Caregiver.com

For About and By Caregivers
 


 
Subscribe to our bi-monthly publication Today's Caregiver magazine


  + Larger Font | - Smaller Font
 



CARENOTES | Past Carenotes | Let's Talk

Carenotes

Welcome to CareNotes. In this special section we will feature a reader's letter and provide an opportunity for an interactive exchange that will help find some answers and possible solutions to concerns. If you wish to respond to this letter, simple follow the link provided at the end of the letter and add your comments and thoughts to our CareNotes Board.

This Week's Carenote - 09/25/12

My mother has Alzheimer’s and my poor father is TRYING to keep her home as long as he can. He just got a pacemaker and is just about at his wit's end.

I read ALL the newsletters, but unfortunately, I cannot share them with Dad.  My mother would have a fit. She is very mean to him.  They both lose patience.

Nancy

Reply to Letter  |  View Comments  |  Past Carenotes |   

Name
Location
   
Add Your Comments  

 
YOU  MUST ENTER THE NUMBERS 4567 IN THIS BOX BEFORE YOU SUBMIT THE FORM.  IF YOU DO NOT IT WILL PROMPT YOU TO START OVER.
  

View Comments

Name:
Location:
Date: 11/08/2012
Time: 11:13 PM

Comments

Why don't YOU give him a break by taking care of your mother for a while regularly? As a caregiver, one of the most irritating things ever is that none of my sisters will help at all with OUR father, although I have health issues of my own, a fulltime job, am a single parent, etc. If you can take care of her for a few hours, even, do it. Do what you can. Otherwise, your dad's health is going to decline more and you are going to have 2 parents to care for--unless the stress overwhelms and kills your dad and then who will take care of your mother?


Name: Terry
Location: GA
Date: 10/01/2012
Time: 06:09 PM

Comments

Lose patience! I lost mine every few minutes when my Mom (dementia) and my Father-in-law (Alzheimer's Disease) were living with us. Get the book - THE 36-HOUR DAY by Mace and Rabins. Support group saved my life - only those going through this can understand. Both parents eventually went into a home, did very well and my husband and I visited every day and could LOVE them because we were no longer at wits end.


Name:
Location:
Date: 10/01/2012
Time: 01:19 PM

Comments

So often we ma have a hig level of tolerance and litte patience when we are feelin harried ourselves. In is in those times, I rmember t take additional self care time. It make come in the form of a one minute meditation, listening to a favorite piece of music or the long way to the mailbox to retrieve the mail. As I benefitfrom this self care, others will benefit from my increased ability to wait ( and to be waited upon!). We may even influence by example and lay the grounds for readiness to share caregiving tips. Love is.


Name: Magicgirl
Location: Decatur, Alabama
Date: 10/01/2012
Time: 11:40 AM

Comments

Nancy, P.S. Once, when Mom had a stroke, she had to be hospitalized for a short time. I stayed with her 24/7. One of the silly things I did that made her laugh was paint her fingernails and toenails a bright purple. She always had prided herself on her long fingernails and kept them painted a light pink. She thought the purple was outrageous, but funny....


Name: Magicgirl
Location: Decatur, Alabama
Date: 10/01/2012
Time: 11:27 AM

Comments

Nancy, Where do your parents live? Do you live near them? There are so many questions I have for you; sorry. Like one of the other commentors, why can't you share information privately with Dad? I don't understand that at all. My mom had Alzheimer's and was mostly agreeable, but did have bouts of anger. There were 2 of my siblings living very nearby to check on them, but with families, jobs of their own, etc., it was difficult for them. While I lived in another state, I worked for an airline and spent my 3-day weekends flying home to help out every week for 4 years. We had always promised them they would always be taken care of at home and, with God's help, we were able to keep that promise. There are so many resources. We were sent, by God I know, a woman (ANGEL) that had worked in Hospice, but was doing freelance caretaking. My Dad was angry about bringing a stranger into the house, certain he could take care of our Mom on his own. We finally insisted and they both ended up falling in love with her! We were very fortunate. Mom would get angry and often a ride in the car just to get her out of the house, change her attitude. Never argue with her, it only creates more chaos. You definitely need outside help - at least an old friend they trust, church members to visit sometimes and alleviate some of the monotony and give your Dad a break. Often, playing music from their era calmed her down, engaging her in watching simple game shows like Wheel of Fortune and cheering and laughing when you win - pleasant distractions help. Getting her to talk about her childhood, favorite friends and cousins, surrounding her with family pictures and albums...Play acting, dressing silly and dancing to her music helped distract her from her angry moods. Take her outside for a walk around the yard. I built a big flower garden for my Mom and she loved it. I wish I could help you. They are both gone now and, despite the bad times, I cherish every second I spent with them. Another important thing, ASK people for help, for short visits, etc. They don't know what to do and are probably willing if you would simply ASK them. Even errands, grocery shopping, taking your Dad to a senior center for a few hours while someone stays to watch over her......


Name: Carrie
Location: Minnesota
Date: 10/01/2012
Time: 06:17 AM

Comments

Just a suggestion have you looked around your area for an Adult Day Services for your Mom and maybe a Caregivers group for your Father? This may be beneficial to all involved.


Name:
Location:
Date: 09/25/2012
Time: 06:18 PM

Comments

Dear Nancy, Please call the Alzheimer's Association in your area or go to alz.org, and also try to get your dad to go to a support group while you spend time with your mother. If you can both go to the support group it would be very helpful. The Alzheimer's Association also offers caregiver courses which are free and very helpful. The Alzheimer's Association also has a memory walk in the fall - here in Connecticut it is this weekend. Please be a part of it if you can because everyone there will understand what you are going through! Also, check with NIH for ADEAR (Alzheimer's Disease Education and Referral) for free materials that will be helpful. I hope you and your dad will get the help that you both need soon. Take care, Edie from Connecticut


Name: Kathy
Location: NH
Date: 09/25/2012
Time: 09:18 AM

Comments

My Dad had Alzheimer's and I used to go over and pick him up and take him for a ride or to my house. That way Mom could have the choice of staying home for 2 or 3 hours or going out. She often caught up on some reading and some quiet alone time while I was out with Dad. Perhaps picking your Mom up and leaving Dad at home (with reading material in case he would read it) might work?


Name: Sandi
Location: Livonia MI
Date: 09/25/2012
Time: 08:25 AM

Comments

Nancy- I can relate to your trial with your mother. My husband is trying to keep his father with Alzheimers in our home as long as possible, but also is losing patience as he tries to also do his work and maintain some normalcy to our life. I repeatedly remind him that he needs to realize his dad's ability to understand what he wants him to do is very limited, almost like a child. And, the more frustration he projects the more confusion that follows. If he would talk in a calm but firm voice, he would get better results. Also, it is important to get a break away, so bringing in outside help or taking your mother to day care at least once a week, will be a huge help. Wishing all of you better days ahead as you deal with this heavy trial.


Name: Rand
Location: Richmond,MI.
Date: 09/25/2012
Time: 07:48 AM

Comments

I would suggest for you and dad join a support group. They will help dad see and understand that others are or have gone through what is happening now at home. I would also recommmend looking on U-Tube fpr an expert in this field named Teepa Snow. She has developed a very special program for our In Home Care Agencies across the nation called Senior Helpers "Senior Gems". It's focused on what Alzheimers patients CAN DO not what they CAN'T DO. He needs to learn and understand that his wife doesn't relize what she is doing at times, because it is her brain that is controlling her.He will learn the different stages of this illness and how or what to expect from his wife throughout the stages.


Name: Laura
Location: Atlanta
Date: 09/25/2012
Time: 06:03 AM

Comments

Why can't you share them with your Dad? Mom doesn't have to know. We're going through the same thing. Dad finally mentioned wanting help. I called Mom's doctor and asked for in home health care. A medicare agency called the very next day to set up appointments. Two weeks have gone by and they are both warming up to the idea. You have to either ignore your mother's meanness or gently talk to her and change the subject.


Name: Carolyn
Location: Rockville, MD
Date: 09/25/2012
Time: 05:56 AM

Comments

Sometimes having a neutral "third party" (home care aide, social worker, geriatric care manager) can get people to accept help they might not otherwise accept. The Alzheimer's Association and other organizations may also have support groups in your area.


Name: Bette
Location: Delco, PA
Date: 09/25/2012
Time: 05:48 AM

Comments

Let dad know that mom's being "mean" is not really "her": It's the Alzheimer's. Suggest dad give BOTH of them respite from one another, by finding an adult day care for mom, at least one day a week, and let dad know it's OK, and even beneficial for him to have outside activities, such at a senior center, church or temple group, RSVP, or some other club or interest. If there are any family members who can step in to give dad a mini-vacation of a few hours to himself, that would help both of them.


 







 

Join our Group or become
 a
Fan below

Caregiver on Facebook

   Follow us on Twitter

You TubeFearless Caregiver Channel