By Cheryl Ellis, Staff Writer
Loved ones and caregivers benefit by initiating
a discussion on how to handle the diagnosis and
treatment. Your loved one may want the option
of having a single visit alone with their primary
care doctor or oncologist to be able to ask
questions they are not ready to discuss with you, or
the entire family. You can offer this option
to your loved one to help both of you cope with
“raw” questions that need a physician’s answer.
Doctors may not be able to accommodate an
extended private consultation with a caregiver, but
it may help at crisis points (initial diagnosis or
change in treatment and prognosis). There may
be staff trained to fill this need, so it is better
to ask and plan any discussion that would be
otherwise difficult with your loved one present.
Coping skills are learned and sometimes
transitory. What works during a given stage of
treatment may need some help as time passes.
For example, caregivers may find a release of stress
by hiring staff to help with personal care, or to
have a few hours outside the home. However,
caregivers might find that the time outside the home
is most productive for relieving stress when it
involves a specific activity, such as exercise or
perhaps counseling.
Dual counseling is another option for caregiver
and loved one, regardless of the prognosis or stage
of the cancer journey. The cancer center
overseeing your loved one’s care can recommend a
competent therapist. Clinical trial managers
can advise you on any types of therapy offered to
caregiver and/or loved one for the duration of the
trial. Be open to a change of therapists if
you have reached a plateau or would like an
additional perspective.
It’s important to monitor’s one’s own sleep,
eating habits and moods as it is to look after a
loved one’s. Anuy changes that occur should be noted
and discussed with your own doctor. Depending on
your loved one’s state of processing and
understanding their diagnosis, you may open up the
discussion about how both of you have changed health
and wellness behaviors.
Funded by a grant from the National Cancer
Institute, the website http://www.cancercaregiving.com has
free registration and information that can be surfed
online to allow caregivers and loved ones the use of
worksheets that open communication on various
issues.
End-of-life planning can be done with assistance
from hospice or with family members. Remove
the focus from the “end” idea, which insinuates the
outcome of the cancer treatment will be negative.
Hospice has a number of stories where patients have
lived vibrant lives well beyond any expectations the
doctors had. Often, getting “details” out of
the way is a step away from the idea of “death,”
because the topic is what is most painful.
Caregivers and loved ones may have different reasons
for fearing the discussion, but if both individuals
converse about their mutual visions for their own
end-of-life care, it becomes almost “another family
discussion.”
Whether the discussion involves the possibility
of assisted living outside the home, or bringing in
more caregiving help for various stages of
treatment, caregivers may find the hardest part is
taking the leap of faith to begin talking. As
a caregiver, you must also be willing to examine the
possibility that you may need more help than you
predict. Let go of the limiting thoughts that
say you must do everything for your loved one.
Being present and loving are “everything,” and with
them, you can make the decisions that will serve
your loved one best.
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