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CARENOTES / Past Carenotes / Discussion Forum

Carenotes

Welcome to CareNotes. In this special section we will feature a reader's letter and provide an opportunity for an interactive exchange that will help find some answers and possible solutions to concerns. If you wish to respond to this letter, simple follow the link provided at the end of the letter and add your comments and thoughts to our CareNotes Board.

This Week's Carenote - 021308

I am a caregiver for my mother (she is 76) and I am 53.  My father died about 2 years ago and my sister passed away last March '07.  Anyway I am all that she has (my brother lives in Nevada) and I just happen to live across the street from her.

Anyway, do you know of who I can email and or call to ask some questions on help with her.  For instance, I cannot get her to wash her hair and I have a hard time getting her to even take a shower and I get mad and it turns in to a yelling match.  And, this is not the mother that I knew!  If I yell at her too much she just starts crying.  So, I am at wits end for answers on what I am doing wrong and how to handle it.  Who can I talk to?  If you can advise I would greatly appreciate it.

Sincerely,

CLD

View Comments


name: Joan
location: north Florida
Email: CaregiverEncouragement@gmail.com
Date: 13 Feb 2008

Comments

Hi, CLD, I have experienced what you describe while taking care of my father, and my heart goes out to you. Daddy had advanced dementia and every day was a real struggle for Mom and me as we cared for him. I have subscribed to an email caregiver support group, Caregiver Online, which is sponsored by Family Caregiver Alliance. I know there are many similar email support groups online, but I can definitely recommend this one for the caring people who listen and respond to your concerns and questions. To find out more, go to http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/home.jsp and click on the tab near the top of the page that says "Groups," then click on "Caregiver Discussion Group" and subscribe. I signed up for the daily digest, so I get one long email daily which includes everything posted the day before. I read those faithfully every morning, then reply with encouragement or questions of my own. This group has been a real help to me as I care for my Mom, who's almost 83 and is in the early stages of dementia. I hope this will help you. Blessings, Joan Caregiver at Home http://www.CaregiverEncouragement.com/


name: Melody
location: Colorado
Email: curmel05@msn.com
Date: 13 Feb 2008

Comments

Our situations are somewhat similar although my 73 yr. old Mom is mostly taken care of by my Dad but I try to help. I am 52 and have some chronic health problems myself. I truly think bringing in a home health aide in for hygiene care a couple of times each week will help and you need to get out of the house so they can do what they have been trained to do. Your mother needs to know the nursing help is there and you have to go do the shopping and leave. Let them take care of her bathing and you won't hear her call for you and they won't have the guilt feelings that you do when they say," Mrs. Mother, we are going to wash your hair and do your nails. We have to get you ready before your daughter gets back." And then they go about doing their job and if your mother cries they let her but they do it and when it is over, then all is fine. I had a friend who was an aide but took an Alz. patient into her home and it was always a battle to bathe her but once it was over, everything was fine. It is just extra hard on us because we are family and we feel we aren't honoring when we force this issue so I think it is much better when we bring someone else in to do the job. Hope that helps and you can find someone. If you can't afford an aide, maybe you could find someone else in the same situation and you could take care of her Mom and she could come in and take care of yours as another possibility. I am sorry because I know this is so hard on you and it hurts when they cry but they need to be cleaned so go for it!!! Blessings to you for all you do.


name: GJ
location: Delaware County, PA
Email: joffeg@co.delaware.pa.us
Date: 13 Feb 2008

Comments

You're yelling at her because you're frustrated, and need help. Get that help by locating your Area Agency on Aging in the blue pages of your phone book. Depending on your county, it may have a different name, but they're all financed by the government, so your Mom can get an assessment (for free) of her health, finances, and living situation to see what services she qualifies for, and what, if anything, she will have to pay for them. She may be able to get a housekeeper a couple hours a week, an aide to come over and bathe her, or you may find that sending her to adult daycare will stimulate her mind, help her socialize, and provide YOU with much-needed respite!


name: connie
location: brookfield ct
Email: connie716@nextel.blackberry.net
Date: 13 Feb 2008

Comments

I am a caregiver for my Mom. I also took care of my dad until he passed in 06. We in CT have Connecticut Community Care. They did an intake and told us what she could he for services. She has the CT VNA. A nurse comes. Also a home health aid come to shower her 3 days a week. We also have some INR who comes in to clean and do her laundry. It makes my life a lot easier. You can contact your senior center or her dr. Office can help you. Good luck!!


name: Donna Korzinek
location: Canton, Pa. 17724
Email: grousehillfarm@frontiernet,net
Date: 13 Feb 2008

Comments

I sure hope I can be of some help. My mother has late stage Alzhiemer's and it is difficult to anything with her as she does not help. My husband helps with most everything except her personal hygiene. so I spoke with the alz.org. on the phone and Tammy told me of a product that saved MY life a no rinse Body Bath and a no rinse shampoo. Each one cost around 3.59 but goes a long way. I told her I had a surprise for her that she did not have to stand over the sink or take a shower any more, but I have to keep her clean or she might get sick. I showed her the 8 oz. bottle and sad this is for both of us a real happy surprise. I explained to her that she can sit on a kitchen chair I explain each step 1. mom can you hold the towel for me (or if you use a Hair Dryer). 2. I will wet your hair I said the did it and started to gently massage it as it lathered up I did it down to the scalp make sure I did a good job then I asked for the towel and gentle dried it (in winter I use a blow dryer and then gave us a treat a piece of candy and we talked about it ,mom did not answer much (Alz) but it worked great and you can use it as along as you need to./The Bath-- I said mom I know you do not like to shower you feel you might fall well I found something else that just great and showed her another 8oz. bottle I use a wash basin and 4 capfuls of body wash along with one quart of hot water (it cool off fast I gentle wash her face and neck then dry them Next I do under her arm then her arm Dry them and put on some roll on deodorant ,I go to the trunk of her body and do that dry her, then then lets and feet and dry them talking to her all the time if I need to I dump the water left and put 4 more caps full to one quart of water usually by the time I do half of her body .she seem to put up with that and then I take Intensive care healing lotion and rub her arms neck hands legs and feet for they do not dry out and tear The drug stores usually have it if not ask then to order some for you. The company that makes it is called Clean Life Products 868 Pleasant Valley Drive Springboro, OH 45066 they have atoll free phone no. 1-800-223-9348 also a web address www.norinse.com the website might be able to tell you were to go for it. I have not been on it but might as it might have other thing I need. I will pray for you that it works great and mom likes is .


name: Linda
location: Wisconsin
Email: lmezei@co.langlade.wi.us
Date: 13 Feb 2008

Comments

There is a web site that lists the Do's and Don't of Communicating with aging parents. www.ec-online.net/Knowledge/Articles/dosndonts.html You can also contact www.Alz.org, the Alzheimer's Association. They can give you local numbers to contact or call toll-free: 1-800-272-3900. They have brochures on communication tips and many other topics. Your county Commission on Aging or Dept, on Aging can also refer you to services, support groups and other resources available in your county. Social Services through your county government may also be of assistance if your mother qualifies. I hope this information helps you. Remember, it's the disease you're dealing with (dementia?), not the mother you once knew. Good luck to you.


name: Janet
location: Hernando, Fl
Email: jrhaight@yahoo.com
Date: 13 Feb 2008

Comments

I always view the comments from the StrokeNet.com message board and also the strokesurvivors.com web site. Both of these a valuable for the insight, helpful hints and a process to vent your frustrations. Good luck.


name: Jim
location: Texas
Email: jkersey@pobox.com
Date: 13 Feb 2008

Comments

I know how you feel. My wife, age 62 has dementia due to a closed head injury in 1989. She resists hair shampoo and showers. I find that just announcing it is shower time, she protests, I ignore her protests, get her clothes, towels, shampoo, and start the shower (with a shower chair) and she just starts to cooperate. I can't explain it, but not arguing with her seems to do the trick. Good Luck! Jim


name: Debbie
location: Georgia
Email:
Date: 13 Feb 2008

Comments

For information and assistance, call the Eldercare Locator 1-800-677-1116. This call will be routed to your local Area Agency on Aging. Good Luck, and God bless you.


name: rose
location: Ct.
Email: roselevine@comcast.net
Date: 13 Feb 2008

Comments

Has your Mom been assessed by a geriatric physician? She may have dementia. Yelling will get you nowhere. Call the Alzheimer's Association closest to you and ask for their Helpline. They can recommend important care tips and literature.


name: Karen Carter
location: Rome, GA
Email: kbcarter626@bellsouth.net
Date: 14 Feb 2008

Comments

You need to start by calling your local Area Agency on Aging by going to Elder Locator on the Internet. Put in your information and it will give you the local office. This agency can help you with services. Also, please go to the website - parentswish.com, click on the USA Server and watch the slideshow. And remember to take care of yourself.


name: Cindy Westveer
location: SarahCare Adult Day
Email: cwestveer@sarahcaremn.com
Date: 14 Feb 2008

Comments

CLD, You need to find a caregivers support group. It will calm your fears and questions about your mother. My advice...get homecare or bring her to an adult day. Do your homework. You I'm sure are still working? Have a social life? Need time to take care of yourself? I work in this field but I also care for my father who has frontal lobe dementia at 68! It's too much. You need to give your mother all your love and support but take care of yourself first. If you are not well, she won't be well. Call if you need anything.952-465-0555


name: Chris Cremean
location: Toledo, OH
Email: chriscremean@yahoo.com
Date: 14 Feb 2008

Comments

I counsel caregivers on many issues and this one always comes up early in the discussion. What you need to do is stop and ask yourself, who does your Mother "listen" to for advise. It may not be yourself or those you would usually think of. Once you find that person, see if they will reinforce the tasks and care options that you are promoting for her. I had this happen with my own Mother when she had to move from an independent apartment to an assisted living "room" in her retirement community. The one she listened to was a Vice President of the community. She would not listen to her Sons or other family members. Best wishes to you in addressing this issue.


name: Laura
location: Scranton, PA
Email: Sanflan2@comcast.net
Date: 14 Feb 2008

Comments

My mom is going through the same thing with my dad. You might want to contact your local Area Agency on Aging, a home-health agency that provides companions and nurse-aids, or a friend who's had experience caring for a parent. It's not uncommon for older people needing care to battle with family members. My dad sometimes won't shower for my mom, but when the aid or nurse comes, he showers, dresses and shaves willingly. Hope this helps. LFS


name: Edna
location: North Carolina
Email: ednaclute@yahoo.com
Date: 15 Feb 2008

Comments

I'm a elderly lady of 80 years and live by myself, but I can't stand anyone to yell at me for anything. You need to take a deep breath before saying anything to your mother. A quiet voice will be soothing and comforting to her and she'll be more willing to do what you ask. Call the Council of Aging for help and explain the problem. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you and your Mom. Edna



 







 

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