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Welcome to CareNotes. In this special section we will feature a reader's letter and provide an opportunity for an interactive exchange that will help find some answers and possible solutions to concerns. If you wish to respond to this letter, simple follow the link provided at the end of the letter and add your comments and thoughts to our CareNotes Board.

This Week's Carenote - 11/20/12

For the past five years, I have had the responsibility of my parents.

The first situation was having my mom settled in a care home.  She had dementia and was a danger to herself and my dad.  It was a difficult struggle with my dad and my brother to get them to recognize the need  She is doing much better, but my brother refuses any attempt to keep him involved in the decisions.

My dad has chosen to stay in his home.  He is 92 now and is fast getting to the point he needs more help, but wonít allow anyone but me or my daughter in. He is worried his stuff will be taken; when we have had outside help, it has been.

My husband was diagnosed with rectal cancer three years ago and has to wear a colostomy bag.  His personal hygiene is disgusting.  He also shows signs of approaching mental forgetfulness.

One of my children is close by, but two are in distant parts of the country.  Even though I have been through counseling and have been going to a caregiversí group, my anger is so strong, I can hardly control it at times and I want to stay in bed as much as I am able.  Financially, we are not in a good place, so I just canít take off on a holiday if I want to, even if I could leave my father without support.

How does one overcome this anger that I am sure others have.  I am now in my 70s. I am not looking forward to living like this and don't know how to change.  I have hobbies which help; but increasingly, I don't want to see people, either, as people my age all have problems

O. W.

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Name: j
Location: south jersey
Date: 11/25/2012
Time: 04:33 AM


I know how you feel. I've experienced anger and rage over my eldest brother's refusal/ denial to recognize the physical changes and demands that our 95 year old mother is going through. If it were not for my husband I think I would have become deeply deprssed. A frind who was going through simular care giving issues with her mom years ago had some sage advice for me that I never forgot. Her anger at her brothers failure to help with any care giving caused such stress that she began drinking. Before her drinking got out of hand she began to realize that no matter how many times she asked for help, got angry over her situation or drank, the only person affected by it all was her. She had no choice but to work on ways to get rid of the anger. When her mom died her brothers talked about how much they missed her. It was all I could do not to want to vomit. However, as I am in the same position as she was years ago, I realize that my friend was right. No matter how much help you need or how weary we get, or angry at others for not helping, it makes no difference in anyone elses behavior except yours. I am reading as many care giver books, including care giver burn out that I can. I am trying my best to emotionally distance myself from my brother as a coping mechanism. I am working on my guilt over going out to the theatre instead of spending all my free time with mom. She lives with me and the hubby and i have to carry all her meals to her room due to her bad heart and legs. I work a full time job in another state and I work in a very stressful job. I have no choice but to active work on my anger or allow myself to be consumed by it. Force yourself to take breaks and enjoy life even if you only have a couple of moments a day.



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