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LET'S TALK ABOUT IT  / Let's Talk Archive /Discussion Forum / Carenotes

Let's Talk

Welcome to Let's Talk About It.  In this special section we will feature the question/topic of the month and provide an opportunity for an interactive exchange that will help find some answers and possible solutions to concerns. If you wish to participate, just follow the link provided at the end of the question/topic and add your comments and thoughts.

Question/Topic for July 2008

Do you ever get angry about your caregiving role? If so how do you handle it?



View Comments


Name: Carol
Location: Michigan
Email:
Date: 07/03/2008
Time: 06:19 AM

Comments

My mother passed away a year ago from Alzheimer's. I was an angry caregiver. Could not figure out how to deal with the anger. I am still angry! Is it ever going to go away?


Name: Jane
Location: Kansas City
Email:
Date: 07/03/2008
Time: 07:39 AM

Comments

Boy! Do I ever get angry! My husband has Alzheimer's and it is hard to watch as he slowly loses his abilities. Reading is gone now, as is telling time. Occasional incontinence has begun. When I ask him to help with a task, I watch closely to see if he is understanding my request. Sometimes his face is blank and it is as if there is a wall up between us through which nothing moves! I hate that - and I know he hates it too. It makes me angry to be losing him bit by bit. When I get angry at his inabilities, I feel guilty and try to remember to be angry at the disease and not the person. But that is hard. I have a good girlfriend whose mother is going through the same things except that her mother is in an assisted living facility. It is helpful to have a companion on this road who can listen but not presume to offer advice. I also attend a support group of other caregivers who know the problems of progressive Alzheimer's disease. What a group of caregivers! If I am struggling with anger, there is always someone there who can help by telling me how they handled the same situation. Ultimately, dealing with anger requires me to recognize my inability to control the situation. Once I recognize that fact, I can look for the things I can control - mostly my attitudes and actions. The way becomes clearer when I work on the things I can control. And somehow, the anger dissipates.


Name: Carolyn
Location: PA
Email:
Date: 07/03/2008
Time: 08:31 AM

Comments

As I find myself becoming frustrated and impatient and angry, I take some deep breaths and remember to include God in my daily plans. I remember it is a privilege to be a servant and that I am doing God's work and I am not to be doing it begrudgingly. I ask God how I can serve HIM better. Then, I take a breather and go outside for some fresh air and enjoys God's creation -- it sights and sounds. I trust in God and remember that HE has everything under control if I just let HIM lead the way.


Name: GINNY
Location: DEPEW,NY
Email:
Date: 07/03/2008
Time: 12:30 PM

Comments

YES, I OFTEN GET ANGRY. BECAUSE THE LORD JESUS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE I START WITH PRAYER. I REMEMBER I DON'T HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING TODAY,THAT I WILL HAVE DAYS THAT ARE BETTER AND THAT I NEED TO TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. I DON'T HESITATE TO TALK TO GOOD FRIENDS AND ASK FOR THEIR PRAYERS TOO.


Name: Nancy
Location: Oklahoma
Email:
Date: 07/03/2008
Time: 04:26 PM

Comments

How would anyone NOT get furious when the person you most looked up to, loved, depended upon and hoped to grow old with is smearing the contents of his Depends all over the powder room. My husband had encephalitis and so it was here today and gone forever. I do love the caring part: washing and cutting his hair, bathing and powdering, putting fresh clothes on and sitting side by side while I watch TV and he dozes. I try to pray, but our Lord's name comes out too loud! I try to take it one day at a time, but it's sooo hard. All my family lives 1800 miles away and he has one daughter here in town but she says it makes her feel bad to sit with him, and his other children might call a couple times a month for a 60 second visit. So I get angry all over again. I don't know how this will end, but I do know that I will judge myself for the rest of my life on how well I can 'do for' him.


Name: Robin
Location: Maryland
Email:
Date: 07/04/2008
Time: 08:00 AM

Comments

I feel anger often these days -- probably more than I feel anything else at this point. I'm angry with the situation, I'm angry at the lack of support and help, I'm angry that I don't have the freedom to leave the house when I want to, yet the other family members continue to come and go as they like. I'm angry that I am the only family member with small children, yet I am also the one who bears the entire responsibility of caring for Dad. I handle it by crying, and then reminding myself that everything is temporary, everything changes, and all I need is the strength to endure. I also remind myself that anger is a part of grieving, and although my loved one is still living, so much of who he used to be is gone, never to return, and I know I am grieving for what is lost.


Name: Liz
Location: Texas
Email:
Date: 07/04/2008
Time: 01:53 PM

Comments

Angry? I don't know if it is anger - maybe just frustrated..and being tired. For almost six years, I have been caring for my now, 96 year old Dad in HIS house. I grew up being close to him, but, now, conversations are rare, as he will not wear his hearing aids. And his understanding of things are not the same as mine. Someone said that they go outside, and I would love to go outside for a walk or to sit and watch the birds. He lives way out in the boondocks where there are no neighbors, and he will not let me keep the grass cut, so there is lots of Poison Ivy of which I am seriously allergic to, as well as snakes. He will not let me do the repairs that are needed. He is not destitute, but says that it doesn't need fixing. That I am a City girl, and this is a country home. I have spent a lot of my money here, and can no longer do that. AS he is not paying me, I am Broke. I lost my husband 12 years ago this month, and my very best friend 2 years ago. I am very lonesome, tired and discouraged. I need someone to talk to! I pray to God for understanding, & help. My doctor says that I need to get away and be with other people. I am active in His Church, but he lives SO far out, people & grandchildren seldom come, and when they do, He controls the conservations with stories, some true and some fiction. The grandkids, play a game of taking turns to listen to him. I have looked & looked for a group where personal conservations & help could be exchanged. Nothing in this very small town.


Name: Mea
Location: California
Email:
Date: 07/05/2008
Time: 12:01 PM

Comments

Mom has lived with us 5 years and on Hospice over 3 years. I am her only caregiver. She is still pretty good(COPD-CHF.) I am also quasi caregiver to her sister, my aunt, who has 3+- months to live. My concern: how I will handle the frustration/anger when they further decline (my aunt has a caregiver at her house but mom wants to be with my aunt since her diagnosis so I go back and forth.) It's hard not to want this over though I know when time is mine again it will mean my mom and aunt will be gone. The feelings are draining. What I do: I go to a caregiver group once a month. It is wonderful to be able to completely be myself there. Also my belief in my Father in Heaven and Lord Jesus gives me peace. I walk and have scriptures on a label stuck to my hand and I read/recite the scripture that feeds my aching soul/mind/heart. They always fill me with hope/peace/comfort (Psalm 94:18-19 and 46:1) (Philippians 4:6 and 8-9) (II Corinthians 1:3 and 7:6.) At night I listen to a soothing CD to go to sleep and if I wake in the night I might turn it back on or immediately start thanking God for little things (bed/roof over my head/etc.) I've learned not to start "thinking" as it will wake me up. However, if I just keep my mind thanking my Lord, I almost always go back to sleep quickly. These things have helped me so very much. I hope they help others. Caregiving is so very difficult, overlooked and unappreciated. All who read this, know you are appreciated so very much. Carol, I don't know if the anger will ever go away, but it will lessen and change. My friend's mom died a year ago of Alzheimer's on the heels of her husband dying 6 months previous to that. She is still dealing with it. Give yourself lots and lots of time and permission to be where you are. A year is not enough time. Don't keep your anger in...It is less when I vent (and that's where the caregiver meeting comes in - cuz' we are all in the same boat.)


Name: Nancy
Location: OR
Email:
Date: 07/05/2008
Time: 09:31 PM

Comments

The endless repetitiveness can wear me out. Our Daughter is Multihandcapped and we have created what we call, "passing off". which is just a name for my Husband or someone in the family to simply step in, so I can step out of the room etc. Just a break -- maybe for only 5 minutes. It just gives you a chance to be "away" for a moment. Lots of meds to be given and pottying and moving etc. but all of us wear thin sometimes in our endurance-don't we. Our Daughter was a victim of terrible child Abuse at 8 1/2 months so we are old hands, but you have to admit that you just get worn out sometimes. I find it helps me to ask God each morning to be in control of my tasks and time. I find it so hard to ask for help and also people who can handle the unexpected medical needs are hard to find outside the family. It has taken years to learn it's O.K. to be angry and tired and accept the fact that people really don't understand what your 24X7 life demands. We don't need pity and we are not asking them to change our world. We learn to be honest about life and sometimes we can't give others all they would like...but hey, sorry about that, but I have an important job!! there are many things which can wear on you and bring anger. Sometimes I have found they come at different stages, through the years. Expressing anger about the situation sometimes upsets people and helps them discover your feet of clay.. but I have found people are usually only trying to help....they mean well even when they don't know how to help much. No matter if it is a spouse and child or parent -- we will each have loses and tiredness and times of anger--for different reasons -- but don't worry if people looked shocked when you are honest.. As a friend of a badly handicapped son told me once...when our daughter threw a screaming fit in church and Dad had to actually carry her out... What would people think of us and our daughter and this wild time.. she just smiles and told me "It's good for them!" I've decided over the year and yes it is!!!! Welcome to the real world!! We are comforted in the knowledge that what we are doing is of great value to our loved ones, even if they can't put that into words. Over the years I've learned that perhaps-words- are the least we can give people or they us. Love and kindness come in smiles, understanding and acceptance of those who care. Someday I believe we will find out that our ""songs in the night " were heard by our Loving Saviour and they were rich praise and honor to Him. Take it one day at a time--


Name: TJ
Location: Virginia
Email:
Date: 07/09/2008
Time: 07:34 AM

Comments

In a way, I guess it's good to know other caregivers are just as angry or frustrated as I. My husband has Multiple Sclerosis and is either in bed or in a wheelchair. I am angry when his children (from a previous marriage) do not come to visit or offer to help me with things around the house. I am angry when his oldest daughter announces that she is going to Oregon for a month to help a friend that was recently diagnosed with cancer and can only find a few hours to see her father. I am angry that his youngest daughter is still angry, 30 years later, that her father left her mother. I am angry when friends and family announce they are going on vacation or return with photos and videos. I am angry that the State or Federal Government does not have a program that could compensate me (even at minimum wage for 40 hours a week) for caring for my husband at home. I am angry that my husband has to deal with this disease. I am angry that I have to deal with this disease. I am angry that I am angry, but I am going to allow myself to be angry silently for just today. Tomorrow I will start the day with making a list of all the things I am grateful for. It may be a short list, but it's one way that I have found to help balance my so-called life. Hang in there and may God bless us all.


Name: Rev. Moseley
Location: Southampton Co.
Email:
Date: 07/09/2008
Time: 08:42 AM

Comments

No. I do get angry when I see those who are paid to be caregivers not taking good care of their patients.


Name: Johanna
Location: New York
Email:
Date: 07/09/2008
Time: 11:54 AM

Comments

It's very strange. There are a couple of days that I'm totally robotic and I do what I need to do for my Mom and then I'll have a couple of days after where I am filled with resentment and frustration. I love my mom very much but caring for her is not easy because on top of her condition she is not a very pleasant person. She is currently undergoing chemotheraphy and is extremely weak. She stays with me, my husband and our young three sons in a very small apartment. She sleeps in the lower bunk of my sons' bunk bed because I don't have any choice. My younger 2 sons sleep in my bed. My husband stays on the floor. We do what we have to do. My mom is totally unaware of what meds/drs.appts. she has to take or attend. I feel like her brain has transplanted itself into my head. I am her one and only caregiver and I'm very physically and emotionally drained altogether. I do my best and it just doesn't seem like it's enough. I have become my mom's doctor, nurse and social worker. I'm so very sorry in my heart for what has happened to her but I need help and there is no one else. How can I be angry at someone with cancer? It's horrific but I can't help it. She gets upset with the thought of a visiting nurse to aid me with her. I know someday my mom will be gone and that will leave me with an empty feeling but all I'm even from her doctors. The give her good care but neglect to figure out who is carrying out there instructions on a 24/7 basis. This is not easy and God Bless all of the caregivers out there. I pray for all your loved ones and for all of you for much strength and perseverance. We can only do our best . . .


Name: Melody Werner
Location: Cleveland area
Email:
Date: 07/10/2008
Time: 10:33 AM

Comments

I sincerely doubt that anger escapes any caregiver. From anger at his accident, to frustration at doing what he could do for himself, to dealing with his predominant identity as a paraplegic, I must say that I deal with anger almost daily. Thank goodness for friends and exercise and planning to return to work next month.


Name: Melody
Location: Ohio
Email:
Date: 07/10/2008
Time: 09:00 PM

Comments

You betcha! The fact that it's my husband is especially deep; others who try to console me with tales of their ailing mother or father are being kind, but this is my life partner here in the wheelchair. So much for long walks together, traveling abroad, playing kickball with the grandchildren. It's over, plain and simple, and that causes me grief every single day. It just hurts to lose the sunset years of our life to an accident. And he is not working real hard on getting himself around, even though he has function from the waist up. So much to work on, so much he's just letting go. Thank goodness for friends, neighbors, reading, exercise, and returning to school in the fall.


Name: Sharon
Location: Easton,pa
Email:
Date: 07/10/2008
Time: 10:10 PM

Comments

I have been taking care of my daughter for 10 years..she is a quadriplegic. All caregivers have a special gift...even if we do become frustrated or angry at times.


Name: Elaine
Location: Arlington, Texas
Email:
Date: 07/14/2008
Time: 08:45 PM

Comments

I recall being an up-beat, energized, independent wife, mother, and businesswoman. Depression was something I did not know. Now, at 70 I am often angry, weary, and blue because for the past 3 years my mom has lived in our home. She is now 97, has COPD, and is on hospice. Her mind is sharp and she has no other health problems. Everything in my life wears a veil of 'What's best for Mom'. My husband has become a reluctant saint. His own advanced, aggressive prostate cancer has paled into the background. Our plans for retirement travel are on indefinite hold so he is still working. It is ironic that the only thing in the world that will give us freedom, Mom's death, is the very thing I spend all my time and energy fighting against. My consolation is that this is the most Christlike endeavor I have ever pursued. It is a time of giving my best, receiving complaints rather than thanks, then going right back to give my best again. I am praying for all who have posted comments here.


Name: Beverly Jones
Location: Florence,S.C.
Email:
Date: 07/15/2008
Time: 12:02 PM

Comments

I handle my anger by stealing as much of alone time as possible. On days when my father has no doctors appointments and my live-in goes to his day program I read, write, look at programs I've taped for later viewing. I also tend to my container garden and I craft or sew. I have no room in my mind for loneliness or the anger because I know how to channel it. Which is very hard for some people.


Name: Lynn
Location: PA
Email:
Date: 07/15/2008
Time: 04:18 PM

Comments

We were caregivers for my Mom, 4 months after she passed away we became care givers for my in-laws in our home. 8 months into that we shared care giving for my brother-in-law until he passed away. Then my father-in-law passed away two months later. A year ago we became co-caregivers for my brother. It took 8 months before he received his life saving liver transplant, only to die 10 weeks later when he went back to the hospital for routine follow up. He died from a fungus in their air vent system. So we still have my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law is just now getting on her feet since my brother's death 5 months ago. Having said all this a Japanese friend told me after my Mom died and my in-laws moved in with us that "we were blessed to be twice dutiful". It depends on who you are caring for. With some, I have felt it to be an honor and a privilege. We are not feeling honored or privileged as we continue caring for the last in a long line over 3 and 1/2 years. We are tired, angry, stressed, resentful at all the family members who do nothing. How do I cope? My friend of thirty years was my sanity. She died after a 3 year battle with cancer. Now I take wellbutrin, celexa and try to do one fun thing for us every day. But in the end we did our best have no regrets and and on in this journey knowing God is in the drivers seat. We are just along for the ride.


Name: Brian
Location: New Jersey
Email:
Date: 07/18/2008
Time: 05:38 AM

Comments

My wife has brain cancer and because of where the three tumors are surgery is not an option. We have been working on this since Dec '05 with no hope of curing it. Bless her heart she as gone through two different sessions of radiation by August '06, and just about non stop chemo treatments and very seldom complains. Her hearing is diminished in one ear because of the radiation, she has no peripheral vision in her right eye, memory loss, has great difficulty getting out the correct words (usually we try to figure out by question's what she is trying to say), is tired most of the time, and understandably has less patience. She does not like or want to go out anymore and even though walking is good for her would rather stay home (her balance is diminishing). It is very frustrating because I want to help her by getting her out but she just will not do it. I leave the house at 4:30 AM and get home around 6PM from work (in NYC) and she is tired and ready for bed by 8 so we get very little time together during the week. On the weekend it kills me to go out without her even to see my grandchildren for an hour, which is a great relief, but she is so dependent on me and even though she says go you need to get away for awhile I see the look in her eyes and I know she will miss me until I get home. I do get angry and really try to control it but sometimes it just comes out and I know it hurts her, as it does me because now I added more unhappiness to her life. When I feel anger coming on I try to make an excuse to go into another room for a minute and breath deeply so I can get back to her and she doesn't know. I love my wife and it hurts to see her this way.


Name: Jen
Location: Washington
Email:
Date: 07/18/2008
Time: 07:57 AM

Comments

Yes I get angry. My Mother repeats the same questions every morning and throughout the day. She is so slow with every movement. Hears half of what I say even with her hearing aid. She cannot make a judgement about her safety. I need to think for her and for me. I am sad most of the time too. I love my Mom and I remember how she was before dementia, pain and other problems took over. What do I do? I pray at the moment I feel angry, I pray all day long. I read my Bible. I find my strength there!!! I hug my Mom and feel peace. None of this is her fault. She needs comforting. She knows her brain does not work right. She misses Dad who died recently. I do all I can to keep her comfortable. And I get her things I know will bring some joy and happiness to her, like movies and books from the library and little knick knacks from the store. I feel sad right now. I will go read my Bible.


Name: RON REINHART
Location: hamptons long island ny
Email:
Date: 07/18/2008
Time: 08:20 AM

Comments

I just join her in her world, and as we always did for 62 years we have a ball. The last episode she was back in her childhood, so I played the part of her dear departed brother.


Name: Will
Location: Campbell, CA
Email:
Date: 07/18/2008
Time: 09:40 AM

Comments

When I feel anger building, I step away from the situation and consider a few of the points that I have noted over the years. 1] Why am I so self-centered to feel that my time would be better spent doing something else? 2] If I had been the one needing help, would this person do the same for me? 3] Did they choose to get sick? 4] Is this God's plan for me? When I review these items, I feel a lot better. I then express my gratitude for the opportunity to grow and become a better example to others. As St. Francis said, "where there is despair, I may bring hope-that where there are shadows, I may bring light-that where there is sadness, I may bring joy."


Name: Fran
Location: IL
Email:
Date: 07/18/2008
Time: 09:47 AM

Comments

I get angry every minute of the day. Not because I don't want to do this; not because I don't love them; not because they are old and slow and fragile. I get angry because they will never be satisfied or appreciate what I do. I don't want any medals. I do this for God to see so that when I stand before Him, He might show me a little mercy. I do it because I love them and I feel compassion for them. I truly try to understand what it must be like to lose your independence, to feel so utterly alone every day, to be worried about death, and to have the wonderful memories of youth haunting you. I take care of my in-laws because I love my husband and I would do anything to make his life easier. But we have very young children, we run our own business, and taking care of them has caused my health to fail. They ask me for something and I do it, but there's always something more. They want something from the store every day. EVERY DAY. No matter how much I discuss my schedule with them or the children or just for the ease of making the situation better, they are very selfish and only think of themselves. It is THEIR way and no other way. I get frustrated because I am alone. No other family member wants to deal with them because it's a known fact (even among neighbors and friends) that they are mean, nasty, selfish, ungrateful and at times whacked!! They are in pretty good health, and I think they will out-last me. I don't know what the answer is. I sometimes wonder why I'm doing this. But it always comes back to the fact that they are part of our lives and have been forever. My children love them. I believe in life from beginning to end. I too will grow old someday. I just pray that I will be thankful for any assistance I may receive and I will try to be happy for the life I have and have had. I will smile and tell tales of how blessed growing old can be. At least, I hope so. Thanks for listening.


Name: Billie
Location: AR
Email:
Date: 07/19/2008
Time: 08:46 AM

Comments

Yes, there are times when I get angry, frustrated, etc. I am caregiver to my husband who has Alzheimer's Disease. Fortunately, our daughter lives across the street from us and she and her husband are so good about helping me take care of him. Still, they have their own life and I try not to call on them too much. We still go camping in our motorhome only now I drive it. I miss the man my husband was, I miss the closeness, I miss the conversations. But I do thank God for all the years we had and that now my health is such that I can take care of him as I know he would have done for me if the situation was reversed. At one time he and I weren't together and so when I get really angry or frustrated, I remember what it was like not to have him in my life and I enjoy that part of him that is still in there somewhere.


Name: SM
Location: WV
Email:
Date: 07/20/2008
Time: 05:26 PM

Comments

This is one I haven't seen yet-my husband of 27 years refuses to admit I am a caregiver to him, even though he broke his neck (C5-6) before I even met him, and I married him knowing that things probably wouldn't always be easy. Granted, he is very independent, but he is in a wheelchair and is also diabetic, so there are many, many things I do for him all of the time, and the main one is just being available 24/7 in case he needs anything! When we met, he was walking with a cane, and over the years, things have gone downhill so that now he is always in a wheelchair, and needs more help than ever. When recently I realized that I am a caregiver, and have been one for over 27 years, he gets all bent out of shape if it is even mentioned, much less when I get caregiver info in the mail, or attend the newly formed caregiver group at the VA hospital he uses. Has anyone else ever had this problem?? It's bad enough to have to be a spousal caregiver, but not being recognized or appreciated is eating at me! It's now affecting our relationship, as it was bound to, and the added stress has made me sick. I'm tempted to give up all the benefits of the help I get from the info and the support group, just so we can go back to where we were. No one knows this about us, everyone assumes he is as happy and friendly at home as he is when we go out, which is rarely. The tension is so bad at home, I think my 18 year old daughter moved out, just to get away from it. Please pray for us, that's all I know to do right now.


Name: Barb
Location: Philadelphia
Email:
Date: 07/20/2008
Time: 06:44 PM

Comments

When things get tough, I log onto Caregivers.com and always find inspiration to go on and also the Alzheimer's Association on line even begins with an inspirational quote for the day and many related articles. Sometimes the quote for the day might be enough to keep me going for the day. They also have other related articles I find helpful when I'm looking for a solution to a problem. I like to begin my day with these reflections but don't always have the chance or time. When this happens, eventually at some point, I just have to stop, log on to Caregivers or Alzheimer's and refocus to re-energize myself so I can do a good job.


Name: wendy Harrelson
Location: lakeland florida
Email:
Date: 07/21/2008
Time: 03:54 PM

Comments

My Mother is a diabetic and she lost her left leg in 2000 and I am sad about that and then my dad died in 2006 and at the time I did not want to put my mother in a nursing home and I am taking care of her now and I don't have a life no more. I also have an older sister that won't help take care of our mother and I think it is not fair to me that I do this alone. I am 31 and taking care of my mother and my sister is 46 and I think that my sister should take care of her and not me. I am the baby of us and I don't like this at all.


Name: Lynn
Location: Danville, CA
Email:
Date: 07/24/2008
Time: 04:05 PM

Comments

I only need to open old journals to remember how angry I was. I felt so stupid and powerless when I brought home low sodium chicken noodle soup instead of regular or the wrong kind of Lean Cuisine or single-ply toilet tissue instead of double-ply. I did not realize that my mother wasn't the only one who was aging. I did not realize that I had started reading labels by looking at the pictures because the letters were blurry. Though my eyes were over forty in my heart I was still a little girl, craving mommy's approval. We were the ultimate co-dependents, my mother and me. Journaling helped me sort it out. I recommend it highly.   E-mail Lgood67334@comcast.net for details.


Name: Cathy
Location: New Castle
Email:
Date: 07/25/2008
Time: 07:09 AM

Comments

Yes, sometimes I am angry /frustrated that my husband's health has deteriorated so much in the past 3 years. He's not even 50 yrs old, and I know HE is depressed about the fact that he'll never be the same man he was. It's a big adjustment both physically and emotionally, and, like many guys, he doesn't want to talk it out. So, we don't discuss it- it's the pink elephant in the room that everybody knows is there, but nobody wants to acknowledge. I don't mind being the strong, healthy one who can take on more jobs around the house, for example. When I need to get away, I go outside and pull weeds or clip hedges - get some fresh air and thank God for nature. I have to trust that His plan is perfect, and we'll be alright in spite of financial challenges from the loss of my husband's income. It's a constant worry.



Name: Ellie
Location: Washington
Email:
Date: 07/26/2008
Time: 04:49 AM

Comments

I found it difficult with one caregiving role with one particular client when I was subject to an argument over this client's telephone. In this situation I was angry because I was blamed for fixing a problem with my client's landline which I did successfully (message box full) but then it was not to the client's liking so the client's complaining never ended.


Name: Barb
Location: Mason wv
Email:
Date: 07/30/2008
Time: 08:22 AM

Comments

I helped to take care of my husband's mom who had dementia, until my husband was diagnosed with lung and throat cancer. At the same time my husband was taking treatments, my sister who has had brain tumor surgery, throat cancer and four strokes came to live with me, because her husband died. Her son is in the Navy and couldn't help. Do I get angry? Yes. When my husband was dying no one would help with my sister. My other sister who could have helped wouldn't. I still have my sister to take care of .She is only 2 years older than me. I wonder if I will ever have a life. It would be nice to just have a day when I didn't have to worry about anyone but myself.


Name: Deborah
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Email:
Date: 07/30/2008
Time: 12:15 PM

Comments

I am caring for my 82 year old Mother. I get frustrated daily well lately about my role as caregiver. I am not sure if I am doing enough, not enough and it bothers me. My mother is not terminally ill, has any type of Alzheimer's. I know she can manage to walk with a cane, has diabetes, high blood pressure and I help with bathing and cooking stuff. I guess I am just wanting to know how to deal with a parent that is still and always will be a parent. I am 42 and I am not working due to past illness I have. I am trying to find a way to go back to work, which I want to work from home to still be here for her. I am not sure if I am doing enough for her. I will really pray about all this and let God lead me to do the right thing. I know I enjoy my time with her. Lots of my friends have lost both parents even my niece and nephew have lost two parents. I cherish the time, still get a bit frustrated and don't like to tell friends how I feel. I know that some would say I should cherish the time with her. Thanks for this decision page on Anger.


Name: Judi
Location: Cottonwood, CA
Email:
Date: 07/30/2008
Time: 02:33 PM

Comments

Yes, right now I'm furious with my father, who recently turned 91 and has been diagnosed with dementia & Alzheimer's. Since Dad is still in the mild to moderate stage, he continues to make his own decisions about his life. One of his major problems is bowel incontinence and every time he has an episode, the retirement community that he lives in calls me. I live four hours away from them, so I don't really know what they want me to do. Dad has an 11 hour a day caregiver but what he really needs is to move into an Assisted Living community but he continues to resist my efforts to get him moved to the appropriate place closer to me. Sometimes I have to just step back and away from the situation in order to preserve my sanity other wise frustration builds and then depression sets in.


Name: Sally
Location: Michigan
Email:
Date: 07/30/2008
Time: 05:05 PM

Comments

I sometimes feel that I'm giving attention to caring for my husband (C2,3,4 quad) and he doesn't even notice. Example... I am feeding him. Does he look at me, have a conversation with me, give me attention, no.. he stares off at the television while I watch him chew, tend to his need for a drink, wipe his mouth, and prepare the next bite. I am taken for granted while I attend to him and he doesn't even pay attention.


Name: Sally
Location: Michigan
Email:
Date: 07/30/2008
Time: 05:14 PM

Comments

I would love to communicate with SM in WV. I think we are in the same boat, and it would be nice to not feel all alone.. S


Name: Nina
Location: Long Island, NY
Email:
Date: 07/30/2008
Time: 05:27 PM

Comments

My Mother has been in a nursing home for 3 1/2 years now. YES, I do get angry but I do so because I'm angry that I didn't save up enough to be able to take care of her. She has Dementia and she really doesn't belong in a nursing home because she is alert and still reads the newspaper everyday but she wants to get up and "go home" wherever she is. If I had the wealth, I could take care of her at home but I don't. I don't like the "institution" she's in and I want, very much, to move her to a different facility, perhaps in the South where they actually WORK with the residents stimulating their minds and bodies everyday. I've seen it in action. I'm tired and depressed all the time and it's all starting to take it's toll on my health. I'm asking God for strength everyday and for Him to guide me through this very difficult walk.


Name: Lynn
Location: Danville, CA
Email:
Date: 07/31/2008
Time: 10:23 PM

Comments

Time and new experiences should make the anger more distant, Carol. One of the best ways to process anger is to write about it. Give it a try. Start with "Today I feel..." Finish the sentence. Then write another one. I hope this helps. If you'd like to share what you write, send it to me, and I'll tell you what works, what resonates, and what I love in your writing. It will help you feel less angry and more human. Send it to Lgood67334@comcast.net. I look forward to reading it. Lynn www.writeadvice.com


Name: D. J.
Location: Park Ridge ,IL
Email:
Date: 08/01/2008
Time: 06:41 AM

Comments

If the weather is nice I either go for a short walk or pull weeds in my garden. I feel closer to God outside and it calms me down. I have been a caregiver for my husband for 13+ years and it has many ups and downs.


Name: Nancy
Location: Seattle
Email:
Date: 08/04/2008
Time: 01:13 PM

Comments

I've just spent 20 minutes reading others comments. Even though I knew I wasn't alone, it was truly amazing to know how closely my thoughts align with so many others. Hard to remember how my mom once was, who she was, not the person she is today. Hard to handle my emotions when other family members feel no responsibility at all to help and go on leading a life while my husband and I cannot plan on being out of the house for any length of time, keeping track of all of the medications and doctor appointments while working full time. Not much time to ourselves. Yes, I feel guilty feeling these things and know when she's gone it will leave a hole in my life. I also feel so sad that she had to endure all of this. She is mentally ready to go with God but for some reason, it's just not time. There is nothing fair about this for any of us.


Name: Brenda
Location: AR
Email:
Date: 08/04/2008
Time: 08:35 PM

Comments

Anger! Is that what it is? I was misled to believe that my parents wanted to be involved in my life. After my parents ignored the lows of my adult life such as fighting breast cancer, going thru a divorce, I relocated to be with my parents per their request. I changed from a good paying office job to work part-time for the schools. I have the same bills yet my father thinks living "RENT FREE" is payment enough to care for him (he's 80) & mom is wheelchair bound from a stroke. I have no siblings to share the burden & my grown children live out of state with my grandchildren. My parents were too busy with their lives, they had no idea what was going on in my world as a child that I was sent to school on a holiday. So I guess anger is part of the hurt I am feeling and the guilt I feel for wanting to leave & get on with my life.


Name: Staci
Location: Tennessee
Email:
Date: 08/07/2008
Time: 06:00 AM

Comments

I think anger is a normal part of caregiving. I am a 41 year old caregiver to my mother who is bedridden with arthritis and believe me when I say there is no one that understands what I am going through. I also have 2 daughters (14 and 8), a husband, house and sometimes I try to take care of myself. I get angry because of all the time I have to spend time taking care of my mother. It is so hard to balance everything and make everyone happy. I have to miss things with my girls, I do not get to spend much time with my husband, and being an only child there is no help. My friends have all left and so believe me there are days of anger. I like others believe God put me in this position and understands when I feel angry and allows me that, and then it is over. I try to find balance with prayer and finding a sliver of time for myself. Anger is normal if we do not let it take over our life and affect the people we are taking care of.


Name: Barbara
Location: Cleveland, OH
Email:
Date: 08/07/2008
Time: 06:30 AM

Comments

I so wish I wasn't angry, but I am and I'm searching for ways to deal with it. I walk daily and pray throughout the day. I am also noting what triggers my anger to get some perspective. For example, I don't mind the physical chores - the doctors appointments, the pills, the testing, special meal prep, daily weigh-ins, etc. as much as I resent her self-centered attitude and her lack of concern for anyone's needs but her own. It is reminiscent of how she ignored my emotional needs when I was a child. I cannot remember the last time she asked me how I was feeling or acknowledged all that I've given up because I am caring for her. Although she is mentally sharp and in better physical shape than many 86 year olds, she is emotionally depressed and makes it clear that she does not enjoy life. She will not engage in conversations. She will not share GOOD old memories. She takes very little joy in the lives and successes of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She tells me often that "all her family is gone (dead)" because she is the last of her generation. She does not acknowledge that my children, grandchildren, and my cousins are all here and are her family. It hurts me and makes me angry.


Name: Phoebe
Location: Kentucky
Email:
Date: 08/07/2008
Time: 09:05 AM

Comments

Yes, I get very angry, frustrated and cry a lot. I do Tai Chi, swimming and just go outside to have a break. Relief is for that period of time and then it is back to the same old stuff.


Name: Barb
Location: PA
Email:
Date: 08/07/2008
Time: 02:35 PM

Comments

Revolution Health has some helpful related articles on anger, anger management, stress relieving techniques, positive thinking, practice this stress management skill, tame your temper, and many many others. Check out the site at www.revolutionhealth.com and probably WebMD too.


Name: SM
Location: WV
Email:
Date: 08/07/2008
Time: 09:34 PM

Comments

Sally in Michigan, I would love to have someone to talk with about this!! My e-mail is smweakley@peoplepc.com Today was a classic example: I was trying to get ready to go to a family reunion this weekend, and my husband, who has been staying with his 86 year old mother (We have been taking turns staying with her right now, as his siblings are unavailable for various reasons-that's a whole 'nother story!) and he comes home without calling me to let me know he was coming and needed me to wash his clothes and do other things for him. So everything I had planned to do (for myself) was put aside, while I catered to everything HE needed done. So, I am going to have to stay up very late tonight to get it done (two cakes in the oven as I type) and when he left all I got was a snide comment about having fun while he was gone. Daggone it! I am going to have fun this weekend! I work like a dog caring for him and his mother, and this weekend I have a chance to visit with my kids and my family, without being on 24 hour, round the clock, on call! I don't doubt I get a call from him needing me to do something while I'm gone. Oh, and he did leave a message, while I was at the store to get things for the reunion, that the doctor messed up the prescription order that I had to call in for her the other day-so I will have to call tomorrow and get that fixed. Here is an 86 year old woman who practically raised 4 kids on her own, then went to work as a cafeteria worker, and later at a federal prison, and a 63 year old man who has been in the service, and lived on his own for a while (although he lived next door to his mother-in case he needed anything!) and neither one of them can call a doctor's office to have a prescription refilled?? Sorry, but tonight I am full of anger and resentment, for being taken advantage of and thought I am selfish the whole time. I will try to forget it and "leave it behind me" when I leave tomorrow for the weekend. I am seriously considering a yoga class to help with the continual stress I live with. But that will be seen as another "selfish" expense and time-waster. My pets help me a lot too, and gardening, as some others have mentioned. And my un-interruptible Sundays at church, where I get my batteries re-charged. Keep on praying, folks!


Name: Michael Posusky
Location: Massachusetts
Email:
Date: 08/08/2008
Time: 03:44 PM

Comments

I get angry. I get angry at myself, for getting angry. I've been married to my lovely wife for 25yrs now. She was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis about 3yrs into our marriage. Right after she gave birth to our daughter. I've done my best to give them the best life possible. We have no friends or family to count on. I've just gotten PCA help last year. This is a long and lonely road I'm on. I have been diagnosed as being Bipolar, and suffering with severe depression, as of several years ago. My daughter has married and moved to NC. I'm not doing well ! I'm a catholic whom has lost his faith, and my lust for life. How could he do this to us. My wife prays all the time. Her doctor thinks she should be admitted, so I can have a life. I can't do it. She is my life ! If/when she has to go into a nursing home, I will go into the ground ! I don't enjoy anything. I keep the blinds closed. Nothing seems to matter. Not even our Grandbaby. If I'm honest with my doctors about how I feel, they will admit me. I'm not asking for help. I don't even know if I want help. I really am lost. I don't sleep. Mostly because I don't want to wake up. I keep everything inside. My wife looks up at me and thanks me for not putting her in a home, as she cries. I have a herniated disk that need's rest to heal. With my carpel tunnel, I can barely cut up our dinner. If the best has past, I don't want the future. I'm willing to bet that anyone you ask about me, will not have a clue what is going on in my head, and will tell you I'm the nicest guy they've ever met ! Why do I somehow feel, that the best day of my life, will be the last day of my life. Love's a KILLER !!! Why did I write this ? Why ... DID ... I write this ?


Name: tina
Location: toledo, ohio
Email:
Date: 08/09/2008
Time: 04:30 PM

Comments

Not very well. I pout, I don't talk and sometimes take it out on my husband without knowing it. My mom is the one we take care of. Sometimes I have to just get away, regroup, and then come back.


Name: Janice Payne
Location: Laguna Niguel, CA
Email:
Date: 08/11/2008
Time: 01:04 AM

Comments

I think, all caregivers become angry for a moment but the main thought is to keep focused and realize the person you care for is a human being and depends on you to give them your best. When you are a family caregiver you should remember all the things your mother or father did as you are growing up. Thank about it for awhile. My mother and father did everything to see that my brother and I did all they could to make our like special. Are you going to put them in a nursing home because you can't deal with the situation. We chose not to and she is out and going every day. She loves to travel and it is not easy on you but if it makes your someone happy "do it". It is not always easy but is any thing in life easy? Our Mother is very special to us and she wants for nothing.


Name: JUDITH GLYNN
Location: CANON CITY, COLORADO
Email:
Date: 08/11/2008
Time: 08:33 AM

Comments

I TRY TO TALK ABOUT WHAT FRUSTRATES ME WITH MY SPOUSE AND ASK HIM HOW HE CAN HELP. I ALSO TELL HIM WHAT HE CAN DO TO HELP ME BUT HE HAS COGNITIVE PROBLEMS SO DOESN'T REMEMBER. SOMETIMES I FEEL THIS IS SELECTIVE TO HIM. HE HAS MS BUT CAN WALK WITH A CANE SO I FEEL LIKE HE CAN DO MORE. I KNOW HEAT EFFECTS HIM GREATLY AND TRY TO HAVE HIM TO LIGHT CHORES IN THE AM. UNLESS I TELL HIM CONTINUALLY WHAT TO DO HE DOES NOT THINK TO DO ANYTHING. SOMETIME I DO GET REALLY MAD AND TELL HIM SO. I ALSO LEAVE NOTES ON THE FRIDGE WITH TIMES TO START POTATOES OR TO FEED ANIMALS, ETC.


Name: suzie
Location: CA
Email:
Date: 08/12/2008
Time: 08:56 PM

Comments

Yes! I do angry about my caregiving role and I feel like a b.... if I complain. Here is this person that isn't feeling well and I am being whiney. The thing is, it isn't like the random cold. You go to the Dr. and then you get better. This is ongoing, never ends. I feel way too young to live like this. But maybe God has me in this role for a reason? I also come from the view of being of service. I think getting enough sleep helps too. And prayer. I ask God to help me get over things I resent. My mother says "do things that make me happy." But honestly, one day at a time and enough sleep seem to do it for me.


Name: sanda bartlett
Location: bakkersfield
Email:
Date: 08/13/2008
Time: 04:09 PM

Comments

I feel like I am trapped taking care of my mother. My sister took care of her for 3 years. She died in 2005 at 55 years old. I have been taking care of for the last 3 years. I am a single parent youngest child is 20. It is hard to get away. If something happen to me she will go in a nursing home.


Name: Vic
Location: PA
Email:
Date: 08/17/2008
Time: 07:29 PM

Comments

Man, I am so glad to hear of other people getting angry. My mother in law has Alzheimer's and is getting worse all the time. She can't tell if she has to pee or poop and has lately taken to talking to mirrors. My husband will not put her in a nursing home and 2 1/2 years of this is putting a real strain on us. Sometimes I just want to get in the car and drive and just keep going. I think this is a task that God has given me, but I feel burned out and empty. I hope if I get it they just shoot me. It is getting harder and harder to "handle it." I try to look at her and think of her innocence and that she can't help what is happening to her. I also try to remember what Jesus would want me to do.


Name: Dawn J.
Location: Mead, Ok
Email:
Date: 08/18/2008
Time: 06:08 AM

Comments

Terry, I am a third year student at Southeastern I have worked in the caregiver field for years. When I finish school with my Masters in Gerontology I plan on working in Oklahoma in the home health field as a social worker. As I was studying the laws in Oklahoma the one that stuck out the most for me and mad me the maddest was the alarming rate of elderly that are abused but it goes unreported for fear of being sent to a nursing home. Well, in Oklahoma when abuse is found that is the only place for the elderly to go. I want to work with the law makers to change that so that caregivers have a better option in helping our patients.


Name: Deborah McEnaney
Location: West Bridgewater, MA
Email:
Date: 08/19/2008
Time: 09:45 AM

Comments

My husband had surgery at 52 for a brain tumor, lapsed into a coma for 3 months and had to rehabilitate for 7 months in order to just come home. Was I mad??? you bet I was. I was mad at my husband, the doctors, medicine in general and the forces that be that "ruined" my life. then I realized it wasn't just my life, it was his too! I still get angry, really angry, after 12 years of caregiving and never having time for me but i found a simple silly want to relieve the stress from anger. I buy a bunch of balloons at a florist, or grocery shop and let them loose one by one in the back yard. The pure joy of doing that, of being a kid again, takes the anger out of me, and I find myself giggling and feeling a lot better. I release my pent up emotions with each one.


Name:
Location:
Email:
Date: 08/21/2008
Time: 01:21 PM

Comments

Yes. Until I felt sick and at the end of my rope. I took Est courses and did the Est mountain course, rapelling down a mountain, (realizing I had to have control of my life, letting the rope out to go down backwards and pulling the brake with the right hand; doing the Zip line: jumping off of a high elevation and zipping down over a lake on a rope (which I enjoyed once I faced my fear and realized I was part of the lake and the mountain and the beauty... and pulling myself across a canyon upside down in the Tyrolean Traverse (I learned I had support from all those on my side of the canyon egging me on and those on the other side who had crossed over and faced their fear). I realized I must be part of a TEAM, Mom, Dad and I and helped build a Support Group which I led for 12 years, though Dad died after his first meeting. They helped us deal with our grief I have written about all this in my forthcoming book, "Stroke: A Daughter's Story" (Trials and Triumphs Caring for a Father with Aphasia). Gary, I would like you to send me the newspaper, please and will pay whatever it is. I want it in my hand and much appreciate your publishing it. Doris Thurston (842 SE St. Lucie Blvd., Stuart, FL, 34996. Tel 772-283-5137. tdorisart@aol.com. The book will be published by Trafford.com and will be available at the above address and at local bookstores and on Amazon.com.


Name: Holly, Caregivers' Coach
Location: Fremont, NH
Email:
Date: 08/22/2008
Time: 09:45 AM

Comments

Since caregiving often feels like concentrated life, getting clear about what anger is and what it isn't seems like self-preservation to me. During my ten years of caregiving my mom, some people thought I was repressed when I wasn't feeling angry. Other people got awfully uncomfortable when I did express anger. Everybody's different, but here's what I learned about my anger: It's normal, can be healthy, and is a highly valuable signpost. Anger was my friend, pointing me to things I was ignoring. It shows when I'm neglecting my own needs. If I'm over tired, haven't taken time for myself, haven't been exercising etc. I can over-react to things I would normally handle well. I couldn't do caregiving well if I wasn't taking care of myself. It shows me when I'm resisting some aspect of life that I'd be better off accepting. Caregiving got a whole lot smoother when I started looking at what I was resisting, and began choosing to accept some things. And anger shows me when I need to be speaking up about something. The feelings underlying my anger are understandable. It was when I tamped down those feelings instead of exploring them and expressing them appropriately that they build up to anger. So, to sum it up, anger showed me where I wasn't paying attention to something important. It was and is my friend. Holly Whiteside


Name: Judy Geralds--Caring for the Caregiver facilitator
Location: Louisville, KY
Email:
Date: 08/22/2008
Time: 10:17 AM

Comments

I was a caregiver for my husband for over 4 years because of his first cerebral hemorrhage. He died this past November of another cerebral hemorrhage. I am now staying with my mother for a few weeks in order for my sister to visit with her family. I know the anger and frustration of caring for someone who is unaware and unappreciative of your life revolving around his needs. I also feel blessed to have seen my husband progress and recover to the point that he could walk into the house and use the restroom by himself before he passed away. I am also blessed that I still have my mother with me. She is hard of hearing and will not get a hearing aide, yet she thinks she is of sound mind and can make the best decisions for herself. The Lord is teaching me patience in dealing with my mother and telling me it is okay to be sad and mad. He gave me these emotions, but he also gave me a grandbaby who just giggles because he is happy being alive. Enjoy the joy of being with others--support group--family--friends--bridge/cars--or even pets.


Name: Patsy
Location: Texas
Email:
Date: 08/22/2008
Time: 11:11 AM

Comments

My Mother died Nov. 05 from Alz. complications, and I sometimes find that I'm still angry that my 3 sisters didn't do more to assist in the caregiving. Altho' I thought I had put it behind me, it usually pops up in dreams--a subconscious anger. 2 live out of state, 1 lives 1 hour away. The 2 out of state sisters always found time for "fun" vacations, but not to come visit Mother or only very rarely for a day or 2. No matter how much I asked for help in decision making or visiting her, they were too busy, and said "whatever you think best". I didn't WANT that solely on MY shoulders. Yet I did it, because I loved Mother, and she had always done so much for us ALL. I was NEVER angry at her, only that AWFUL disease. SHE couldn't help it, even when she wasn't herself. But MY reward was she ALWAYS KNEW ME, even when she knew no one else. Her face always lit up when I approached. SO it was worth it. But only 1 sister got here in time to be with her as she died; the others didn't even try--didn't want to. There was ample warning. Shame on them; I don't know how they live with it, yet they seem to be quite happy and guilt-free. I TRY to be, yet Mothers' "end" still haunts me sometimes. I probably need more counseling. Thanks for listening.....


Name: Lynn Johnson, age 81, Hubby 82
Location: Jacksonvile, Florida
Email:
Date: 08/22/2008
Time: 10:26 PM

Comments

If there are other senior caregivers with senior patients...I could use contacts with them. My hubby is 82 and more dependent than ever...I am not coping well. Since 2001, six friends have died...two of those were closer than even "best" friends...They were my support group...Will appreciate new friends over 70 and 80+++am not coping well.  We are Christians and that does lend support and hope...


Name: Celia
Location: Cerritos
Email:
Date: 08/23/2008
Time: 12:34 AM

Comments

I do get angry and resentful with my role of caring for my father who had a stroke in 2005. Mainly because I gave up my job, my house, and basically my life as I knew it, to move in and care for him. He is no suffering from Vascular dementia. I have no siblings, so I have no help. My friends avoid me like the plague. I wish I knew how to deal with my feelings that swing back and forth from being happy to help care for him, to resenting that I don't have my own life. He is often demanding, angry, forgetful, and the stress he puts on me is unbelievable. I don't know how to handle my feelings right now..so I am writing to see if anyone has any helpful advice? I feel like a pressure cooker ready to explode. I feel so stressed all the time, and thus sick with headaches and can't sleep. I never expected to have these feelings. I don't understand why I am. I am open to any helpful advice or suggestions. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Thanks?


Name: Joyce
Location: Illinois
Email:
Date: 08/23/2008
Time: 10:28 AM

Comments

I wish I didn't get so frustrated and angry at my husband who has Parkinson's. I haven't gotten past the resentment of having to be in charge of everything around here now...my husband is still very cognitive but concentration levels, processing info, focusing....they are all affected. Not to mention he is hard of hearing and doesn't like to wear his hearing aid much so we YELL a LOT! That in itself stirs up the atmosphere round here. What do I do to handle it? I take deep breaths, meditate every day, try to put myself in his shoes in knowing that he hates it more than I do and hates what his life has become before he was 60 years old. He hates the fact that he is unproductive when he lived a hugely productive life. Thinking of all his losses gives me more empathy for him but oh, sometimes I get so impatient and angry at him. Help! I did start going to a caregivers group...Leeza's Place...a wonderful place! Just knowing I am in the presence of other persons who may be having or have had the same feelings I do is a tremendous support in itself.


Name: Joanne
Location: Davenport, FL
Email:
Date: 08/23/2008
Time: 07:07 PM

Comments

I don't get angry about the role as much as angry about the cancer that makes my husband so weak and sick. It is difficult to have to be there 24/7 for someone, but hospice has helped a lot.


Name: Lila
Location: Florida
Email:
Date: 08/24/2008
Time: 03:11 PM

Comments

Yes, I am angry! My husband is the one that has Alzheimer's and I am afraid I will not be able to handle it as the situation gets worse. I am short tempered now and I never was that type of person. I have to keep reminding myself that he is not the person I married. He was strong minded and always had his own interests. Now, he is glued to my side every evening. I am lucky that he is still able to go to the office daily and sit there. He not an active sale person but his boss of many years allows him to come in daily. We have children, but they have families of their own and I find it difficult to ask for help. I am presently looking for a support group for spouses. Hopefully, I will find one soon because the guilt feelings I have are really starting to get to me. I'm so glad I found this site to vent. Thank you!


Name: Brian
Location: Binghamton, NY
Email:
Date: 08/25/2008
Time: 10:51 AM

Comments

Guilty, Frustrated and Angry. My partner has Tramatic Brain Injury (TBI) due to a motor vehicle accident where I was driving. Frustrated and Angry mostly because TBI is so misunderstood, and often thought of to not be a problem, as the injured can, appear to be functioning without any real problem. However, episodes are often violent or just plain old verbally abusive. It has taken me 5 years just to find a TBI support group in my area for those affected and surprisingly the caregiver. Before then, it was just a condition that you lived with, alone, quietly. Work still doesn't recognize that I have someone with a disability at home.


Name: Vincent
Location: Maine
Email:
Date: 08/27/2008
Time: 04:34 AM

Comments

My occasional anger comes as I think of my future and all my adventurous plans fading away (I am 70). I sometimes break out of it (the anger), by simply thinking it away (refocusing on something I want to do in the here and now--a cup of coffee, a small task, photography).


Name: SM
Location: WV
Email:
Date: 08/27/2008
Time: 05:36 AM

Comments

Brian, hang in there. The injured vets we have coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan now have a very high incidence of TBI, and doctors and people in general are becoming more aware of all of the horrible problems this can cause. Recently I have seen several articles about it, in various places. It's a shame it takes a war for us to learn how to deal with things like this, but the Paralyzed Veterans Association also says that before the experience the doctors got from WWII, spinal cord injury was almost always fatal. Hopefully they are learning things now about TBI that will lead to advances in that area, and hopefully some things that will be helpful to you and your partner, God Bless You! SM


Name: Cassandra Smith
Location: Gastonia, NC
Email:
Date: 08/27/2008
Time: 07:12 AM

Comments

I try to remember that I'm blessed to be the one that's healthy enough to care for my spouse! We do what we can to have time away from home together. I also like have at least one day to myself to revive myself. I enjoy reading and spending time with my best friends (I have two). We usually go out to eat and talk or shop and talk. They are sweet enough to let me vent and then remind me to laugh about it. "This too shall pass"!


Name: Terri
Location: Falls Church, VA
Email:
Date: 08/27/2008
Time: 11:26 AM

Comments

I don't get angry about the caregiving ROLE as much as I get angry about my husband's neurodegenerative illness which has rendered him physically and mentally disabled. There were years when I often couldn't contain my anger, and I would have large tantrums. But I have discovered that God is real, and He has done amazing things for me. I now live for God, and He is faithfully and lovingly helping me accept my husband's illness and showing me blessings in our marriage. Now if I start to get angry or feel sorry for myself, I ask God to heal those bad feelings and realize that I am blessed in many, many ways. Despite it all, my husband and I love each other very much. This is only by the wonderful, miraculous grace of God.


Name: Terri
Location: Falls Church, VA
Email:
Date: 08/27/2008
Time: 11:29 AM

Comments

To Lila: Support group for spouses: Well Spouse Association - go to www.wellspouse.org - you will find so much support there!!


Name: kim
Location: ohio
Email:
Date: 08/27/2008
Time: 11:44 AM

Comments

My mother had a stroke December 31, 2007. I've been taking care of her since March. There are times I am angry because I wonder when the madness is going to end. How long will I have to run between two houses plus keep a job. If I allow myself to look into the future, I get very fearful of having to do this for another 10+ years. I have a family of my own to take care of and now my parents. It has been very hard. This is what I do to combat the anger. I take it "one day at a time". As long as I look at today (and only today) I am fine. I go to work, come home and change, go to my Mom and Dad's and make dinner, clean up and give my Mom a shower. Then I go home. I also look for all the good things. Like when my Mom thanks me for helping her or when she smiles at me and says "you are so good for me, you make me laugh". I also pray to God for the strength to get through each and every day and when I do that, I am fine and I am happy that I can provide a service so desperately needed.


Name: julie
Location: San Marcos, Tx.
Email:
Date: 08/27/2008
Time: 04:57 PM

Comments

Sometimes I am angry. I have move in with my parents and left my friends, and life behind. Then I remember how much they have cared for me when I was a child and I understand. the hardest part is to see them slipping away, mentally and physically. I have to work, but I wish there was a way I could stay home, to help more. I do have new friends at my church who do pray for me. My faith is what gets me through everything.


Name: Bess
Location: South Carolina
Email:
Date: 09/04/2008
Time: 07:00 AM

Comments

I have a mentally challenged brother who lived with me for several years after my mother had a massive heart attack and no longer has short term memory. I was very angry because I felt I was handed a platter I didn't want. My mother is in an assisted living home and gets wonderful care yet she always says I wish I were home. She still would love daily visits which I did for almost 2 years and I found myself angry that my life was put on hold. I dropped out of college because life had become a different set of emergencies as her health goes up and down. My brother is a different story. Mother catered to him his whole life and therefore he is spoiled. I thought maybe I could teach him some independence and responsibility, something my mother never would have done. I tried and was just angry all the time. I knew it was more than I could handle. He needed constant supervision. He would observe and see what he could get away with and do it. It was like having a child all over again, but one that wasn't well trained or disciplined as far as accountability for his actions. The nice quiet household I created for myself was totally turned upside down. He is very bright and all specialist said if he were trained from youth there would be no reason he couldn't have been on his own with some check-ups from family. I put steps in place to get him in a group home. That is a decision my mother never would have made. I was angry that I was being judged for this decision, even from relatives who weren't here to even help, but were quick to criticize. Needless to say, no decision I have made was taken lightly by me. I did place my brother in a group home and he is the happiest I have ever seen him. He still visits us regularly and we talk several times a week. Mom gets great care and I visit every other day. I admire those who take care of their loved ones in their home, because I know it is difficult. I was taking anti-anxiety herbs and natural antidepresents from an experienced acupuncturist and felt like I was just trying to survive. Even with my loved ones cared for by others, I still feel like I have a load. My brother calls me whenever he is having an issue or wants something. Mother always would love more visits or be taken out. I guess the anger now comes when I am so tired and they want more. Sometimes it feels like the life is being sucked out of me. I also have a husband and daughter who both work hard so I feel like the least I can do for them is have a meal ready and a clean house. I also enjoy their company. When my brother lived here, I read The Road Less Traveled and one of the things that has stuck out in my mind is to look for the oasis in the day. They were small moments. Watching a feel good movie, listening to some favorite music, a nice Bible reading that brought comfort, especially the Psalms because David experienced much heartache. I made sure to meet a friend for lunch once a week to vent. I learned to look for those small oasis' and created some and it helped me survive. I do know this caretaking journey is something not to do alone. I really had to reach out and it is amazing who is there. Anger still comes and goes. I learned I had to set limits and take time. I am back to taking a class at the local college. I always anticipate the next emergency though.


Name: Val
Location: France
Email:
Date: 09/04/2008
Time: 08:37 AM

Comments

I am so glad I found a caregiver's site that can address situations which aren't done so on other sites. My husband, has had Lewy Body Dementia for 8 years now and the anger is still there. It was such a relief to read about other's anger and to realize I'm not always at fault for being so. I can see my own situation in so many of the comments. Not being able to go anywhere, to have to listen enthusiastically to other's vacations, trips, having no life for oneself anymore, not not much help from the family ( they all have demanding jobs and small children)-the list goes on. I'm 72 and worn out. Since I have to do everything, there is just too much brain overload, so much that I wonder if my own grey cells aren't disappearing faster than usual. I hope that this post will be available to reread over the coming months, so I can feel I'm not alone angry.


Name: Marihelen Pitts-Campbell
Location: Brookings, OR 97415
Email:
Date: 09/04/2008
Time: 02:42 PM

Comments

I'm doing fairly well most of the time caring for my mother-in-law (age 98) with some help from my husband who is working full time 'outside the home'. Many times she'll do things for him that she won't do for me--even though we've been good friends for over 30 years. She does have some memory problems, so I know that is a big part of it.  Thank you for TODAY'S CAREGIVER Gratefully, Marihelen


Name: Gail
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Email:
Date: 09/04/2008
Time: 04:44 PM

Comments

Much Anger due to stress and friends & family drifting away! I "lone" caregiver 24/7 and its a big heartache and I've only begun this about 6 mos ago. I handle it by going on many, many stroke sites online. My husband of 26 years is a surviving stroke victim with severe aphasia/cognition but sorta physically fit (thank goodness!!) I say to myself "why did this happen to us" all the time! My worst grip is handling every solitary detail by myself at the ripe ole medicare age! I pray for all of us caregivers out there, we are very special people!!!!!!


Name: julia
Location: illinois
Email:
Date: 09/04/2008
Time: 06:11 PM

Comments

Initially, I internalizes the anger (not always a good thing) . Later, I talked it over with another who deals with it better in her life. caregiver (I do recommend that !)


Name: Mary
Location: WA
Email:
Date: 09/05/2008
Time: 06:39 PM

Comments

My husband became disabled 1 year after we were married. Adjusting from newlywed to caregiver was very difficult. I have since decided that God has given him to me to take care of and support. I work full time and when I come home and he hasn't accomplished anything throughout the day I do become angry. He is capable of many household/family chores but prefers to watch TV or play on the computer most of the day. I tend to bite my tongue when I am angry. I count my blessings (and he certainly is one of them) to help off-set the anger. I work as a caregiver professionally and sometimes there is no balance. We have 2 wonderful children at home and they are a great distraction from the anger. To all of you (us) whom are caregivers, may God continue to bless us and guide us down his path and give us the patience and strength to endure our daily challenges.

 



 







 

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