertension. She is currently hospitalized and in in need of a skilled nursing facility but due to the high cost of her medication she is being denied care in any nursing facility. Has anyone else encountered this problem.

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