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CARENOTES | Past Carenotes | Let's Talk

Carenotes

Welcome to CareNotes. In this special section we will feature a reader's letter and provide an opportunity for an interactive exchange that will help find some answers and possible solutions to concerns. If you wish to respond to this letter, simple follow the link provided at the end of the letter and add your comments and thoughts to our CareNotes Board.

This Week's Carenote - 03/05/13

Came across your Web site trying to organize my life and figure out what to do. Been caregiving since late 1980s. Wife got MS, then Dad got sick, then Mom got sick. Been caregiving so long, I can't believe it. I've had days when I felt my head will explode from the pressure.
Now I am in foreclosure. Losing our home. Had to file for bankruptcy. All senior residences in our area are booked. Wife is bedridden. Just looking for some good direction before we are pushed into the street.
 
Sincerely,
Tired Tony

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Name: Julie Morelli
Location: St. Joseph's Hospital (Patient)
Date: 11/11/2013
Time: 08:32 PM

Comments

Tony- I hope this note reaches you before you have given up all hope. I understand your concerns, they are real. Life has dealt you a difficult hand. I find myself in a precarious situation, as I am the wife who got MS. How hard it must be to have the love of your life deteriorate and depend on you. This was not your plan. This unpredictable disease is not for the weak, nor for the sometimes strong, and I am not talking about you. You did the best you could, with what you had, each and every time she experienced an exacerbation or attack or symptom, medications... You have every right to be tired! Add to that, your parents and the financial strains. This year alone, the number of foreclosures and bankruptcies are in the hundreds of thousands. Potentially, you could be in that home for 2 to 5 years. When you leave this earth Tony does that home come with you? Do the bills come with you? I am not minimizing your stress. Tony you and I both know what comes with you. Your legacy as a man who did everything he "knew" how to do. Who gave the love he had, who loved his parents and didn't want them to suffer. The man who could have left his wife and moved on permanently with a healthy woman. I don't know you, but I know I could have lists of how just your very existence on this earth touched lives that you don't even realize! Punch your couch, cry, its not EASY! You however, MUST understand you are a good man. NO MAN OR WOMAN is without flaws. No one but the big guy up above is perfect. Now let's address some resources. Every city in the United States has resources. You need to pick up that phone book (I still use mine)or google local resources for example Senior Living Resources within a 40 mile radius, Call the National MS Society...they are waiting for people to offer assistance or have the connections you need to make to make life livable for your wife. Now take a deep breath, a house is a house...a home is what you make it. I could see in my head a first floor apartment, even a 1 bedroom. You will now know of the options for help with your wife. But what about my credit? Fortunately for us this is no longer the I wont be able to anything now for at least 7 years and it will be too late for all by then. Go to the local Circuit Court and ask for the Social Services dept. Renters today dismiss the bankruptcy. I am assuming you have a way of making some income,so let's go from there. Do keep in mind, government workers aren't the friendliest, but Who Cares?! This is survival mode. This is making the rest of your life the best of your life. Reach out to anyone who can help you. Swallow that pride...friends, family, church groups Even if you are not a member churches have people who will prepare meals on a monthly calandar. They have mens groups who will do anything from building a ramp, get you a wheelchair to get your wife outside. With the MS society there are counselors, free, sliding scale. It is initially the hardest thing, but if you are willing to leave your legacy and just have some piece of mind, you will do it. I am giving you my email. If you reach out to me, I will help you. For all I know you live in Alaska. I want you to know you are NOT going to be pushed on the street. Not unless that is what you really want, and if that is what you really wanted, you would have never wrote this letter. God Bless you Tony. I hope to hear from you. Juliemorelli25@hotmail.com


Name: patricia white
Location: phila
Date: 03/19/2013
Time: 06:53 PM

Comments

This is very command with women. A daughter who appear healthy reminds older women of who they once were. Mother, aunts, sister can be very cruel and angry, Because I believe they are grieving. I would lay down the law of my home and give her back her power and suggest to her mother that respect goes both ways and if this doesn't stop it won't help you or me. If this doesn't stop now there are other way that she can be taking care of. Let her know as soon as the abusive start give her notice of what she doing also keeping her inform that the abusive is hurtful and because of that i am concerning other alternate. Also when there are good day I hope you can keep you mother inform, letting her know what a pleasure it is to have her for a mother. I was always told that 2 wrong never make a right. We only have one mother and you made think she angry, but something like a picture when she was young can bring up so much information like smiles while taking, which lets you know that this is the mother I know.


Name: Melissa
Location: Humble, Tx
Date: 03/19/2013
Time: 11:08 AM

Comments

You can also call an agency to help. Like a home care company. My friend runs an agency in Houston. She may be able to help. The company is carebuilders at home. Number is 832-900-9416. I dont remember what it costs, or anything, but we used them with my grandmaw when she was diagnosed with Dementia. She would get mad at all of us, but when her caretaker came over, it was night and day. She was happy, and nice. Hope this helps you. Good luck!!!


Name: Bill Jones
Location: AACOG San Antonio
Date: 03/18/2013
Time: 06:53 AM

Comments

Option # 1- The caregiver daughter should seek counseling for herself and her mother in order to start the healing process to resolve this long standing issue. Option # 2 - Assistive living (for the mother) and or long term care placement would be recommended to resolve the living arrangement. No need to be abused in your own home. If this option is selected then the daughter could pursue counsling on her own. The same for the mother. Option # 3 - Adult Protective Services (800-252-5400) would be the Agency of choice to manage the multiple issues of emotional abuse, placement, counseling, adult daycare, etc.


Name: Bette
Location: Delaware County, PA
Date: 03/18/2013
Time: 04:53 AM

Comments

Have her mother get an assessment from the Area Agency On Aging, Houston (936) 441-3200, 100 Interstate 45 N Ste 125, Conroe, TX Her mother might benefit from going to a senior center or adult daycare center (depending on her health) every weekday. The daughter may benefit from going to a caregivers' support group or even a support group run by NAMI (for mental health), to help her to avoid becoming part of a life-long habit of becoming enmeshed in her mother's criticism.


Name:
Location: Ohio
Date: 03/18/2013
Time: 03:55 AM

Comments

You might have to Call Adult Protective Services to intervene....The Daughter Does not have to put up with Abuse from her Mother who is living in the Daughters Home..


Name: A Anderson
Location: Saint Joseph Michigan
Date: 03/17/2013
Time: 02:11 PM

Comments

Wow... I know this story all too well! My mother had issue's also. So sorry to hear this. I finished my ime with my mom till the bitter end and wouldnt have had it any other way.Your case may be different. As a daughter it is hard to let go...God's blessings on your choices but follow your heart as to a path of no regets If I had regrets...it would be difficult now.


Name: Christine
Location: Florida
Date: 03/17/2013
Time: 01:09 PM

Comments

Have her see if she has a form of Dementia. Some forms can cause a person to be abusive. But there are medications that can control it. A caregiver plays an important part in this transition. Please have her speak to her mothers primary physician. Before it's too late.


Name: Joan Tremko
Location: Bonifay Florida (in the Pan Handle)
Date: 03/17/2013
Time: 12:25 PM

Comments

We have recently been caring for my mother in law, last April we had to drive to Pa. and bring her here, we have experienced a lot of defiance and arguing by her, my husband works the night shift and when I try to manage her she will not allow it and then accuses me of aweful things such as stealing her money, being afraid of me, me keeping her locked in her room. We have had to face the nursing home decision before things got worse and she became abusive toward me, our grandchild temporarily lives here too with our daughter who is going to college. The Doctors concearn was that her becoming physically abusive was next, your friend may need to consider taking the steps towards a home for her mother. No one should have to deal with abuse! Talk to the local nursing home specifically, we found out it's easier than we thought to get her into one, we went to them, then the Doctor she had been seeing and it has moved along smoothly. If she is honest with the Doctor about the abuse I'm willing to bet you the Doctor will help her.


Name:
Location:
Date: 03/17/2013
Time: 08:33 AM

Comments

you can give your friend information how to help herself but if her self esteem is to damaged i dont know she has to step up for herself and stand firm I had to and got a lot of nasty feedback from other family members but the reality was I was seeing her deteriorate and she needed more than my dad was doing and i could do stand by her and help get information


Name: Ohio
Location: Ohio
Date: 03/17/2013
Time: 07:56 AM

Comments

I would Call Adult Protective Services and Turn the MOTHER in explain the Situation and have the Mother moved To a Nursing Home... The Caregiver Daughter Does not have to put up with Being Abused at all.. The Daughter will be Better off and She does not have to feel Guilty doing so... When my mother in law started to Scream and Cry at her Daughter in laws We just got up and left.. She was in a Nursing Home.. on Hospice and the Nurse Said she never screamed or yelled at Staff -- just at the Family... So we told her that if she continued to yell and Scream we would leave... and a couple times like that and she stopped it...


Name: Lisa
Location: Ohio
Date: 03/17/2013
Time: 06:03 AM

Comments

Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics.Your friend could try it for 6 weeks to see if it helps her.She doesn't have to prove anybody has alcoholism,just see if it helps.This is a family disease that goes through generations. They say not to make any major life decisions until 6 months,perhaps a year of joining.She will know the right decisions to make after she has learned how to focus on herself with the help of Al-Anon,which doesn't give advice or tell anybody what to do.We don't know what is right for anybody else. Of course if each person needs to be safe and not abused and you may need to take immediate action at any point in your life to do that.I hear this has been life long,and that is why I suggested Al-Anon.You will always be her daughter,and want to be there for her.Al-Anon teaches and supports you in taking care of yourself.


Name: Lisa
Location: Ohio
Date: 03/17/2013
Time: 06:02 AM

Comments

Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics.Your friend could try it for 6 weeks to see if it helps her.She doesn't have to prove anybody has alcoholism,just see if it helps.This is a family disease that goes through generations. They say not to make any major life decisions until 6 months,perhaps a year of joining.She will know the right decisions to make after she has learned how to focus on herself with the help of Al-Anon,which doesn't give advice or tell anybody what to do.We don't know what is right for anybody else. Of course if each person needs to be safe and not abused and you may need to take immediate action at any point in your life to do that.I hear this has been life long,and that is why I suggested Al-Anon.You will always be her daughter,and want to be there for her.Al-Anon teaches and supports you in taking care of yourself.


Name: Bill Benson
Location: Maryland -- National Adult Protective Services Assn
Date: 03/17/2013
Time: 05:42 AM

Comments

An alternative resource especially if you believe there is there is risk of harm, physical or psychological, as you suggest is Texas Adult Protective Services (APS). Their 24-hour/7-day a week hotline is 800-252-5400. The website is www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adult_Protection. They are at the TX Department of Family & Protective Services.


Name: John Hough
Location: kissimmee,fl
Date: 03/17/2013
Time: 04:26 AM

Comments

MAYBE,..the time has arrived for placement outside the home...the caregiver can continue to offer care to mom as a private,..and the facility will make available to mom some services that she sounds like she needs such as psychologist and Social Services that will assist with the hostility factor. Then while mom is is there the daughter can have some peace and solitude knowing mom is getting all she needs as well as she's getting in the way of saving her own mental health while still being active in moms care!



 







 

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